For fucks sake, I am so unlucky in love it would be funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Please excuse me, I am slightly pissed.

But really fecking pissed off too.

Bloody men.

Well... What exactly is the "problem" in your relationships? I know this ex met someone else, is that a recurring theme? Or do they just turn out to be twats?

You don't find the good men attractive ? But why is that ?
My best friend had a lightbulb moment where she realised that she kept being attracted to stinkers. And then she had a really really good long hard look at what she wanted, how to get it. And she realised that she did want that loving dependable man. And then she found that once she had 'woken up' to this, she was actually less attracted to old type, she didn't need to force herslef to be attracted to these new qualities , that she actually needed in a man.
Hope you have a 'lightbulb moment'.

I wonder if sometimes one feels less deserving of a good man, or less secure with that type of bloke. My first serious boyfriend was a shit ( much like my dad). I read that the relationship a woman has with her father shapes the type of partner she will select. Those with poor male role models in their formative years are likely to have lower self-esteem and choose destructive relationships.

I find it quite disturbing that your ex said this new woman makes him "feel like a child". Wtf?!

You are in denial if you think that this ex is your perfect match/mate. Becasue clearly he is not. Or else you would be together. I a sorry if that is harsh, but when you really think about it, it is true. He may be ideal in your MIND, or in YOUR mind. But in reality, for whtever reasons - you / him, life in general, this has not happened. And there is probably a reason , many reasons for this.

"He's scared, She's scared" is a great book on commitmentphobia. Maybe you go for unobtainable men because secretly you want men who don't want you. If they wanted you, you'd lose all respect for them. Maybe?

I agree about the "type" thing. For many years I had a "type" - I think in a way instead of being a repeat of my pwn parents' set-up, it was a reaction against it, so where my parents had had an appalling probably co-dependent relationship with zero boundaries and respect, and my dad was abusive and domineering, didn't work, and had a huge chip on his shoulder, I developed this "type" that was all about a strong, tall and brainy man from a secure, happy family, who would be very straight and square and headed for a respectable career.

I went out with man after man of this ilk and weirdly, even though I never knew it when I met them, they all came from happy families with parents who were still together (mine divorced) with one boy and one girl. Isn't that weird? These relationships always broke up after 2 or 3 years when it became apparent that the men just didn't get where I was coming from and were too "straight" for me.

I finally broke my pattern with DP who didn't seem to be my physical type, was scruffy and not v tall, and who also had an unhappy child and divorced parents. It wasn't deliberate but I think I must just have been ready for a change. I spent time with this man who I didn't think I fancied and just felt for the first time that I could be with someone who understood me. We've been together for 11 years and not only do I fancy him, I also now have changed my "template" and find the tall respectable types I used to go for leave me cold.

I think in a way you have to learn to ignore your first responses about whether you fancy someone, and give men who are "not your type" a second look - get to know them, don't write them off.

ooops "unhappy child" I meant "childhood" doh

can I just defend us men...

we are not all bad, but I am afraid often all the nice ones are even

A. Taken

B. Gay

My wife thinks I am allright, but the amount of times I have seen women go out with such obvious twats, I wonder if in fact some of you struggle to be happy unless your man keeps you on the end of a piece of string.

Quench

You may not have been ready or accepting enough to hear what they were actually saying to you. Counsellors are like shoes; you need to find one that fits.

I would give counselling another go, if you don't use BACP's services Relate would probably see you.

You do need to get these issues sorted otherwise you may be go on repeating the same patterns.

All v. good advice here. Thank you for taking an interest in my whinging

Beautiful is right. I always think there must be something wrong with the ones who like me. So instead, I end up with men who are either a. commitment phobic, b. workaholics, or c. in love with the ex / someone else.

But there is a contradiction there, because, as someone else said, I think I'm a pretty good catch, quite frankly So that doesn't make sense.

With regard to this last ex, I do think we're perfect for each other in so many ways, but never thought it would be a goer in the long term because his commitment phobia nearly drove me insane last time, but it was lovely to hook up again recently. His phone call yesterday just made me feel incredibly despondent, in a "Oh-not-again-what's-bloody-wrong-with-me" kind of way. It doesn't matter really in itself, just part of a larger pattern. Which I see I must address. Can't face more counselling though, I just don't think it works for me. I've seen masses of them over the years. But I do appreciate your advice.

Quench,

I don't personally think that you are whingeing.

This comment of yours is actually quite telling:-

"I always think there must be something wrong with the ones who like me.

And why do you think that?. You need to give that more thought. My answer to that is well no there is not but you believe that anyway of them.

"So instead, I end up with men who are either a. commitment phobic, b. workaholics, or c. in love with the ex / someone else"

Its like you don't think or believe that you deserve anyone else so you end up with the losers of this world who need rescuing and or saving from themselves. As you have seen trying to rescue and or save such men from their own selves is doomed always to failure. You cannot and should not act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

Solely being a "good catch" does not therefore come into it. You're giving off subconscious signals that attracts these types of men every time and you're responding because this is all you've known. This all goes back to your relationship with your absent through work Dad; you're replicating the past and will continue to do so if you do not fully address why. Your Dad never really had much time for you did he. And nor really does the ex.

If you really cannot face any more counselling (and I would still argue that in early days you were not willing or able to hear what they were saying to you) then I would find some books on co-dependency and relationships.

Love your own self for a change and block this man's number from your phone. You cannot even begin to recover emotionally whilst he is still in the picture.

Hence my comment that some women feel undeserving of a good bloke.

Or less secure.

"So instead, I end up with men who are either a. commitment phobic, b. workaholics, or c. in love with the ex / someone else"

These men are ALL unobtainable, aren't they. They're all focussing their attention elsewhere. You might have found yourself with an addict before, too.

Please, please read "He's scared, she's Scared". It's not a Rules-style book, it's well-written & intelligent. Right up your street!

You are attracted to unobtainable men because you are a CP who prefers to take the passive role... If you meet an unobtainable man, you feel free to chuck yourself into the relationship 100% because it can't possibly work in real life. So you're safe to fall in love as it can't possibly last. A nice, secure, dependable, unbroken man is terifying to you -- there is nobody else to blame if the relationship fails except yourself (you think), so you don't even go there.

Going for the unnobtainable men gives you an excuse for the rel'p to fail. It has a built-in expiry date.

Your ex is probably a more active-role CP. He prolly likes this new girl because she is unobtainable in some way too. Either she's not that keen on him, or moving away, still involved with an ex, unsuitable in some way... Or she just is (or pretends to be) vv hard to get.

Oh dear, many of you are scarily accurate

Beautiful, I will check out that book, it sounds well worth a read. Thanks

Hi Moist I remember reading your posts about a year ago I think when you met the nm.

I seem to be posting on lots of threads atm because they strongly resonate with me. Perhaps we should take comfort in the fact we are not alone.

But I could have written your post and am reading the resposnes with interest.

I still hold out a smidgeon of hope that I will one day meet someone with who it is mutual because I seem to have extremes - ie either they really like me and I don't feel enough for them or vice versa

ooh and I think I am quite fabulous too

Goes off to google William Leith (suppose I should know who he is - think he might be a columnist)

ah I see, much harder to spot a twat imo when they dress things up in pseudo intellectual bs and faux new mannish ness (cynical emoticon).

That's why I am going back to more down to earth men after being married to one of the above.

Hi sin

Yes, there do seem to be a few of us here don't there?

Sounds like you did well to get out of that marriage though