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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

hb deeply resents me being f/t student-anyone else had the same?

16 replies

beanie35 · 21/03/2009 07:48

Im in the final year of a degree (Nearly finished) after 3 years of working really hard, as Im not a natural genius! Been with hb more than 10yrs, but only living together for the last 8 months. When I lived alone with my dc there was no prob, as hb lived/worked along way from us we met up every few weeks for few days at a time, now he is with us permanantly there has been so many probs with me and studying. He thinks Im selfish because I spend so much time with my head in a book, I have tried to compromise (getting up at 5am to study while he sleeps, etc) but he is still convinced im putting studies 1st. I literally have about 2 months left, but he is getting me down with constant moaning. I think im a good wife and mum (dc is fine with it all) I still do all the household chores, but admit Im not the most interesting company while I struggle with essays. Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 21/03/2009 07:50

What is an hb?

ssd · 21/03/2009 07:50

sorry whats hb?

beanie35 · 21/03/2009 07:51

husband

OP posts:
moondog · 21/03/2009 07:51

In a way..I study for an MSc but dh understands why.
He's being a selfish arse.Don't let him jeapordise things for you in the final months. It is hard to do everything (my dh did an MSc before me and as he works very hard and is away most of the time, it robbed us of even more time together.)

Best thing is to sit down and work out a plan week by week (eg 'I'll do 3 hours on Sat. morning and then we'll go and do X/Y/Z.')

ssd · 21/03/2009 07:53

after reading your post, I get hb

huffy bas**rd

tell him to grow up, you've done really well, don't let him undermine you now

and why doesn't he help round the house?

come on woman, sort him out!

beanie35 · 21/03/2009 07:54

Thanks moondog. Good luck with your studies.

OP posts:
HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 21/03/2009 07:55

OK he sounds like a shit husband then tbh.

Why the fuck isn't he supporting you? Why aren't you demanding more from him? How dare he undermine you in trying to improve yourself? You have only 2 months left and he's fucking trying to sabotage you? What sort of husband is that?

beanie35 · 21/03/2009 07:57

He is not a bad person, but is stuck in a 1950s moment, don't think he realised just how much effort I have to put it to get a half decent mark for my work.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 21/03/2009 08:01

Even so, he should back off until you complete it. Especially if you have final exams which means you need quiet time to revise.

ssd · 21/03/2009 08:03

but beanie, how long has he been stuck in a 1950's moment? ten minutes would be too long for me
this would seriously make me wonder about being with him

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 21/03/2009 08:04

Sorry, but it sounds to me like he is not functioning as a real partner (LOL moondog I know you'll hate that). While one of the partners in a relationship is studying, it is a PITA for the other person sometimes, but it's a long term goal which will benefit all the family and they should be supporting it. If it were the other way round, would your DH be doing all the housework and tip-toeing round after you? I don't think so. This sounds to me like your DH expects your study to be a silly little hobby of yours that you're free to pursue as long as it doesn't impact on him. That is not the attitude of a supportive, decent husband, it is deeply disrespectful of you and your goals and it is a standard of behaviour which is way below that of a husband. It is beyond crap.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 21/03/2009 08:06

If I had 2 months to go before my final exams, I would expect a husband to prioritise that above everything else in the domestic agenda tbh.

As I would for him if it were the other way round.

Perhaps that's why I don't have a husband.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 21/03/2009 08:10

do you think that on some level he doesn't want you to get this qualification?

Is he like that? Does he have a degree? Does he see himself as 'superior' in some way because of that? Or perhaps he has no degree and feels challenged by the prospect of you having one?

Do you think that, with the end in sight, he feels it's suddenly 'real' and for some reason he has a problem with your new level of education and earning potential?

beanie35 · 21/03/2009 08:25

yes, he was made redundant last year and has applied for lots of jobs, with no success. So I am supporting us with the help of my grant. He wouldn't say it, but think the thought of me having a degree is making him feel inferior, I know i have changed since I started uni, Im more confident and knowlegable (i think) Im not the person I was when we met, perhaps thats the problem.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 21/03/2009 08:30

Sounds like his 1950's moment dosn't consist of wanting women to be educated. He might be threatened. Talk to him. Sounds very selfish tbh.

poshsinglemum · 21/03/2009 08:31

I agree- he is probably feeling inferior and he's also acting inferior.

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