I have realised alot of things and i am now emotionaly flooded.

[Realisationisaharshthing]

This is going to be long but i need to get my thoughts in some sort of order. Forgive me if this is a bit jumbled.

I have come to realise how deeply unhappy dp is, it kind of clicked today after years of denial.

He said this morning that everyday he is finding it hard to find reasons to stay.

We got together young, we have 2 children. I think he finally coming to terms with his lost teenage years and i think he is starting to resent us for it.

He has never taken to fatherhood completley, he had no father figure growing up and his childhood was just a constant string of abuse at the hands of his mother and her many partners.

He has so much rage built up in him, the slightest thing he can fly off the handle at.
I belive this is due to his childhood and although he has done a NHS 5 sessions counceling programme he has got no better.

He is depressed, yes i know this but he wont take tablets for more than a few weeks.

Our life is hard, DS is disabled I am partly disabled and tbh i don't think either of us pictured our lives to be like this.

I have asked him to decide if he would like to leave, i have said i will bare no grudge and i will not expect any support, i just want him to be happy, i would manage on my own i think.
Even a trial seperation i think would help so he could either decide wether he wanted the free life without a family or maybe he would realise that we are what he wants afterall?

Our kids are naughty, its our fault we spent no time playing with them, i could make all the excuses under the sun about housework and no time but it no excuse really. Were shouty parents and the kids don't deserve it.
I am constantlyfinding us saying 'get down' 'go away' 'leave me alone' as i am always so wound up and on edge. Hence the children have become destrucive becuase they are bored.

Neither of us has any friends, he has some from an old job but it has become apparent over the past few weeks that we are not part of thier circle anymore as we have kids and commitments.

Our flat is a tip it is so clutters and full of broken toys, i just cannot seem to get on top of it.

We don't have alot of outside support to babysit ect.

We don't have sex alot i have no desire to do it, dp has a high sex drive and i comply a couple of times a month for dp's sake.

DP doesn't spend anytime with the kids and then resents the fact that they don't come near him, he comes in from work and goes strieght to the computer, he says he feels stupid playing with them, he wont even read them a book even if im not there as he said it makes him sound stupid.

He is seriously shy and has no confidence in anything he does.
He is ina job he doesn't enjoy, he is a computer wizz but he has no qualifications but again he has no confidence to go out and get any, plus we wouldn't have the money to afford any courses anyway.

I don't know how to help this family anymore or even if i can, we just go round and round in circles and its just so much to cope with.

Couldn't read and run but don't have much time to post...

You have a lot of things to deal with and you can't do them all at once.

What's your priority?

Pick one and get up NOW THIS MINUTE and work on it (ie tidy up, play a game with the kids, give DH a kiss or more )

I know thats what i need to do, i just feel so bad like i have ruined dp's dreams and plans and the kids are getting a bad deal to.

I think the really important thing is that you are recognising the problems you have and the affect they are having on how you treat your children and this in turn is affecting them. this is a major thing that many people fail to recognise so the fact that you have identified the problems puts you well on the way to being able to fix them. Good Luck

Don't take it all on at once, try and break things down into manageable chunks. I think I'd give the kids some attention first, your life will be easier if they're feeling safe and loved, just a little while spent with them will bring huge rewards, maybe you and partner could play with them together so he doesn't feel so self-conscious. Our kids mirror us in a way, so if we're out of sorts, stressed, insecure, then they will act that way too, give them a little affection and I think you'll see changes really quickly. Pack up the broken toys, concentrate on the ones that are ok to play with and have a little game with them. It may make you more relaxed too.

I am really sorry that you are having to go through so much all at once.

A few months ago my DH woke up one morning and said he wanted to leave. I was 22 weeks pregnant at the time and we have a 14month old. I was caught unawares as I thought everything was going great. Granted the 'spark' was gone as we had put our relationship on hold for so long.

I had my FIL come and get my DD that minute and my DH and I spent the day talking through everything. Somewhere in the day he decided he wanted to stay and work on things as we are really good together and have a good foundation...just needed to find it again.

We started going to counselling once a week and he spoke to his GP as it was not like him to have a 'moment' like he did.

The GP recomended this website:
www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/

My DH looks at it all the time and so do I.

I can honestly say that a few months later we are doing so much better. We took the time to talk about our wants and when we started being a happier couple, everything else in life seemed easier too.

I hope that all makes sense and helps. It is not easy, and I will never forget some of the things he said that day. However, the website was very helpful and maybe could be of some use for you too.

Good luck and wish you the best

As an adult he may be able to get on to some of the train to gain courses which are free.

Example

Your list is so long that it's never going to seem manageable as it stands. But each individual concern is manageable. So prioritise - if I were you, I'd sort out the parenting issues first. You will be happier if your kids are happier.

I think every parent in the land will admit that there are times they have to force themselves to play with their DCs, but once you do it you suddenly find yourself having fun. So force yourself to take them to the park this weekend, force yourself to play a board game or whatever - and it will become second nature and you will actually enjoy it.

You can't make your DH take the ADs - that has to come from him. You sound to me like you're being very selfless and reasonable wrt him. But basically he has to sort himself you - you can't do it for him.

Are you having help with how you feel? From what you describe it sounds as if you are depressed too. Can you go and talk to your GP about it?

Wow thanks for all the replys, i am taking AD's as i have manic depression.

I am going to put the children to bed a bit earlier tonight and have a good talk with him, and try and go through each thing one by one.
I have taken the kids to the park after nursery today and fell a bit better for it, being out in the sunshine and fresh air seems to make things seem a little less hard.

DP seems to think after his short course of councelling he is magically cured, he was doing really well untill his father who he had contact with split up with his then wife and went AWOL no body has seen nor heard of him since xmas time and the police think he has just done a moonlight flit and started a fresh somewhere new. This reall shook dp badly, he has no family except his grandpartens who are far away, he is completley estranged from his mum and as a result his teenage brother and sister.

The councelor he saw told his it was ok to be feeling like he is after everything that has happened so he has taken it as meaning that its ok to shout and loose his temper every 5 mins.

Social porblems are also showing, dp will not go anywhere crowded, busy or noisey so our social life is confined to quiet resturaunts and the cinema, which is really nice but sometimes i wish for a bit more.

It tears me apart to see him so low. He has no hobbies or anything, he just seems so unintersted in everything.

He also finds our health issues hard to cope with, ds has a long life limiting illness and i have been told i will proably be wheelchair bound in a few years time amongst other daily medical problems, his mum had Cancer when he was a kid and illness now terifies him. He responds to it by getting angry and frustrated which doesn'r help.

I shall definatley find out about and funding he could get for learning as i think actually doing something with himself will cheer him up alot, he iscredably talented when it comes to all things i.t he just needs a push to use his skills.

Thanks again for your replys.