Labour/Other People

[Princeonthemove]

Just following on from another thread I was reading (HarryB's nightmare MIL), it is really worrying me that a few people have said their mils have actually come into the delivery room during the labour and sort of 'taken' their babies.

I am really worried about people interupting me and dh, or 'turning up' unexpectedly and insisting on an unsolicited visit. This is my first baby after a still birth and I really want to fel safe. I thought the midwives don't let anyone just walk in?

I am really worried if people turned up they could just say they were family and walk in? Would this happen?

they are very strict on labour and ante natal wards re visitors

My MIL sat in the waiting room ALL night and wasn't allowed onto the labour ward as she wasn't on my list (i love her to bits and wouldn't have minded her being there)

just tell the MWs that you don't want anyone but your DH with you

I would have thought that the only people who would be with you in labour are your chosen birth partner/s. Most maternity units pretty strict about visitors anyway.

Thanks rubyslippers. I am obsessing about it now. I wish I could relax but I am taking everything everyone says to heart-like today someone saying 'we'll just be around to relieve dh if he needs it' and someone else 'joking' that they will 'be outside the door'. I feel really really upset by it and don't understand why people are so insenstitive, but then I get confused and wonder if it is me being really mean and unreasonable.

Everyone says they want to be there to 'support' me but the best support they could give me is just to let me and dh have our labour and delivery alone and together without worrying about people hovering outside.

Tell all these people nicely that the hospital won't allow a crowd in, that you appreciate their good wishes but that there is No Room for them and not to come. Point out, smiling sweetly, that there is not much room in a labour ward anyway, that you will not be the only woman giving birth there, and for them to spend hours getting their arses numb on hospital chairs and their innards ravaged by awful vending machine coffee is not something you want them to suffer on their account.
Then tell your DH and the midwives that you do not want anyone in apart from your DH (and anyone you actually do want like your mum or a doula or whatever you have arranged for).

I would have loved to just quietly go in and make the call when the baby arrives, but I am being induced and just couldn't keep it a secret about when we were going in, although we have tried to be a little vague.

It is making me feel really anxious and I feel like I am having endless difficult conversations with people who insist that they will leave us be but in the same sentence are asking for exact times and details of our arrangements.

Then I feel like a monster for not appreciating all the 'interest'.

Thanks for the advice. I think that sort of thing in my head, solidgold and it really makes sense but it is as though people just think I am being a bit mad and strange when I try and burble my objections out in what I try to be an 'assertive' way.

I probably am a bit mad. I don't think anyone is listening to me and I hate feeling under the scrutiny I am under. When I said to my mil that the midwives really didn't like lots of people around she looked at me like I was a little tapped and silly.

Christ - perish the thought of people invading your space at a time like that! I totally understand your feelings, especially after a still birth. You have to get your head sorted about this and stop it hanging over you.

My own mother practically haunted me when I was in labour and she lives in another country! she kept ringing me and when I refused to answer she started ringing my sister who was texting me to say mum wants to know what's going on. The air was blue! Then she had the cheek to ring the nurses to ask what was going on. I just wanted to get on and give birth in peace, but no (I was worried something was going to go wrong)

You could get your DH to explain that this was something you wish to do in your own and don't want to be worrying about those waiting expectantly outside. Also - don't tell them when you go to hospital if you can avoid it.

They probably wont be let in anyway as you will be in the delivery suite - and you and baby will need to get cleaned up , dressed etc. I don't think visitors would be admitted there to be honest.

OK so tell them all that your induction date has been changed (to about 3/4 days later than the actual date.) Then you can go in and have your baby and phone them all afterwards.
Do give it 3 days or so as (sorry to tell you this) but sometimes an induced labour can actually go on for a bit...

That's exactly what I have been trying to explain to them; that I could well be in for anything up to a week, and the likelihood of a ceasarean. Even with my stillborn baby the induction took some time.

I think I am taking it all to heart as I am feeling emotional, and so unconvinced that things will ok, whereas the well meaning family see it as a'done deal' now we are this far, and basically time to crack open the champers.

I can't believe people can be so uncontrolled, Mrs Boogie. the more I am exposed to it the less I feel it is about 'caring', and more about 'control'. Very negative of me I know and I suppose that shows where I have got to with it all.
Wish I had never said that we were being induced but it is really hard, especially when I feel like I have leant on them so much this year.

It was about control with my mum (she simply couldn't understand the concept of her not being entitled to know exactly what was going on every bloody minute and that it wasn't about what SHE wanted!

I totally get your fears though and I haven't had a still birth - having experienced a trauma like that you are even more entitled to have your sensitivities taken into account. You've got to get your DH to sort it IMO. That's what he's for!

This is clearly concerning you, at a time when you should be having no stress.

Can I share my experience with you?

I was induced with my 1st. I was also worried that if I told 'certain' members of the family when this was going to happen I would be having them almost banging on the door outside.
I told DH that I wanted to just concentrate on the task in hand (without distractions or other worries). He agreed and understood how I felt, so we told everyone that the hospital had changed us to 2 days later (they hadn't).
When we called everyone to tell them the good news on DD's safe arrival - we just said when questioned "Oh yes, the hospital called us and said they could fit us in if we went straight down there, we didn't have time to let everyone know"

A little white lie doesn't hurt anyone if it's going to help you to be calm and stress free for this important time. What they all want isn't important here - you and the baby are.

Prince this time is about you and your dh. NOONE has the right to intrude or make you feel unsafe in any way. Include in your birth plan a note that says that you do not want any intrusions at all and family are not allowed to be within the room at all until you say so. They are obliged to stick to it. You do not need to worry about offending anyone - be selfish and do what you want for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I suspect all these people are not being mean. They are probably concerned for you after your past experiences and being a bit claustrophobic. SGB advice is good. Either give them another time or tell them exactly when it is but follow up with "dh and I are very keen to do this as a partnership, I have fears and concerns and this is what we have planned." Then mark it in your b plan that noone else is allowed in. You dont need to feel apologetic. People care, so they will respect your request.