I don't want to go to my brother's wedding, but feel so guilty about it. . .

[sarah76]

We live near Manchester. Wedding is in the U.S. (8-9 hour flight, plus 6 hours in the car). I will be 32 weeks pregnant.

My brother's wedding was supposed to be last summer, but he had a very bad accident a month before (very lucky to be alive). We already had the tickets booked, so went and stayed with his fiancee and visited him in the hospital. Thankfully he has made a complete recovery.

I got married for the second time in January. Neither of my parents were able to come to my wedding, but my brother and his fiancee did come over (with some financial help from our mother).

Pregnancy has not been kind to me. I've had terrible morning sickness (still going at 18 weeks), SPD and antenatal depression. I travelling so far, especially when the SPD is making me so uncomfortable. Also, we are really skint at the moment, we don't have the money for the tickets even if we decided to go.

Have done some research and I will need a doctor's letter to fly after 28 weeks, and travel insurance is going to be hugely expensive. There just seem to be so many reasons not to go. I think my brother would understand, but I feel rotten.

DH doesn't think we should go. He thinks I'm not well enough.

That's it really....I think we know we're not going to go, but still have to tell my family and I'm dreading it.

If anyone doesn't sympathise and understand, then they are being a prize nob. This is not your fault. You are not throwing a silly hissy fit because you don't like the colour of the bridesmaids' frocks.
YOu are not well enough to travel that far, end of.
How about looking into a webcam link to your brother, just for the day?

sorry, that should read 'I can't imagine travelling so far' etc etc

You sound as if you have a good relationship with your brother. I'm sure he'll understand. I think you'll find the GP will be very reluctant to provide you with the letter to travel at 32 weeks. It would probably be different if you were travelling home to have your baby IYSWIM?

Bite the bullet, tell him your sorry you won't be able to take the travelling.

I wouldn't go.

If anything goes wrong the medical expenses could be huge.

You are definitely not well enough and you have no need to feel guilty about that. He should be able to understand - perhaps you and your DH could go out with him and his nearly DW for a pre wedding celebration meal (if you are up to it).

I wouldn't go. Can you perhaps be involved in his wedding in another way? The sister of a friend of mine couldn't attend her wedding (different continents etc.) and sent a letter which was read out on the day.

you have no reason to feel guilty

look after yourself

you made the trip last year, but due to nobodys fault the wedding didn't happen

My God. You're not up to it and that's clear! He will be disappointd but you're disappointed too.

He has never been 32 wks pregnant himself, so I really hope that he does understand and not make you feel guilty.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You need to put yourself first.

TBH, with SPD and at 32 weeks pregnant I think there is a strong chance that your GP would not sign as "fit to travel" anyway, so you can move the blame onto the GP - so your brother's disappointment can be drected in that direction rsther than towards you.

Honestly, I'm less worried about my brother being upset than his fiancee and my parents. I've already said to my mother that I wasn't sure about the money, and she offered to help out and made it pretty clear she thinks I should come. I already owe her more than I can pay back, would really hate to borrow more.

As for the fiancee, she's sort of the type to get really cheesed off if things don't go exactly as she's planned. I thought my brother's accident would have made her grow up a bit, but she's back to being a crazy bridezilla already.

Lie about your due date?

Not sure any insurance would cover you to travel that late in your pg anyway ? Could be v. v. v. expensive if you need treatment while there!

I also have SPD and I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. There's no way you'd get me on a transatlantic flight.

It's an unfortunate set of circumstances but it's nobody's fault.

I'm sure you'll feel better if you talk to your brother about it - he'll probably reassure you he's not offended.

I doubt you will be able to buy insurance that will cover you for any preg related stuff

Without insurance I would not travel to the US at 32 weeks

Could you ask for the letter but tell the dr you dont want to go, the dr will then refuse you the letter and you are not able to go. No one could blame you them, and you wont have lied. Book a holiday to show your brother the new baby in a couple of years.

Well, it's all settled now. I saw the consultant this morning and he said absolutely no way to any long haul travel. So it's basically out of my hands, which feels better, though I still have to tell everyone! Better to do it sooner rather than later, so will email today or tomorrow.

Thanks for the support everyone. . . I know there are some that get annoyed with pregnant women 'collapsing in a heap of uselessness'--but that is me at the moment, and I'm happy for the sympathy!

Going to look into the webcam and/or writing a letter to be read on the day. Thanks for the ideas.

Glad you have the letter. Nobody can reasonably be upset with YOU. Upset not to see you, but not upset with YOU.

Glad it is sorted in a way that is "out of your hands".

Glad its out of your hands but think a no brainer no way you could have gone. As someone whose babies arrive weeks and weeks early I wouldnt even contemplate travel at that stage even with a trouble free pregnancy. Dont mean to sound negative but SPD can get worse - I actually couldnt walk by 32 weeks during my first pregnancy.

I think you have 2 good reasons (advanced pregnancy and no money) not to go, and you did make the effort last time. They'd maybe prefer to see you when you've had the baby anyway so saying you'll go when baby is say 8 months old might be an idea, although I wouldn't fancy that long a flight/drive combo with a baby either to be honest. Maybe get webcams so your brother can chat to you about the wedding and your SIL show you her dress and you can then show them baby now and then.