So lonely

[nonamefornow]

Hi everyone. Don't know why I'm posting really. Don't want to come across as self-pitying (although maybe I am). I just feel so lonely and so down - think I'm depressed but won't go to the doctors as I dont want depression on my record because of my line of work. Probably won't express this very well but my relationships with both my husband and mum are at rock bottom. It all came to a head this week when my daughter was ill and unable to go to school.

I am worn down by the way my husband is. He trotted off to work on Monday with no discussion about our daughter being ill and how I would manage. Just presumes I'll stay off work. Feel resentful that he gets it so easy and doesn't consider me.

We moved to a new area six years ago for better schools etc for our daughter. In this time trying to get the house sorted has been a nightmare. I live with half finished walls, and flooring, half stripped woodwork, everything is unfinished. Basically unless I stand with him when he does something he does it wrong. That's not me being fussy. He seems to have something inbuilt into him that meanhs he HAS to do it wrong. He planted some trees a while back thay were in a straight line then at the end the last four trees veared off on in another direction. Sounds trivial I know but when its everything, its so draining. It takes him so long to do anything even put a nail in.

My husbands money pays for bills food etc and my money pays for luxuries, clothes etc. A few years ago we found ourselves (as have many others)in a position where my husbands money wasn't covering bills food etc so I suggested he needed to look for something better paid. His response several times was 'you don't seem to realise I'm in a well paid job already' Grrrr yes he is but its an admin role so lots of scope for promotion. (supervisor, manager etc) He's never tried to better himself or take up training courses that have been offered. I think he's lazy and would have been happy for my money to cover the extra bills and food. But then what about clothes, days out etc. By his planning, that means we never go on holiday again. I just don't get it.
What rubs it in more is that on top of my job I also work frequent evenings past midnight and have done so many cleaning jobs my hands have bled. God, that sounds awful but thats the reality of it. Why can't he be a bit more switched on. His attitude is that he goes to work. Ha! I would love to have one, full time job and no additonal stuff to do (housework, being a mum, evening jobs etc). I can't put into words how taken for granted I feel.

The thing is I can accept that he's maybe not very good at DIY but I can't accept that everything falls on my shoulders; housework, childcare, earning additonal income, planning family life, cooking and DIY too. Well sorry but that seems bloody unbalanced to me.I feel so exhausted.

The thing is, and I'm sorry I know I'm waffling, but he does realise these things are wrong and he is making an effort with certain things but I feel so so so worn down and feel to an extent its too late. His selfishness has made me shut down.

Then there's my mother who I fell out with yesterday and really just can't be bothered with anymore. She knew my daughter was ill but didn't offer to come and sit with her. She lives an hour away (you'd think it was ten the way she talks) and doesn't work. She spends her days pottering. Getting up when she feels like it, that kind of thing. Her business, I don't feel like she owes me anything but I can't pretend that I like the way she is. She's late for everything and basically completely unorganised and has no structure to her life. I feel angry because she's never shown my siblings or me how 'to be'. My family background is very disfunctional. My dad left when two of my siblings were babies and I helped to bring them up. Was made clear often that I owed my siblings. Er no they weren't my children. This really rubs it in when I get no help now with my own child. She also has an alcohol problem.d

My mum said some nasty things to me yesterday because I was off with her. I told her to leave me alone. I've had enough of the insults which I endured throughout my childhood and made me the weak person I am today.

I know this is badly written and not puctuated but am going to post before I change my mind. Sorry its so long.

First of all - really feel for you. Too long to post but I too have experienced some but not all of the situation you are in. Do you think that if your hubby had a kick up the arse that he might get better with things or do you think it is beyond that? I was with someone similar for a long time (not married or any children) and I was unhappy deep down, but I just trundled along as I didn't know what else to do. Then I met someone else.........but that is another story and not what I am "advising you to do". It was easy for me as I had no children at the time and no "ties". Just wondering if you think you are still in love with him?
Also it sounds to me like your mum is suffering from depression. Has this crossed your mind at all?
It sounds like you might be depressed by the situation you are in, but maybe not suffering from depression although I can't obviously say for definite -( you would need to see a doctor for a diagnosis).
If you can imagine your life with things sorted with your mum and your dp not messing everything up and being more thoughtful, do you think you would feel better?
Have you considered life without your dp - how does that make you feel?

hello. i really feel for you. my husband has many similarities and the whole situation drives me crazy. it does seem unfair that you are having to shoulder all the childcare, housework, evening jobs etc.

have you spoken to him at all about how you're feeling? does he know you feel taken for granted? i recently had a look at the relate website and there seemed to be a few useful things on there.. i can't remember what now but i remember thinking they seemed helpful at the time.

i suppose ultimately you have three choices... stay as you are and stay unhappy, stay in the relationship but make some changes, or think about making a break. if you want to stay together maybe you should be assertive - have a good hard think about how you would like things to be, and think positively about whether you could work together to make your life a better place to be, and see if you can take action to make those things happen. easier said than done i know.

i decided i was going to make some positive changes in my relationship - but my husband has just gone away for two months leaving me with all the childcare, housework and resentment - so much for my positivity!

Thanks for replying pinkcorsage.
I do still love my husband very much but often feel happier when he's not here, which worries me. I can't imagine not being with him but he makes me feel so unhappy too frequently.
I think you're completely right about my mum. However that doesn't stop me feeling annoyed with her at times. I suppose I feel that my siblings and I were all damaged by our upbringings but we manage to function and get on with things however difficult we find them. That may be unfair of me but I think to lay down and give up is the easy option.
I have had so much rubbish in my life (I know that's life!) with no support ever really. It's the old cliche that I feel like I'm always giving.
My daughter was born with a purple birthmark covering almost a quarter of her body (which has thankfully now remarkably faded) and I sunk into depression. Everyone else just ticked on around me, knowing I was suffering but just left me to it really. That's how I feel anyway.

Thanks Tiffany. I'll check out the relate website. Your choices have made me think more positively too. I know they're obvious really but sometimes you need someone to think for you! Thank you

You sound so worn down.

Can you tackle one thing at a time?

just quickly, about his work...

you really need not to pressure him, some people just dont see the need for constant promotions etc.

before I came a SAHD and all my colleagues use to take the piss out of me as I always use to say

" My only ambition is not to have an ambition"

now to those career minded folks out there, they would interpret that as Lazy, when in fact it was not, I just wanted to do my thing and go home.

perhaps like me your DH does not feel the need to be constantely looking for a promotion?

I would also do anything not to go on training etc, I hated it.

I agree with you Aeschylus and I don't want my husband to be unhappy but when it comes to his family's standard of life, I think he needs to be more openminded about other jobs. I'm not talking about promotion for self worth. Thanks for replying.

Thanks Nabster. Yes I'm worn down! Feel like a haggard old lady! Don't have the energy to tackle anything at the moment but yes, you're right, one thing at a time sounds like a good plan. Thnak you.

Going back to my mum, I started a new job early last year and my daughter fell ill a few weeks after I started. I asked my mum to come and sit with her. She agreed then in the morning she just didn't turn up! No answer on her home phone or mobile. Turns out she had slept through her alarm. I ended up having to hide my sick daughter in a store cupboard at work (with permission from my direct manager). Was awful but I couldn't miss work. My mum never even phoned to say 'sorry' or explain.

I'm not wanting to say negative things about my mum but I'm fed up of my life being made difficult the handful of times I've asked for help.

Having a Mum (I don't) doesn't always mean things are easier, does it?

I would help anyone if I could but only have my MIL to help me. She has been brilliant atm as I think she really knows how hard things are for me and has the kids whenever she can.

I agree with Nabster that you should try to tackle one thing at a time, but totally know how you feel as I have issues with my family and relationship and feel it much easier to sweep them under the carpet as I need to put the washing on, change a nappy, make tea, etc! And then I am completely shattered and all I want to do is sleep - not think about problems. I forgot to say well done for taking the time to sit down and post on here - it always helps to think that you are not alone. I think sometimes we expect and want our mums to be perfect when in fact they are not. I am not defending your mother as I think it is selfish and highly irresponsible to not turn up to look after a child. And to say that you have slept through your alarm......maybe if she was at school! However, it could be the case if she is very low that she is suffering from extreme tiredness or alcohol related tiredness.
My mum lives very far away from me, but it does not stop me feeling envious when I hear that she has seen/looked after her other grandson every day that week. When I visit, my son is not given anywhere near as much attention. It really upsets me, but I don't have the energy to bring it up with her.

Thanks for your replies. It really does help to have some feedback and not feel so isolated.

Not sure what I'm going to do about any of it at the moment. Feeling too low and pathetically weak but am determined to try to get on top of how I feel.

As you dont feel you can see the GP, how about using some mood boosting essential oils/ getting a massage/ going for a brisk walk/ trying a natural remedy. im sure the local holland and barratt or boots chemist would advise.
i know it sounds simplistic but walking can really help.

Thank you MLB. You are all so kind. I will try your suggestions esp the walking.

Can I give a slightly different take on this? I do not mean any criticism so please try not to be offended.

Does it really really matter if the trees are not in a perfect straight line?

You sound like a very capable, determined and aspirational person who is happy to work very hard to better her life but one who maybe has taken a bit too much upon herself at the moment. Your husband, from what you say, sounds like a good man who wants to please you but who is less "capable" and less ambitious than you. Presumably you knew he was like this when you married him or maybe you thought you could shape him up? When reading your post I felt a bit sorry for him and wondered whether he might say that he feels nothing he does is ever good enough for you?

Your financial set up sounds a bit odd to me - its as if a certain standard with respect to "luxuries" must be maintained and if there's a shortfall for basics additional money has to be found rather than use the "luxuries" money. What is the point in having money for trips and clothes if you are overwrought and exhausted and your husband feels like a failure?

Maybe he trotted out the door to work when your daughter was ill because he assumed you would do what you always do? take charge? You sound like you grew up in the role of the responsible person - maybe you are so entrenched in this role that you appear to have little patience for others? Are you sure he knew that you wanted him to stay and help you sort it out or did you let him think that, as usual, you would cope?

Why is it necessary for you both to work full time and for you to work extra evening jobs as well? Would you consider re prioritising your life so that there is a bit less money and a bit more time to just chill out? The only things that really matter are that you and your husband and daughter are healthy and happy and have a roof over your heads. The unfinished state of the walls or garden or whatever are of no real consequence. Life is too short to waste worrying about this stuff. It really is.

I'm not suggesting you both sign on the dole and live in a pigsty but there has to be a happy medium. Happy being the operative word. Stop wearing yourself to a frazzle and let your husband take some slack - if he makes a pig's ear of it so what?

Oh and you are not a weak person - you sound like a strong person - just one who is tough on herself and maybe others.

It depends a bit if you feel your husband botches jobs because he's just a bit careless or not a perfectionist, or if he botched jobs because he thinks it's your business to do them and that, as the Man, he's the one around whom the household revolves.
I see what others are saying about how he may feel nagged at re his work, and this may be true as well, but one way I have found of checking whether a relationship is a partnership or if it's a matter of the man being the important one is: do both of you get roughly the same amount of chore-free time to do things that you enjoy? If not, then someone (usually the man) is being selfish.

I think MRsBoogie makes some very valid points, although i do believe you truly are worn out and that's not good. But i know several workaholics and 'cushion straighteners' my husband being one of them and let me assure you, they are very difficult to live with especially if you are a laid back person yourself. I urge you to take a look at whether you could reach a compromise like you be less critical and he try to be more assertive. You need to open the lines of communication, unless of course you are both mind readers.

Thanks for recent replies. I take on board what you're saying Mrs Boogie and re the trees, no they don't need to be straight (sounds a bit OCD eh) but my husband seems incapable of doing anything near okay and also never does anything unless I ask him/suggest it. I'm not a perfectionist by any means (check out my decorating!) but he manages to completely bodge everything and its such a waste of time/money. The thing is I can accept if he's practically not very good (DIY really) but then feel he needs to pull his weight in other areas eg financially.

He has made more of an effort recently but he lets things get so bad between us that its hard to get out of that hole. I feel mentally worn out and let down and have lost respect for him.

I think my point about promotion etc has made me sound ambitious (sp?) but I'm really not and neither is my husband but I do feel that if we need more money to live he needs to open his mind to ways of achieving this not just shut down. He's been in the same job role since he was 22 and is now 39. He's happy to just plod. If he took on a tiny bit more responsibility he could be earning that tiny bit more money to make life a bit easier.

I work all the hours I possibly can whereas he has room to earn more. I also see the way we manage our money may seem odd. We are actually very laid back about our money (doesn't sound it eh!) and saying my money was for luxuries was a way of classifying it really. By luxuries I mean clothes, birthday presents, days out really so more necsesities (sp?) really. My money is often used for shopping petrol etc when needed. There's no strict division of our money by any means.

I suppose the bottom line is we need to earn a bit more (to keep our heads above water) and need to work as a team to achieve this.

Sorry if I've not answered all your questions. Will pop back later. Thanks again to everyone.

I know this might sound a bit random, and perhaps you have already done this if money is a bit tight, but why don't you (when you feel up to it) draw up a household budget and write down all your incomings and outgoings. It can really help to see things down on paper and then you can perhaps look at areas you can cut back on. If there are not any things you can lose, then it might make your husband reassess what he is earning, when he looks at where the money is going. In the past I've thought our money has been fine, but then seeing what is spent in black and white really is a wake up call. Sounds a bit sexist, but sometimes men don't realise how much money we spend on kids, food, clothes etc.

Does your dh feel you need more money as a family? If you gave up your evening job vould you manage and would he care? I'm wondering if he sees thisas a problem or if it is only you that feels the need for extra money.

We could all use more money! But many of us feel that it isn't worth it if we have to push ourselves to work either too many hours or doing work we dislike too much. Sounds like your dh may feellike that.

Dh is the breadwiner in our house while I finish studying. Aslong as we have the house and food on the table I don't think he is under any obligation to provide more unless it suits him - and me neither.

You do sounds a bit controlling and perfectionist. Sounds like you and your dh have different priorities and different ideas about what constitutes an acceptable quality of life.

Maybe you should get a better paid job or get into a better paid career.

Hi everyone. Yes my husband does agree we need more money. Just he seems to think it will appear magically! Unfortunately I can't earn more currently in my area of work but hopefully in the future I will be able to.
I'm happy to do the extra evening work i do but would like my husband to not leave everything to me.
It's not a case of wanting more money. We need it to be able to get by and not resort to credit cards.
I hope I'm not controlling. The way I feel is I want to be controlled! Seriously, I just want a balanced relationship. I'm not constantly nagging my husband by any means. I don't want a relationship like that which is why I feel so low.
Sorry, rushing. Check back later.

If you both feel you need the money then I can see your point. OTOH, I don't think either partner should be able to decide that the other one should change thier job if they are already working FT.

I feel pretty guilty myself for not earning money at the moment and probably won't earn much for a while. So I guess I sympathise with your dh a bit here - I wouldn't be dictated to about my job.

There seem to be two seperate issues here - money and 'leaving things to me'. Can you at least deal with the latter - what things do you want him to do that he isn't doing.

If he's crap at diy - maybe he should look after the kids while you do it

when we went to relate earlier this year we were given one practical tip that may help you two:

1. once a week sit together, no tv, maybe a takeaway and a glass of wine and plan ahead. This can cover childcare/days out/diy - whatever you need. You need to share the talking 50/50.

Its easier said than done sometimes as its very tempting to get in to 'but you said youd do this etc' but have a go.

I would really recommend relate. I completely understand the things you are saying - I reckon the bottom of it is that you are losing respect for your partner and you feel you have to be the 'adult' in decision, driving yourselves forward etc. If that is the case, you will need to work out between you (or relate) how to change this behaviour pattern. He could end up resentful and looking for escape, you could end of resentful and looking for something better.

honestly, you sound so normal and so like lots of my mates - and me! but this set up is not making either of you happy so its time to make some changes x

Hi everyone, just wanted to say thank you to you all for taking the time to reply and I'll be taking all your suggestions on board, Relate website, budget plan, walking etc.
Although I still feel the same and getting it off my chest hasn't lessened the problem, it has helped so much to not just have it all swimming round my head.
I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm probably a bit late on this, but it sounds like your partner is really unhappy in his work. Has he thought of changing career to something else? Maybe then he could engage with it a bit more, and he might be more enthusiastic about going for promotions.

Relate is definitely a good thing too.

Good luck, and keep us posted.