Just feeling very scared about the future and don't know how to deal with this feeling

[Feelingscared]

Hi
I have posted a few times on mumsnet, but never about something very personal, so have named changed for this.
Basically, a bit less than three years ago my husband left shortly after the birth of our dd, to be with someone else. It was after a long marriage and really quite horrendous, and I want thought a very difficult time as you imagine, particularly that at one stage he indicated he was coming back and of course did not. Anyway, it's only in the last year or so that I have managed to gain some sort of peace of mind and actually have days when I feel happy.

Through all this time we managed to have a fairly amicable relationship and he used to come over and spend time with both of us.

BUT a week ago he served divorce papers on me, without even discussing it with me first, and I have been in a terrible state since then. It all reached a peak today, when I worked myself into believing that he could take me to court to take my DD away from me, etc.

The reality is that I know he will not do that, but I am terrified of what the future holds. He said he was going to e-mail me about some stuff, and so I am expecting that when I arrive at work tomorrow there will probably be an e-mail waiting for me, outlining what he wants to do to formalise our financial and contact arrangements. I am so worried I can't think straight. I was supposed to do something for work tonight but am in such a state I can barely think how I will manage to go to work tomorrow.

Please excuse all the typs (e.g. it's supposed to be "went" not "want" !!) but I am really not myself tonight.

Right, get yourself a drink love and try and calm down...it is a bit sneaky of him to get divorce papers served, but he probably just didn't want to have to cope with the confrontation...this is a good thing, you can move on now. I have never met a man in the world who wants full time responsibility for children, so put that worry firmly away. More likely he has met someone (the unfortunate soul) and wants to be footloose...life out there can seem daunting, but this is actually your freedom calling and the chance to be loved properly, make new friends and be your own person. We are here any time you need a moan, but I promise you this is the start of things getting a lot better!

What is he divorcing you for?

And remember you have choices in all this It's not all what he wants, You need to think you need and want and get yourself a good family law solicitor. You will be fine once you get going honest. Get the yellow pages out now or if you know of someone who can reccomend a good one, ring them in the morning, they usually do a first hour free consultation.

Thanks for the responses. Yes, he is with someone else - that's why he left - it was someone younger he met at work, and I think it must have started when I was pregnant. She had a baby last year so I expect is putting pressure on him to get married.

BitOfFun - I think you are spot on - I am sure it's to avoid any sort of confrontation.

I am not British - he is not either. We came here together, planning to stay for a couple of years, and ended up staying longer. Anyway, I am planning to return to the country where we came from, as I am finding things quite hard on my own in London, and he e-mailed me last night to say that he would eventually return too, and then would expect to have DD for 50% of the time. Anyway, after some e-mail exchanges, he said he was prepared to be "flexible", but as you can imagine I could hardly sleep last night.

I am feeling a bit better this morning. I think he is probably just being a bully... I guess what I am scared of is that DD might eventually prefer to be with him, because he has lots of money, etc. But maybe children are smarter than that.

You are right children are smarter than that. Also he may have more money but not necessarily spend it on the dcs! They care more about what you do with them not what you spend on them. Don't worry about that. Good luck.

BOF is spot on!! Once you get past this part, the divorce etc, you can make a real new start and make a happy life for yourself. You might not see it now but you soon will