Do I give a shit about my Dad?

[walkinthewoods]

In a nut shell my Dad is a bully and a selfish shit. We were spanked/punched now and again, nothing BAD. He hit my Mum a few times and had affairs left right and centre. Weren't abused in any other way but complete dominence.

I was chatting with my bro the other day. I told him I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. My bro said much the same and went further in that he wouldn't care if he died (but it might bring up really angry feelings etc). I have secretly thought this myself and told bro this. And my bro went thro much more shit than I did (I was his FAVOURITE! FFS)

Is this normal?

I don't know. My Dad hit us too (round the head - nice). He was a bully and I too was his favorite.

Haven't seen him for 20 years. I dread the day I hear of his death as I really do not know what my feelings will be.

Crap isn't it?

I would say it is normal given the situation.

Been there.

Done that

He is no longer alive. I couldn't care less. The only sad emotions I felt at the time of his death/funeral were around the memories of what he did to me. I did cry albeit briefly at his funeral. I didn't think I would but that was caused by a bizaare set of emotions. More similar to the way I cry if watching a sad film/documentary etc., perhaps a little about what happened previously. It wasn't about him. I haven't thought about him since.

No probably not normal but I was thinking exactly the same thing about my dad today as well.

He is also a bully, probably has narcisstic personality disorder and I reckon he is developing dementia which is making him even more obnoxious. Unfortunately he still lives with my mother so we go and see her and we have to see him but I am finding it harder and harder to be civil when faced with the constant insults and general crap.

My brother probably feels the same although we never had a real heart to heart about it.

I too worry about what will happen when he does die. I have read that those with a bad relationship are often hit harder because not only have they lost a parent but they are also mourning the loss of the opportunity to have a decent relationship with them. I would like to think I would be relatively unscathed but who knows.

I agree, it is crap, isn't it?

Well, I could have written your OP except that there were 5 of us. I am quite happy to never speak to him again and have been known not to disbuse people of the notion that he is dead (namely at my wedding to DH's extended family as he wasn't invited)

It's not 'normal' to feel like this if you have had a 'normal' upbringing but in your/my position it's perfectly understandable.

That is the other thing...perhaps the worst thing for me was that I soecifically avoided getting married whilst he was alive. There was no way on this earth that I would have him at my wedding, but I didn't want to cause a fuss, draw attention to certain facts or have to explain myself.

So we never did it "at the right time of my life" .

I could do it now and I am sure I will one day but it won't be the same as if I had pre children where we were free to be extravagant on the day and honeymoon. It just won't be the same as it could have been , and I know that it won't be bad if and when it does happen. It just won't quite be that fairytale IYSWIM.

Its reassuring to know it's 'normal'. I am plannin to get married but really dont want him there. I don;t want to exclude him but also dont want ot cause a bit family rift (although my family would understand)

2 of the 5 of us still keep in touch with him but no comment was made on the fact he wasn't there, I just asked my bro to give me away and left it at that.
My BIL was told to watch the door and remove him if he did turn up but he didn't even try.