The flip side is loneliness

[hobbgoblin]

I've just spent the afternoon/eve with friends and our children, DHs all still at work. They all have issues with respective partners, two of them had had arguments today about sharing responsibilities of parenthood, etc.

They are genuinely and understandably naffed off with things and I really feel for them.

They said to me - knowing I am recently separated from DP - "see Hobb, you don't have to put up with this crap" and I nodded because it's true and I could moan with the best of them about DPs I've had (and a DH at one point) over the years.

I rate living in separate hosues in the same town or street!

But I said "You long for the freedom from pleasing someone else, and from accomodating another adult in the scheme of your life, but it's easy to say that when you can snuggle up when the kids are in bed and have your hair stroked, or a cup of tea made, or a lie-in or time to go to the hairdressers, but the flip side is complete and utter loneliness so much of the time."

I'm not without friends and not entirely without an adult social life but going home to a house devoid of adult company is pants.

your mates sound a bit gormless, Hobbgoblin. If they had that empty space on the sofa fr a few days, they'd soon be begging for their partners back to moan about. I can't think of anything to say to make you feel bettr / like a cup of tea has just been made for you without you doing it / some one else will check on your dc's when they make a twitter / will run a bath for you.

but, at least you cabn fart really loudly and not shave your legs?

I remember those times hobgoblin, I became single after 9 years and was introduced by a friend to another women also grieving a lost relationship, that introduction saved my life , just having "another" who knew what it felt like to go home alone after a night out,not be planning good times with a lover or as you said just being together,we became lovers without the sex if you see what i mean,companions and soul mates. now our lives have followed a parallel, we are both in happy - but sometimes frustrating relationships and by co-incidence have both had a baby at the same time, her second , my first ! She is still my closest friend after 12 years and we remember the hard times and the good times we created. Could you find a friend who may be in your situation , it can be very lonely to listen to others moaning about what you want ,and I always remember "change happens when we change" all the best

ps I fart loudly and dont often shave my legs , but although my dh may not love me for it he loves me despite it - thats the best

I am also alone after 26 years of marriage, so imagine the void I had, especially with 3 children. At first (when ex left) I LOVED the space, the ease with which I did everything, the freedom to choose without having to accomodate another half. I made a lot of mistakes and financially I was suddenly aware of how inept I was.
My two older children are now independant but youngest DD is with me. I am scared of stunting her growth because we do everything together, we are very close altho I do try to keep that distance required, so that she can grow as a person.
I've had BF's and some have got closer than others, but I always put our stability and security first. No weirdo's set foot in here and current BF lives far enough away not to crowd our space. In fact, apart from verbal, he doesn't interfere at all.
I often think, would I like him MORE in my life but after 5 years of being independant.... I don't know. I make mistakes and noone moans, I do exactly as I please to the best of my own judgement. I do think that is a valuable thing to me.
But yes, on lonely nights I feel as if I'm being taken advantage of, that I will end up old and lonely, when I want him close or accompanying me or supporting me in stuff, he's not there. But that is something I have crafted as I hold on to this 'me by myself' thing. I guess I'm still not up for a full on, share everything, wake up and start to accomodate another person, lifestyle yet. Hopefully when I am (if) he'll still be around... but it's not something I can hurry-up. When you are ready and want it, it will probably happen.

op, you're friends sound a bit insensitive

sorry you're feeling down

Having a thought here, yes, I've noticed that my friends that are in marriages/relationships do nothing but moan about their other halves, or what it demands.. I wonder if they see us as a wailing wall...
Even my own sister does it about her near perfect husband. I often think to myself and feel like saying 'you don't say that when he's lining up holidays in Cuba and buying you tickets to go see your favourite show'. Or another friend who has a particularly rich boyfriend... who is constantly topping up her bank account and whisking her off for various romantic escapes.
They all do it, and I suppose somewhere they feel guilty about it and think we only remember the bad stuff they report to us. Yes, it's a common thing. I am now more aware of it.

Kally, I think people just genuinely don't think a lot of the time

I have one acquaintance, I wouldn't say friend now, who moans constantly about how hard parenting is even though she has help from her mum 7 days a week, and I mean a WHOLE LOT of help. I have no help at all, yet she sees me as someone to moan to.

Can you try to make other friends who wouldn't make you feel so lonely?

I remember watching "Oprah" and she was asked what keeps her young, she replied "surrounding myself with people who don't make me feel bad"

I think we need to take that advice

hope things get better for you.x

I've had this one too, hobb. They genuinely believe it aswell. Totally insensitive, doubt it's what they'd say if I was widowed instead of 'just' divorced.

Am struggling today as ex husband has weekend with our daughter and isn't bringing her back til six o'clock, as per court order.Makes me really sad, especially as she's been making cards at playgroup and nursery and asking me what 'movver day' is.

Oh hobgoblin .

Any chance you can get yourself to some evening classes, clubs or whatever so you can get some more adult company and perhaps meet someone?

How about a nice male cleaner/cook/odd job man who can greet you when you walk through the door? (dream dream.....!)

hobb - you make a very sensible and very valid point. I hope plenty of MN readers take note.

People of course should not stay in a bad relationship but if a relationship can be repaired and made to work then it is far better than being alone. I have never truely had that experience but I did live alone for 3 months when my wife had to go overseas for business and I did feel that loneliness you describe.

kally - you also make a very sensible and valid point and I have to say it is somethig that really annoys me about a lot of the Relationship threads on MN.

I have never read a Relationship thread written by a man (there may be some I have not seen) but the ones I read by women sometimes speak to me of a completely unbalanced attitude. Yes of course there are bad relationships, some men are truely abusive and so are some women.

Frankly, I do sometimes think people need to get real - and actually realise how lucky they are. I know that if a man pays the bills and the woman is say a SAHM then it does not make him the owner of his wife. However, I also know of women who are whisked off on holidays, live in a nice house, have nice clothes, spend all day at the sports club, kids at private school, lovely food, restaurant meals, nanny, cleaner, etc and yet they still sit there winging about their DH/DP. I look with sorrow at their husband who quite frankly is being used in many cases.

I just think if you live for free on the back of someone elses hard work then at least show a bit of gratitude and make sure you pull your weight and stop wingeing. If there is smething bad in your relationship then work on it and change it.

Unfortunately our friends do find it easy to moan about their partners over coffee with girlfriends, particularly as you rightly said, when they have someone to moan about the kids to later on at night!

I don't think they mean to be necessarily unkind when they use the old 'it's ok for you' line, they just don't think and to be honest which of us hasn't felt jealousy of some kind when we're in relationship and our friends are single or vice versa?

Abby
www.girlsgoout.co.uk
Need mates not dates