need to rant about dh

[shirleyc]

Ok guys need a serious rant, to get this of my chest so here goes!

Been with dh since i was 14 and he proposed to me 2 years down the line. I asked and asked for years when would we get married and he explained marriage meant nothing to him he was equally commited to me either way. He finally decided we should get married and so we did. Before we married i felt it only fair i should tell him my feeling towards having dc had changed and i felt that i would like dc in my life. He explained at that time he didn't want dc and didn't need them and enjoyed his life the way it was/is. We married both knowing how each other felt.
So we've plodded along for 8 months me gently reminding him every so often ( twice a month maybe) that i really want dc and he needed to think about it.
I have to say im not a nagging wife and he leads a very free life with his hobbies etc which i have always supported.
March 2nd this year he texts me whilst im working and i call him, he tells me he has been thinking alot about dc and nothing else and would like to have little ones. Of course i'm over the moon. I also must add dh is not the kind of man who decides on something without being fully sure of his decision.
A week later he tells me he wants me to lose weight and quit smoking before we conceive. Fair enough.. So we both quit and within 4 days have a blazing argument and him playing with my mind as i was so excited and i walked out of the house in pure anger. (both start smoking again!)
He then tells my little sister everything and the next day very apologetic and tells me its ok if we conceive now he'd be quite happy!
So here we are a day before af is due i'd been symptom spotting and everything the last week feeling really positive i might be pg, and this morning i tell him i dont think i am pg and feel down about it! So he replies saying 'that will be ok you need to lose some weight and give up smoking and get fit and healthy!' so we're back to that stage again! Grrrrrr

Basically i feel angry towards him and upset that he keeps doing this to me! I know he wants a baby and so do I, just not sure how to go about handling this. I think he feels pressured everytime we go to bed, how am i meant to make him feel relaxed when all i can think about is, will this be it, will we make a baby this time! Im going mad help me please, or just make me feel better. He isnt a bad man and yes im very happy with him. just angry right now.

Tell him he needs to have an attitude transformation then you will decide whether or not you want a baby

FGS.. ok, i am a smoker..please try to give this up when you're pg

But its not about that for him.
For him its a matter of, do as i say, not as i do, and he feels free to do this because he is using a baby as a carrot AND a stick...because he knows you want it so much, the same as he did about you wanting to get married.

Control freak alert.

Yeah what reality said as well

X-Posts lol

Thanks for your comments reality

Ours is a very strong healthy relationship, we've been to hell and back together which has only made us stronger.
Perhaps i explained it wrong about the marriage and children im not very good explaining myself.

I accepted that he did not want to get married and we were both very happy with that arrangement i did infact leave it for about 7/8 years not even mentioning marriage, he decided he felt the time was right and so we married. As for coerced him into having a child i didn't. I was 14 and he was 17 when we got together and so we know each other very well. He is an incredibly stubborn man and part of his saying he did not want children was fear, i have only reminded him a couple of time a month to 'think about it' and we had discussed that i would have happily stayed with him whatever his decision was. He decided himself to have children i didn't force him into it.

I think your very right i did chose to marry him knowing how he felt so you have made a good point.

But ours is a health marriage i have no issues other than the above. I just wanted to air my frustrations.

thanks anyway.

Thanks stercus i'm sure i'm just having 'one of those days'

aww thanks reality

Communication is something we've always managed i think its the most important part of a succesful marriage

I'm now thinking i've been slightly harsh he is only thinking about me and my body and how i'd cope having a baby. Quiting smoking tommorrow already have all my inhalators ready im glad i aired it though other wise i'd be stewing over it He def wants a baby, he's talked non stop for 2 weeks about it, we've even chosen names, when i pointed out we may have twins (me a twin his mother a twin) he said he'd be over the moon! He just gets worried about my health which is fair enough

Hope you manage to get the kids sorted and out the door souns like fun!

How overweight are you ? (you don't have to answer that ) If significantly, it would be worth losing some before TTC for lots of reasons, so join a weightloss club, this one workede brilliantly for me, and set a goal, ie we will start TTC when |I have lost 1, 2, whatever stone.
If you are just a bit padded then I wouldn't worry. I also quit only when I got the positive test, couldn't manage beforehand but found it totally easy when I knew I was pg. You also need to chill on the TTC pressure and try to enjoy sex for its own sake. He was just being male when he made that comment, they are very good at not getting things like this

Kat thanks for your comments, im about 3 stone overweight. I joined slimming world in the past and lost it all then put it all back on! He did say he wasnt to worried about the losing weight as i would put some on during the pregnancy anyway. We are eating much healthier now and made positive changes to our diets and will continue to.

I was waiting for a positive to give up but have now commited to giving up tommorrow which im looking forward to doing.

On reflection i'm sure he didn't mean to be nasty just i reacted in a not great way due to af or a bfp being on the way.

I think you should relax. There's no rush to get pg and if you've only just started trying it could take a few months yet.
Its good that you have both decided you want this, but try not to let it take over your entire life.
Agree that you should stop smoking and lose a bit of weight but it should be at your pace, not DH's

So you have been together since you were 14, he proposed when you were 16 but wouldnt commit to marry you so why propose? and kept you dangling on till HE decided it was time to marry. He then wouldnt agree to have DC's till he decided and now used this to tell you tou must loose weight and stop smoking. Sorry but this does not sound like a strong healthy relationship. It sounds like a very controlling relationship

"He did say he wasnt too worried about the loosing some weight as Iwould put on some during the pregnancy" .... He sounds a little obsessed another worrying sign

IMO it doesn't sound a ahealthy relationship as you don't both want the same things.

I think you married him hoping he would change his mind about having kids.

I think he is using the weight and smoking thing as an excuse and you need to decide what you want more - him and maybe no kids or kids with someone else.

If you have kids, and it ends badly, he will blame you as he did tell you he didn't really want them.

Having children is fantastic but bloody hard work - even when you both want them.

Gosh thanks ladies for your replies. Wish i'd not posted now as it was all in haste i just wanted to rant feel much better now

I can see how what i posted above may make it sound like an unhealthy relationship but as i explained im terribly bad at putting things in writing.

He is just an incredibly honest man and yes we have been together all this time and since i was 14 but it would take far to long to explain the things we have been through and trust me without my dh i would not be as strong and happy as i am now, in short so not to sound to vague:
mentally and physically abused by mother
sexually abused etc from grown man whilst 12 and far far more that i dont feel like going into. Safe to say without my dh support over the years i'd be on anti depressants and very unhappy.
I can safely and happily say hes a fine man and someone i love, makes me happy and the man i want to spend my life with

As i said sorry for not coming across clearly i just seriosuly needed to vent this morning, am sure its me just being hormonal! Best shoot on as hes just sorting out dinner i've just got home from work. Thanks once again guys!

FFS he sounds horrible. You have, unfortunately, moved from one controlling bully to another. 'Honest' man my arse. I bet this 'honesty' is a matter of him constantly criticising everything you say and do and then, when you object or get upset, he says, 'But I'm noy being honest, I can't bear all that hypocrisy (ie treating other people, especially a partner, with courtesy instead of unnecessary rudeness'.
YOu've been with him since you were a child escaping an abusive parent. He has brainwashed you into believing that you are 'nothing' without him. He is in charge of what happens in your lives - and he sounds a lot like the sort of man who becomes violent during his DW's pregnancy when it dawns on him that you will be less submissive and obedient in future because you will start to put your child's need s before your husbands.

lol solidgold i appreciate what your saying but please he has not brain washed me! It's clearly difficult to put down clearly, he does not critisise me nor my choices in my life. In fact he is always encouraging me to do whatever i please. He is not a jealous man, if we put things into perspective i have cheated on him in the past (12 yrs ago) and not once does he bring this up, he is not jealous in any way at all. He has also never cheated on me.

I understand that my posts have obviosuly made you feel that im with some crazy obsessed controlling man who keeps me under lock and key but seriously solid he is not like that at all. As for violence he has never shown an ounce of violance towards me and he never will. But i sppreicate your concern

Anyway i dont really wish to get into this over and over again. I'm clearly being misunderstood, not all men are like what your implying my dh to be.

Not all men are, by any means. But ones who see themselves as in charge of the relationship frequently are.

I dont mean this to be patronising, but can I ask how old you both are?

ok solid i hear you: So can I ask you then, as you wont know we have a history of heart conditions (very serious) in my family, i was a heavy smoker (on day 1 of quiting today), am overweight and in the past drank far to much, along with having a bad diet .
Are you saying that it is not ok for my dh to suggest to me that giving up smoking and losing weight may be a good idea, or even give up/cut down drinking??
So he is expected to basically have a baby with me, and i make no effort whatsoever potentialy putting my health, our babies health and our families future at risk all for the sake of him not asking me to make an effort in those area as he might come across as a bully?? or controlling....

I think what he has suggested to me is very reasonable as having a baby with my dh does not make it my baby it makes it our baby. He has not held me down and forced me to work on these areas in my life. I know im overweight, as someone agreed above 3 stone is overweight. I do (did) smoke alot 20+ a day. Yet even if was a smoker and pregnant people would look down at me!

And as for our ages he is 31 and i am 28.

Sorry if this has come across badly im just sick to death that i commented on here to rant that was all, and now my marriage is being damned and had a go at by some people who don't even know us. If there is honestly one person on this forum who says they have never ever had a 'bad day' or a stupid 'misunderstood row' then i wont post again.
I shant rant again as i dont particularly like being told 'my relationship is a controlled one and very unhealthy'

Oh and extra apologies as i am on day one of non smoking and need one!

sorry solid no need for me to take my non smoking anger out on you sincere apologies!

Shirley, that's fine I have been in non-smoking hell myself. And you're right, I don't know you or your DH and can only make guesses based on what you post - but I have heard an awful lot of stories of 'wonderful' 'caring' men who only want the best for their wives when what they actually mean is they own their wives and are not happy about the wives wanting to make any decisions of their own. A relationship where one partner is expected to be permanently grateful for the other one's wonderfulness is not healthy.

thanks solid how long have you been non smoking for? Imagine its better than me.
I totally understand what your saying having read some of the threads on here i now understand why you would say what you did.
Well i think im mn'd out for the day so am going to comfort eat some lovely noodles whilst watching some proper girly dvd,waitin on dh to bring me home some sweets cant be arsed to go to shop lol
and good luck with your non smoking.

Could it just be the way he's communicating it?

What if he said, 'Shirley, we have a long future together. I love you and I will love our children, so would like it if we could give them the best possible start. I am concerned about you being a bit overweight and smoking. How can we do this together?"

A tad over the top, but couldn't really disagree with it?

Sounds like this is what he's saying (translated)

yes that is what he's said lol finally someone know what im saying he did say he was worried about both our smoking and being overweight not just me.
He has also given up smoking, cut down on the drink and is eating better so its what we're doing.

Thankyou ilovemydog you've made it sound clearer than i could myself.

Good luck with the not smoking Shirleyc - I've stopped for 6 weeks and its not been easy, in fact I have had a couple of slip ups and even this morning I was walking behind a smoker inhaling that smell