He has decided to stop drinking

[CherryChoc]

My DP has decided to stop drinking... I am very happy he has come to this decision but also worried that there is something under the surface he isn't telling me.

Little backstory - he's never harmed me or DC and never would but I had been worried about him drinking, he would get angry and want to start fights - one time when I was pregnant he nearly did have a fight with his friend and I was on the verge of calling the police, when our neighbour came round and unexpectedly broke the tension (his wife had just had a baby!) told him if he ever did anything like that again I would leave and not come back.

He has drunk since he was about 14 and very heavily so it is a big thing for him. It was his birthday the other day and he drank so much he nearly passed out (not v. responsible now he has a baby to consider) and ended up sitting on the sofa saying in a very calm voice "I just feel like I want to hit someone, I feel really angry, I don't know why." And then later went on to say he didn't even know why he drank... he didn't like the feeling of being drunk, he didn't drink to escape, he just drank because it was drink and that is what he did. I suggested he try not drinking for a month and see how he felt but he said he had tried that, so I half seriously suggested a year, and the next morning he mentioned it to his friend who has bet him £50 he can't do it - now he has motivation to keep to it.

He has just texted me saying he's been to the doctor because he had a pain in his side and the doctor has said he needs to stop drinking. He is so rubbish at talking he always tries to get the emotional conversations dealt with over text message!

Don't really know why I am posting, I suppose just for support.

Al anon is really helpful to support families and partners of people with alchol problems - they have been through it and can help you deal with it - good luck

Wow -- something must have really impinged on him for him to stop.

Brilliant that he made the decision, albeit with a few people making suggestions, but look at it as a positive thing!

Hope he sticks to his guns. Could you google pictures of liver damage to help him see why he is in pain? it will only get worse too.

Perhaps he's been in a lot of pain and doesn't want to worry you and prob feels pretty bad about himself too.

Best of luck.

A £50 bet is not a good reason to stop.He needs help with the anger and why he drinks.Could he go to his gp and get some counselling?

Think you are still right to be worried. This is not a good situation for anyone and now his health is being affected. Were you not able to go to the GP with him?.

Why are you with him?. Many people in these situations end up acting as their partner's enabler. Who is buying the alcohol?. Does he work, who is supporting who here?.

I would suggest talking to Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.
You need real life support too.

Alanon would be good for you. He needs to ask his GP what services are available locally to support him in stopping drinking. If you are Dorset area I can help with some numbers.

noddyholder, I know he has done anger management before but felt patronised by it, so I don't know how open he would be to the idea of counselling.

Attila I didn't know he was going to the GP until he texted me after he had been. He works and earns most of the money, I stay at home with our DS. (Am on mat leave at the moment but not going back to work) Why shouldn't I be with him? We love each other. I suppose the drinking hasn't been a big problem as he only really does it at weekends - since DS was born probably about once a month or so.

Will have a look at al-anon. Thanks for the messages. Am not in Dorset

For him to stop drinking right away is v v dangerous. Especially if he is a heavy drinker. You didn't say how much he actually drinks.

He needs to cut down slowly, to ease the withdrawals, otherwise he is at risk of Delirium Tremens.

This advice comes from an ex heavy drinker too. I was NEVER told to stop straight away.

Best of luck!

CherryChoc,

Ultimately he is only responsible for himself, you are not responsible for him. He is not yours to fix, perhaps you thought you could sort him and his many issues out when you first knew of his problems. Perhaps a lot of people in his life had either left him or let him down badly in other ways. You may well be the first person in his life not to leave him. This is why I ask also why you are also with him. You love him yes but love is often not enough in these situations. I think your primary role in this relationship is one of enabler; you currently hold it all together because he is in no real position to.

What triggered all this within him, something happened to him at 14 if not before to start this all off. Where's this anger come from?. Who is he really angry at (BTW its not you). Do you know what sort of childhood he had?. You of course do not have to answer that but if you knew it was chaotic and or dysfunctional the roots of his problems started at that time.

He needs to talk openly to a counsellor about the drink and the anger within (and you could speak to Al-anon as well) but he does seemingly find it very difficult to be open up to anyone at all. Why? He texts you and you are his partner. Why can't he actually speak to you?. He did not tell you either that he had been to the GPs until after his visit. That is very sad.

Anger management is actually of no benefit at all if there has been any signs of physical violence to anyone else previously. No wonder he felt patronised; he needs another sort of counsellor service.
AM won't actually help him.

Have no doubt at all that you love each other but there is a third party to this relationship and that is the alcohol; the ever present mistress. He has continued to drink even though he now has a family of his own. His long standing alcohol problem impacts on him along with everything and everyone else around him. You and your child will act accordingly around him too.