Forgive ^and^ Forget?

[BrokenFlipFlop]

Would value peoples opinions on the following..

Had an enormous row with my father yesterday, it was definitely the worst we've ever had (it even became physical at one stage as he pushed me out of his way and I fell backwards on to the floor). Our family has never had any arguments in the past which have become violent/physical and generally my father and I have a very good relationship.

Recently we've all been feeling very stressed due to a number of issues currently affecting the whole family and I know that I was feeling particualry angry yesterday.

Anyway, I recognise that I need to apologise for my part in the arguement, however I don't think that I can forgive him for a specific statement he made (it was this particular statement that started the row).

My question is this, whilst I will apologise, Im wondering if I'll then beable to 'move on' without forgiving him? ie can you move on and forget something if you leave one aspect of the argument/disagreement 'unforgiven'?

Thanks

It;s so good that you'll apolologise.

I'll never forget an argument that me and my Dad had that nearly got violent. I wish I'd apologised more. I had no idea how much stress he was under at the time and he;s not here now.

You don't have to forgive what he said straight away but time will make that better. Does he forgive your part in it? Could you just have ignored it? DId he really know what he was saying or was it jsut a spur of the moment nasty thing? SOunds like you're all under stress and these things happen when everyone is stressed and angry.

Very tricky.
Hope you get it resolved.

If the argument was only yesterday you're still going to be all over the place - don't rush to deal with it today. Sit on it for a couple of days and you'll get some more perspective re whether you move on.

Re your question - some people can move on with unresolved issues still hanging around, others can't. I sort of can, but that doesn't mean you can. Just don't rush things, or expect to be able to see the long-term big picture so soon.

I think it helps to keep in mind that forgiving is not a feeling you have but a conscious act of will to a) not bring up again and b) not dwell on whatever it was. So after you have buried the hatchet, you need to will yourself not to let your thoughts dwell on it and not raise the issue again.

With tiem these things generally pale however hurtful they are at the time. Instead start counting off some good things he has done for you in the past, when you get to 10 you are probably no longer seething IYSWIM

Thank you all so much for your replies.

To answer the questions, WooOoo no I don't honestly think I could have left it (to be honest, I never normally argue and am more inclined to leave things but the nature of the comment hurt me/made me very upset/angry).

To be fair to my father, he has apologised to me already but not sure if he has forgiven me for my part in the argument as we haven't had the opportunity to speak in detail yet.

Hassled, I agree that it is all a bit raw still and time will definitely help.

ZZZen - thank you for clarifying the forgiveness element of it. Its helpful to see it written down. I don't want to dwell on it all as it'll only make me bitter and thats simply not helpful.

I have already sat and thought about all the lovely things he's done for me (believe me there are many). Its really helping.

Thank you all.

When he apologised for his part in the argument, did you feel that he genuinely regretted the statement which started it? If so, then I think you ought to forgive him for it. Obviously you should also apologise for your own part in the argument, and for anything you said or did which was unfair or hurtful. Then he can forgive you for those things. After that, I think you both have to put it behind you as zzen has said and make a conscious choice not to dwell on it or hold it against him.

Trickier if you don't think he regrets the statement, but I think it's probably just something he said as a result of all the stress recently from what you say of your normal relationship.

Thank you MumInScotland.

To be honest, just before he apologised, I over heard him talking to my mum. He told her that he was certain that he was right (about the statement that began the argument).

He then apologised to me but bearing in mind what i'd over heard him saying to my mum, no I didn't beleive him.

He did apologise again a few hrs later but I'm still not convinced he truely understands why his statement hurt me so much. Its easier for him to apologise (and maybe not mean it) than accept why it hurt me to the extent it did. My father does not generally admit he's wrong, he has a habit of conveniently forgeting what he's said and then denying it (Im not pretending that I'm perfect btw)

I do agree though that the whole episode was made 100 times worse by the stress we're all feeling.

Perhaps he feels he's apologised for saying it, and for upsetting/angering you on the subject, but isn't actually sorry for thinking what he thinks? You may be right that he doesn't actually understand why it hurts you, for him to think that way. I guess sometimes you just have to accept that people close to you think wrong and hurtful things, and find ways to get past that and have a good relationship with them? If he's sorry for upsetting you, maybe that's enough?

Or you could try talking to him about it again, maybe in a few weeks when things have calmed down in other ways, to try to get through to him why it bothers you so much? But if he's someone who doesn't often admit they're in the wrong, that may just reopen the wound without any hope of resolving it.

Thank you. I think you're right ie he is sorry for saying what he did and making me upset but isn't sorry for thinking it.

I was thinking about attempting to explain to him why it had upset me so much but this will be easier if I wait for a while ie when things have calmed down.

I hate the thought of it all causing a permanent rift and ultimately will probably have to accept that I have to forgive him (for all of it) in order to beable to move on.

You're a good person clearly.
I did make up with my dad by the way! I was only 20 when it happened and we both felt so bad about having such a huge argument that we made up and still talked and laughed about it years later.

WooOoo I'm so glad you made up with your father - was going to ask you what happened.

I couldnt bear it all not to be sorted - he is getting on a bit now as well so ...

Brokenflipflop, There is loads of advice I want to give you, but your situation sounds slightly different from mine.

My father always has to pass comment on everything, argues alot and kicks up a tantrum if he dosen't get his own way

I have let him hurt me by things he has said and done in the past and looked over it, as knowing my father if I told him he wouldn't speak to me again

But when I had dc3, The day after she was born he passed comment on her second name, in the hosp, I told him that I couldn't believe he was doing this etc, he stormed out of the hosp and that is the last time I have spoken to him

I have told my mother I do not want an apology for what he said, that is his opinion, but I would like an apology for the timimg and for him to realise his opinions are not always wanted or needed

I am upset about this still, but can't go back as he does not see anything wrong in his behaviour

Your father sounds alot more reasonable than mine so I think you should talk it through with him, but he may still find no more wrong in what he thought

PBM - Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Your experience really puts mine in to perspective.

I too would feel hurt in your position. It must hurt so much more when the issues dont just stop with your relationship with him but involve your children as well.

I have never understood why anyone feels they have the right to comment negatively to parents about the names that've been chosen for their DC but to hear it from your father must have really hurt.

I hope he realises what he has done and apologies to you for the timing etc. Do you think there is any way this would happen?
How long ago was this? I appreciate that you've not spoken to him but has he ever spent time with your children since it happened?

No Brokenflipflop,
I'm afraid dd is 2.4 now, and he has had no contact with my dcs, it is very hard, but it had been brewing, he does not take criticisim well, and unfortunately you are either with him or against him

He said he has done nothing wrong and that he can't forgive me for not letting him see his grandchildren, but he did not come to visit after I got out of hospital and after 8 weeks asked my mother to bring them over to visit, it was at this point I said we would not be back unless there was an apology, previously I would have just caved in and carried on as normal

He has been invited over to our house to sort things out but he dosen't want to

He hasn't learn't anything as he is still treating my dbro exactly the same

I must admit its hard to suggest anything at all that you can reasonably do. He is unable to see what he has done and I imagine even if he could recognise how the comment re your dd name hurt you, you'd also really need to go back over the past 20+ years or more and express how his inability to take on board your views/feelings has made you feel.

I suppose it has made me realise that I have to try as hard as I can to resolve the issues between my father and myself.

Despite all that happened yesterday, I am relieved that we are still talking (just!). I simply feel very very for you and your children.