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Ex wants to know when I go out - reasonable?

8 replies

sapphire · 12/04/2003 19:13

A bit of background - ex is very controlling and intimidating, and can be violent. I left him two years ago, took our two children (9 and 5) to live on the other side of town. We weren't married and have always sorted out the arrangements for the children between us. He sees them every Saturday, and they stay overnight every two weeks. I offered ex parental responsibility when I left but he didn't want to go through any legal process (because it would cost money); he also doesn't pay any maintenance, although I was on benefit at first I was judged as having good cause for them not to go after him. He said he would give me money when he could, but rarely does., although i'm quite happy with that situation, want as little from him as possible.

We've just had a huge row over an issue that has come up before. Basically, ex wants to know every time I go out and leave the children with a babysitter - he feels that he has a right to know who is looking after them and when.

I don't agree; I feel that he is invading my privacy, that he only needs to know that if I go out they will be looked after by someone competent. Although he says that he doesnt want to know where I'm going or who with, simply when I go out, I feel that he is trying to have some control over my life still.

So am I being unreasonable, or is he? Should I phone him every time I go out for a couple of hours, or does he have no right to know? He was extremely threatening in the row today and I feel scared enough at the moment to go along with what he wants in the name of peace, but i need to know if I have any grounds to stick up for what I believe to be right, or whether i really am a selfish unreasonable cow as he says.

OP posts:

jac34 · 12/04/2003 19:29

As your ex "says" he only wants to know, the children are with a responsible person, then what if, you introduce him to the person who babysits for you. He still would not need to know when you go out, just that, when you do they'll be will MrsX.
Although, legally, as he refused parental responsibility, he really has no say in the matter !!
You have managed to get this far away from his control, don't give in now !!! Just offer a compromise, but stick to your guns !!!
I think you've been very strong already, you've done the worst bit !!


Chinchilla · 12/04/2003 19:32

I can understand his concern that his children be looked after by a competent sitter. However, as long as you know that they are suitable, I cannot see why he has to know when you are going out. For example, if you left your children with your mum, why would he need to know this? It does sound as if he is using this issue as 'a rod to beat you with', and I presume that you allow him to make parenting decisions when he is looking after them!

If he is threatening you, is he safe to look after the children himself?


sobernow · 12/04/2003 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 12/04/2003 20:00

NO! NO! NO! Sapphire, you are NOT unreasonable, he is. It is none of his business and he is just trying to control you by the sound of it. Um, he gives you no money, has no parental responsibility, doesn't live with you and yet thinks he has a right to a view on your judgement about babysitter suitability?!! Add to this the fact that he's been violent and, if I've got this right, this has been used as a reason for the CSA not to chase him for any money for your children despite your knowing where he is? You are neither selfish nor unreasonable IMO, he is. Please don't believe a word he says.


IDismyname · 13/04/2003 17:07

I agree with WWW - does he really think you'd leave the children with someone who wasn't capable/able/responsible enough to look after them?
Come on, you're their mum, you've given up your life to bring up those children on your own.
Tell him to sling his hook - although I know I can say that - much harder to do in reality.

You are NOT being unreasonable.


doormat · 13/04/2003 19:09

Sorry to hear about your situation Sapphire but to put it bluntly HE IS STILL TRYING TO CONTROL YOU.I agree with all the other replies. You DO NOT have to put up with his controlling behaviour.If he carries on threatening get a solicitor involved to order an injunction to restrict his access to the days you mention and more importantly his gob. I am really sorry if I sound horrible but it is none of his business. If he cares that much tell him to mind his kids. See what he says then.


mammya · 16/04/2003 02:24

Sapphire I just read this thread and I feel for you. I have had similar problems with my ex trying to control my life and I agree with the previous postings: don't let him do this to you. You were brave enough to leave him and I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision to take (it wasn't for me anyway, who wants to be a single mum on benefit in our society?) so be strong and stand your ground. You are NOT being unreasonable and selfish, he is.


sapphire · 16/04/2003 10:10

Thanks for the support everyone. I think I knew really that I was in the right but he has the ex has the knack of making me feel everything's my fault, always has, one of the many reasons I left him. I haven't spoken to him yet this week, he's having the children over Easter, sofingers crossed everything goes okay. But I am going to stand firm on this issue - will be back for more advice/support if he kicks off again!

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