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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex-boyf gets in contact - oh dear dilemma!

16 replies

hellomama · 19/04/2005 21:58

Ex-bf and i were together when i was 17 (he was 20) for about a year. Defining relationship and all that. Very passionate. Kind of split up because he left uni (he went to the uni in my home town, that how we met) as he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue with the course. He went 'travelling' for 6 months. We kind of kept in contact during that time. When he returned, he came back to me, we had one more passionate night where he told me he had made a big mistake... he had marrried his czech ex-gf during the 6 months 'travelling'. I was devastated to say the least. We had a screaming row and I told him I never wanted to see him again. He tried to contact me about 5 years ago (i am now 25) but I had just moved to london with now DH and my mum warned me he would cause me lots of trouble if I got in contact so I ignored his message. But he has now managed to get in contact via email again and would like to know how I am. I have been happily married to the most wonderful man for 5 years, but I do often think about my Ex-BF, mainly because we didn't have closure and I wonder what he is doing now and if he is still married. I am sure it would lead to nothing, I am just curious. What do I do????

OP posts:
PuffTheMagicDragon · 19/04/2005 21:59

Let sleeping dogs lie.

trefusis · 19/04/2005 22:11

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marthamoo · 19/04/2005 22:12

I'm with Puff and trefusis - keep the lid on that particular can of worms.

And can we think of any more "leave well alone" cliches ?

trefusis · 19/04/2005 22:13

This reply has been deleted

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snafu · 19/04/2005 22:16

From bitter experience, I know that no good can come of fiddling with the past, however innocent or straightforward the intentions. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

HappyDaddy · 19/04/2005 22:52

Leave it, otherwise it'll cause too much grief.

Yorkiegirl · 19/04/2005 22:55

Message withdrawn

prettyfly1 · 19/04/2005 23:50

stay far far far away - believe me it never works out ESPECIALLY if there are unresolved tensions ( trust me just about to give birth to the child of my ex who was also a defining relationship - he chased me for six months and eventually got what he wanted when i was too drunk to even stand and he was sober - then did the off when i found out i was expecting). Enjoy the memories you have of him and leave it there.

Original poster
hellomama · 20/04/2005 09:40

prettyfly, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience. You will have a lovely DS / DD out of the experience though, I wish you lots of luck with the birth! I think I have been well and truly told haven't I? Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
elsmommy · 20/04/2005 09:59

I'd e-mail him back just for some closure...
Theres no harm in a little e-mail.....

elsmommy · 20/04/2005 09:59

I'd e-mail him back just for some closure...
Theres no harm in a little e-mail.....

slug · 20/04/2005 10:01

Let's see....he abandoned you, appeared back in your life suddenly, allowed you to think the relationship was back on, got intimate with you while all the time he was married and didn't think it necessary to tell you? No wonder you stioo have issues. Don't get involved with him again. If you do feel compelled to see him, use this opportunity to kick him in the balls for playing with your emotions while you were so young and vulnerable.

prettyfly1 · 20/04/2005 12:33

thanks hellomamma - i am blessed and looking ofrward to the birth of my first son but i still wouldnt want to see anyone else hurt by a relationship that should by rights be left where it is.

WideWebWitch · 20/04/2005 12:56

Agree with everyone, definitely leave it in the past. Inviting him to supper with you AND your dh is the only appropriate way to see him, if you must. But even that, what would you do it for? You don't always need 'closure' imo.

MeerkatsUnite · 20/04/2005 13:21

You may be curious but curiousity killed the cat.
Ex's are ex's often for good reason and should be kept in the past. You will open up Pandora's box if you let him in now.

Your Mum has previously given you good advice also.

I would stay well away and delete his mail that he has sent to you. BTW how did he get your e-mail address?. Change this at once. You have a new life now and you don't want to be spoiling it in any way for some "man" who, lets face it, treated you appallingly and took advantage of both his wife and you at a tender age. He is so not worth any further pain.

You perhaps need an answer as to why but I do not think you're going to get one from him. He is a toad of the first order.

Hermione1 · 20/04/2005 13:40

I'd close the book on it, if i were you. Things have changed.

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