An Odd Situation...

[RedHairedGirlie]

Hi There,

I am a soon to be lone parent (one week to go!) The father and I have had no real contact since Oct last year and he has made it quite clear that he is not really interested having any involvement.

What makes ths situation odd, is that after our short relationship ended last year, he returned to his ex (although not entirely sure if they did ever actually split up!) and it turns out she is expecting, and a couple of months behind me apparently... and I was informed of this by the fathers parents - whom at the time I had never met previously.

I found the whole situation very difficult to deal with last year, and spent the first few months of my pregnancy just crying all the time and generally feeling quite miserable. The parents of the father simply wanted to offer their support to me and to let me know that regardless of their sons behaviour, they wanted to be part of their grandshilds life in the future and help me in any way they can. When it all got too much last year, I asked his parents to just give me a bit of space for a while. Which they did respect, and its only in the last 3 or 4 weeks that I have contacted them again to let them know that the pregnancy is going well and both myself and the baby are doing fine, and in general I feel great now :-)

My feelings towards the father have mellowed somewhat, the anger and hurt have gone and I just feel a little sad now that he has never shown any concern for the health of myself or the unborn child throughout the pregnancy. I don't want any support financially or otherwise from him in the future, and have asked him for nothing. I did contact him a while back to ask if he wanted to meet to just talk - and his response was simply 'no'. He knows his parents are in contact with me, and appears to be all for this and for them to be involved in their grandchilds life.

However, what I am still struggling to get my head around is how this is all going to work out in the future. To have grandparents that have contact with their grandchild, but their son, the father, does not. Also, as he apparently now has another child on the way - effectively my childs half brother or sister. Perhaps I shouldn't be worrying too much about all these things now - I think its just playing on my mind about how I would explain to my child in the future should the situation continue where its only the grandparents that are involved in the my childs life.

I'm not quite sure what advice I am asking for here, I think just some feedback from others that may have found themselves in a similar situation..

my aunt, and her dd (my cousin) had this. the father fecked off in the nastiest way possible, but his mum wanted to know her first grandchild. she was there consistently, and helped out a little, bought gifts etc. at first she was 'nanny x', and a bit like having an elderly relative/neighbour who just liked being round the child. as my cousin got older, she gradually understood the position better.

now she is mid 20s, married with her own dd. she didn't have 'nanny x' at the wedding, but i think she came to part of the eve reception, and her aunt from that side of the family also has a role in her life.

it works ok. kids just accept the family they grow up with. so long as they intend to stick around, and won't just head off when the next gc is born.

It's possible that, once your baby is born and especially once s/he begins to grow up, that the father will come under pressure from his family to at least see his DS/DD, and the best way for you to deal with this is probably to treat him with detached, polite friendliness even if you want to smack hiim one. It's good that you are in touch with your LO's grandparents-to-be because they are or will be people who love your LO and are interested in his wellbeing and who are part of his/her family. As to what to tell the LO, the truth in the most diplomatic/age appropriate terms is best (Daddy and Mummy don't live together, daddy is very busy etc).

If he has never split up with his "ex", he is probably under tremendous pressure from her not to have any contact with you. Keeping his parents involved with you is probably his own - fairly spineless - way of making sure that you have some support.

It sounds an uncomfortable situation but these things have a way of working themselves out and his parents sound as if they are being sensitive to your wishes. I hope everything goes well with the birth and you don't find yourself dwelling too much on the circumstances once your baby arrives. Good luck with it.

Keep the people involved who want to be involved.

If you push relationships and things go wrong, how do you fix it?

My friend found herself in this exact situation when the 'ex' (I think the relationship only lasted a few days) buggered off to Oz and left her in the first month or so of her pregnancy. He demanded a termination and was vile to her when she refused.

His parents were appalled at his behaviour and were keen to have a relationship. Her DD is 16 months now, and she has contact with the guy's parents at least once a month.

It hasn't always been easy, and the guy isn't that happy that they are in contact (I think they've given him a hard time ever since - rightly so), but it can work.

Take all te support your baby's grandparents are offering and odn't give another thought to the father'd behaviour.

I have experienced something similar I have a half sister who my dad has no contact with at all.

I met up with her when I was about 18 and we met up a few times and then lost touch. Since then I have tried to re-connect with her but she is not interested. When I asked my cousin about it she said that my sister feels unable to have a relationship with me when my dad isn't interested. Too awkward and difficult. I don't blame her but it makes me sad.

Maybe it would make the father be interested if his Mum and Dad and family are integrating your child into their family, which I suppose is a good thing and if not well he is the one who is missing out.

I was in your position completely and the advise i am going to give you sounds simple but is the hardest possible route.

Forget about it. DOnt worry about three, four, ten years down the line - you are about to have enough on your plate. If the subject comes up as the child is older dont lie but dont make a big deal of it - if you make a situation seem normal, a child will see it as not a big issue. Concentrate on your relationship with your lo and I promise you everything will fall into place. He may come around, he may not but if you give your child all the love and support you can, you will be fine!!

Good luck with the birth - have you got plenty of support for the first couple of weeks.

Hi Everyone,

Sorry its taken a while to get back. Thanks so much to everyone who commented / advised on this. I know its something I really need to put to the back of my mind for now, and worry about it when the time is right, I think I just needed to vent and put it out there how I am feeling as its not something I feel I can discuss with my own parents / family as I feel their views would be slighly biased.

The parents (fathers) actually came over to visit me yesterday - and they are really nice and know will be a real support to me and their grandchild in the future.

Thanks again.

PS ,PrettyFly1 - I do have support for the first couple of weeks - my mum is going to be staying, and probably my sister too. I did explain to the fathers parents that they would probably have to wait to come see the baby as I think it would be to awkward with my folks and them in the same room... again, probably me just being paranoid about it all.. but just feel it would be to weird..