My marriage is at breaking point and I feel so angry.

[LostAtSeaAgain]

But I am not an angry person really. My DH is. A history of him shouting and me crying and saying sorry and begging for things to be right. With some very good bits inbetween.

But the last couple of years have got worse and worse in so many ways. I said I couldn't manage our marriage anymore. Is it normal to be angry about things that happened a long time ago?

It seems to all bubble up to the surface, things that he said that I bit my tongue over, dealing with his jealousy patiently while inside getting frustrated at not being trusted.

He is so sorry and hurting and says he will have to go away if we split because he loves me so much. And it makes me so angry.

How did he talk to me like that if he loves me so much? And the children. He tries to be nice and I want to hit him. (I haven't). Why let things get so bad, when I wanted them to be OK all that time and tried so hard, and he just kept not hearing me.

I also get upset about some incidents that happened to me when I was much younger, they have all bubbled to the surface and I am drowning.

He talks about having dark thoughts and if he did go it would break the DC's hearts.

I don't hate him, and seeing him in pain upsets me but I am so lost. He won't talk to anybody at all and I have asked because I have my own pain to deal with. And the DC's ( 11 and 6). When he tries to get close I feel panicky and push him away (emotionally) but actually saying it is over and letting go makes me want to scream.

It feels like it is all my fault and all I have to do is say 'OK' and everyone will be alright. Mostly when I am on my own I feel calmer and less confused, but today is bad. We have seen family and I feel guilty that my decision affects so many people, however I came to make it. My mum and dad won't discuss it with me as they feel it is not their business to get involved in our marriage........ my mum kept asking me why I was quiet and if I was OK.

I have a mainly good relationship with his mum (89) and she would be devastated.
My health is not brilliant and I am chronically tired. and sad. and lonely.

Hmmm, what I get from your post is that you have reached the end of you tether, and snapped. perfectly natural to be feeling like you do after years of taking the flak. Sounds like his "going away" and "dark thoughts" are just another way of his venting, you are still copping it, and protecting everyone else (children, his mum, him) you are sacrificing yourself to save him, and can stop doing it if you want! there will be some fall out of course, but better to deal with that and begin healing rather than continue at the expensive of your mental and possible physical wellbeing. get to your GP tosee if you can get some kind of therapy. do you have siblings/friends in RL who you can confide in? you need a bit of support on this. lastly, what do you want to do? whats your perfect outcome? will come back later see how you are, hope some more experienced mumsnetter will be along soon to advise you better.

I want to be on my own, but have him help with raising the DC's. I want to heal and stop everything from spinning out of control.

Try to find sympathetic GP asap as they can advise you re conselling/medication, and records can back you up if things get messy.
i think you should stop listening to his threats and start looking out for you.
abuse isnt just physical, shouting at you until you whilst you cry sounds pretty abusive to me.
You need to start thinking about how you can get to your ideal of being on your own with children.
would he/could he/you leave?
who is the main carer for children?
are you both working?
in the first instance i think you should try womans aid, or at least have a look at their website so you can determine whats going on with you (are you in an abusive relationship)
if you are, then they can help you take steps from there.
if not, you should think about legal advice, who gets the house/access/ material stuff.
try to get counselling for the emotional stuff.
I know it seems like a mountain to climb, but just take a look at womans aid site see what you think.
let us know.

Does he have a reason to still be angry?

Did you used to be without the Again at the end?

Yes. And I have just read my threads from then. It is not going to get better is it?

Sweetie

What do you want?

Nabster, I am scared. When he tries to get close. I panic. He has not always been very nice.

But when I think of the split and all the hurt I don't think i can bear it.

Oh god. The problem is I don't know. I am such a mess.

I want everything to stop and have the time and space to clear my head and get everything straight but he needs a black or white answer now.

If I let go. I will lose him completely. He will not be friends. The pressure is overwhelming.

Right. Listen. We used to email each other so you know I know a bit of what you have gone through.

Is he on the one you want?

Do you want to put the work in to fix it to as good as things were once?

Will he?

Do you want to separate but it is the practicalities that are scaring you?

These are questions that go around and around until I want to scream. I am not at all well and everything is overwhelming me.

I need to take things to pieces and deal with it bit by bit. But sometimes I rarely have the energy to function..(health issues not depression).

Then you need to find the space to deal with this. Can you take some time away, stay somewhere else for a while?

Not easy....but I need to do something. Bottling it up is killing me.

Thank-you......so much. x

I wish I could help you.

. So do I. But it is one of those things you have to sort out yourself in the end. I hope things turned out well for you........

It took a while.....

How are you feeling today, LASA?

To be honest, I sometimes feel I am at breaking point, and my health at the mo doesn't help.

Last night was awful. And H is being so sweet sometimes and I think why now? why let it get this bad, and me so unhappy and be kind now?

The other issue...
as hard as it is I have to accept that my friend has his own life and whatever I might think in my head, he is a good man and i have to accept that he has made his choices.

It is so sad and I wonder if I can come out of all this the same person, however it resolves itself.

The guilt is overwhelming, of it all. I have never been very good at putting what I want first and as soon as I try to think of getting some space for myself I get torn apart by the guilt of hurting people.

My H knows nothing of my thoughts of someone else. He has always been jealous and I have lived very carefully to try and minimise the possibility of him being so....

thank-you for asking Nabster. It is a lonely place to be.
No-one in real life really knows and it is doing my head in.

Living with a jealous, self-pitying and selfish man (which is how your H comes across here, shouting at you until you cry and threatening to harm himself if he doesn't get his own way) is very, very draining. You are not responsible for his life and he is not entitled to use you as a domestic appliance, endless support system and emotional punchbag.
Your needs and feelings and wishes matter every bit as much as his. If he wants you to stay in the marriage, he needs to treat you with courtesy and respect. If he can't do that, he is not entitled to love and support and service from you.

How do you find that strength though?

How do you get through the childrens pain and all the rest and keep believing you are doing the right thing?

Email me

LAS I know this is a decision you have to make in your own time and all I can say is: remember that you matter. Your children do not actually benefit from seeing you destroyed by a selfish unkind man. You can allow them to retain a relationship with them if it's safe for them to do so (though if this man is prone to threats of self-harm etc it's worth being careful about contact) without sacrificing your own wellbeing. WHy should you spend your life servicing someone who treats you with cruelty and contempt?