Feeling let down after mothers day

[benjo]

OK.. This might get a bit long and boring but I need to hear your opinions because im actually too embarrassed to speak about it to anyone I know.
I have a 6 month old son, and I was really looking forward to my first mothers day.. I had no sleep the night before and I got into my bed sat night and my dh said "dont worry about a thing tomorrow.. ill get up with baby and feed him etc.. we'll have a lovely family lunch (his family were coming over too) and you can relax for the whole day.." His words not mine...
I woke up sunday morning,... tried and tried to wake him up but was getting no where so i had to feed/change etc our son.. I was up with him from 6am... dh did not get out of bed until 11;30!! I was so annoyed,.,. there i was again.. doing the same thing i do every single day.. All i wanted was one day to feel appreciated and looked after for a change. My mum was here and I was so embarrasssed because I knew she was feeling annoyed at him too.
We ended up having a huge argument, I went out for a walk with baby, lunch was cancelled and the day was spoilt..
Im still really annoyed that ill never get my first mothers day back. I feel like my dh is so lazy and always lets me down.. I dont ask for much, no expense or presents etc.. just a little gratitude. He never even got me a card for valentines this year.. I feel fed up.. and its worse when everyones like "so how was ur valentines.. how was your first mothers day"... drives me crazy!
What do i do?? I just feel like I cant be bothered waiting around for my next disappointment, when im ALWAYS showing i think of him..

For my first mothers day, dh forgot to buy a card so ended up buying one myself just to make a point.

He seems to forget that I'm a mum too!

This year he picked one up for his mum and then walked away, must have realised and asked me if I wanted a card as well

Before you had your baby, did your DH show you much consideration? Or was your relationship based on him being the important one and you making sure that he got everything he wanted? Because it happens so often: men who feel that having a penis makes them the person in the family, and the woman they have married just an appendage, someone who exists for their benefit - and the cracks really start to show when the DC arrive.
Because it sounds like he's one of these men who will tell you (endlessly) that he loves you, you're great, he's going to 'really spoil you/make it up to you' but never actually do anything to help you or give you what you want.

Oh don't leave Benjo. Your boy needs his Dad. Even if he ain't perfect.

My DH plays sport all the time so doesn't do much hands on stuff with the kids. I let it simmer for ages and then everynow and then. I announce that I need a day off and I get up on Saturday morning and disappear. I have to physically make sure he is up and out of bed before I go though or he would sleep through the kids getting up.

This Mothers Day he got up at 5.30am to drive to Scotland for a weeks fishing trip.##

I do lurve him though. I really try not to nag as he does pay all the bills and sort out car insurance - which I hate more than any other chore.

He has never got up in night for any of our 3 babes though.

Can yopu think of good stuff that he does that you hate to do?

I think Mothers Day is more for the kids to do stuff for Mum when they are older - I don't think the husband should necessarily have to do something on behalf of the child.

My 5 yr old brought me fresh fruit and orange juice in bed it was sweet.

Flum, I think the point is that this bloke promised that he would do all the morning childcare and treat her to a nice lunch, and then simply didn't get his lazy arse out of bed. WHich is enough to annoy anyone.

Yes, the problem goes much further than Mother's day.

benjo

Your H does sound very immature.

Sometimes its better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. He's not setting a good example for your son to follow either is he?.

What does this man do for you?. You seem to be carrying him as well as yourself.

I don't think any of us need a man around the house who acts like another child do we? It's that sort of thinking that gives them the get out to behave the way they like - paying the bills is not enough IMO.

I have to say OP that if he was an arse when you were pregnant, he's unlikely to suddenly change now. You need a sit down and proper chat with him. This is your joint baby, not yours. Tell him how anxious you are about going back to work

He will carry on treating you like this unless you make it quite plain it is unacceptable and you won't stand for it.

For my first mothers day, I got garage flowers and chocolates. Only because the night ebfore, after the 10 millionth sleepless night with DS1, I flipped, shouted and ranted and my idle DH who thought he could go out that night, and demanded a divorse (with him keeping DS1 . The flowers helped, but really, the best gift I get is coming back downstairs after putting DS to bed to find teh dishwasher on and the kicthen table cleared. Rare, but fab when it happens. Lay down teh law, be clear as to what actions you want from DH (they will try everything to avoid chores). If he lies in bed, then go out with DS foir the whole day, dont cook dinner when you get home, go on a strike. Certainly do something forceful! Otherwise, he'll do it again..
It's like training a dog, really. Just be clear and firm.

Luxmum, I really hate that attitude of 'training' a man like a dog. It's patronising and insulting.

OP, what your dh did was out of order. The very fact that he had a lie in until 11:30 would have been enough to make me really cross.

The two of you need to lay down some ground rules and stick to them. Otherwise this will just go on.

SH: the thing is, though, with sexist men (ie the ones who think that they are simply entitled to have all their needs met by the women they have decided to live with) is that telling them that they need to do their fair share of domestic work and childcare doesn't have much effect. Because they are sexist men (ie not all men are like this) who think that 'women's work' is what women are for and of course they all nag but they are so dumb that you just say 'yes dear' and turn up with the odd bunch of cheap flowers and they will forget about it. So to make them change their behaviour, partners have to use 'training' methods, ie saying what behaviour is expected, explaining what the consequences are if it's not done, and making sure the consequences happen.
Of course, this is a fuck of a lot of hard work on the woman's part, and my own preferred solution would be not to move in with a man like this in the first place but then I am happily single and will stay so for the rest of my life.