Husband's mental illness, should I stay or go?

[ThirtyOneGoingonFifteen]

I know no-one can tell me what to do, but I'd appreciate other people's perspective on my situation...

Basically I have fallen out of love with my husband. To summarise things, he has self esteem and anger issues which have gradually driven a wedge between us. I have gradually lost more and more respect for him.

Anyway it's come to the point where my heart is telling me this is not a healthy relationship for either of us, and it is probably best to end it. BUT he told me last night about some terrible things that happened to him as a child, which totally explain why he is submissive, paranoid and can't control his anger.

He knows all about my lack of feelings for him, and it's adding to his paranoia and depression. Twice this week he's said we have to separate as he can't take the pain anymore. Then in the morning he's changed his mind. It's sapping the life out of me, and just making him feel worse.

He is due to start therapy soon. Do I wait and support him and see how things pan out if he gets better? Or do I end it now and let him work things out without the added pressure of our relationship problems?

Am I a coward if I leave now?

My DH has stood by me through everything and when I asked why he said

"I love you. In sickness and in health remember"

I love him so much for being there for me and we are both very much still in love with each other.

But things are different for you as you have less feelings for your husband.

Your husband is going through a terrible time mentally and now emotionally and I don't think anyone can or should tell you what to do.

If he wasn't ill would you feel differently?
If he left you how would you feel?

This is a toughie. It sounds like you resent his behaviour rather then anything else? He's getting help for this right so I'd be tempted to see how things pan out with the therapy rather then write him off but I'm as stubourn as fu*k.
It wouldn't make you a coward if you were to leave but either way, you'll have "what if...." in your head whether you stay or not so you need to decide what is the lesser of these two evils. No one can make this decision for you but I would remember who the person you fell in love was, look for the glimpses and see if he's still there. You both have a long road to travel but don't be blinded by the way he is now, especially if he's making attempts to fix this. This is just the start, it'll get bumpy.

Good luck.

My mother has had mental illness for the past 17 years by the way. Things don't always stay the same. There will be a way out of this.

That sounded do familiar, then I read the bit about childhood issues and it made me wonder if you were describing the same man! Well all I can say is that I left in the end

The love had died, the anger turned to violence and anger management, 3 lots of counselling, a stay in the priory ( funded by his job) and a domestic violence programme combined with anti depressants....... They all failed. I was in danger of becoming I'll with it all myself. And then what would have happened to our DC ?!!

Final straw was the increased violence with suicide threats. In front of DC.

Five years on and I'm now happier than ever. Unfortunately, he has a new partner who is going through he'll with him..... Don't think you CAN change a person, or expect them to one day magically just get better.

Sorry..... But sometimes love cannot ' conquer' all.

It really does have to be your decision - whether you feel him going into therapy is too little too late, or whether you want to see if the therapy helps. I think if at all possible it would be better for him to be living away from you while he starts the therapy as I imagine the start of the therapy will involve him dredging up a lot of upsetting stuff.

Thanks for everyone's replies so far.

ILoveTIFFANY - did the love for your husband die because of his anger? This has partly what has happened to me. This makes me feel guilty as I feel I should love him 'in sickness and in health' - so maybe I never actually loved him in the first place?

I have trouble actually trusting the things my OH says as sometimes his paranoia takes over and he doesn't know his own mind. I feel if he was totally rational he'd realise that we're not actually good for each other.

The love died for many reasons, but his anger issues were the biggest problem. They spilt over into every part of our relationship. And was embarassing too. Anger with our newborn.....anger with DC in front of family and friends. Anger with shop assistants, road rage with DC in the car. Anger with our pets. Anger at work where he was disciplined. Then there was everything else on top of it.

ILoveTIFFANY - your situation sounds much more extreme than mine. My OH isn't angry on a day to day basis. The problem is he denies there are any problems until it all comes out in one huge explosion every so often.

He doesn't want to cause conflict so holds all his grievances inside. No matter how many times he agrees with me that this isn't a healthy way to live, he doesn't seem able to change it.

Also, I don't think anger is a mental illness. It's part of a person. How they deal with their anger is the key. My ex couldn't. All the therapy in the world can't seem to help him.

We did both realize that it was best to split. We get on better now funnily enough. His poor partner though, I did tell her everything, but she chose to try and 'cure' him too.

I think the suggestion of living separately while he starts the therapy is a good one. At the moment our relationship issues are getting mixed up with his personal issues and it's impossible to separate them.

I just wonder if it's kinder to end things now rather than string it out when there's a strong likelihood that my feelings won't change. Then what if he's so devastated that he regresses and it's back to square one?

Totally your decision, I always say go with your gut instinct.

I suffer from depression. Most of the time I have my good days. Sometimes have my bad days. I get very paranoid, and I have a rational and irrational side, both of which often fight with one another. I bottle things up as I find it hard to talk about things to other people. I had a rough childhood, and spent majority of it alone with noone to talk to about my problems, so I never learnt how to share my problems with someone else.

My DP is very supportive. He knew me during my nervous breakdown back in 2006, and has helped me become a better person. I, unfortunately, am going back downhill, which he is trying to cope with and deal with. Majority of the times he doesn't know how, but I know if I needed to speak to him, I could.

Obviously this is different, as me and DP do love each other, and he wants to be there for me and support me. But obviously it's a struggle if you're not feeling the same way. Threapy really helped me, and hopefully your DH too.

I think if you can't decide, you may want to suggest a break and see how things go.

Good luck though whatever you decide.

Thanks Tammybear, it helps to hear about it from the other person's perspective. I really want my OH to be happy and my gut instinct is that I'm not the person that can make him happy. :-(