Am I doing anyone a favour by staying in this marriage???

[psych101]

Just looking for good ole advice from some fellow parents... I am mom of two, 10 year old and a 6 year old. Fabulous children of course!! DH is very mean, and nasty to me, but nice to everyone else.. He is controlling, and hasn't kissed me in at least 6 years. Latest event, we went to a resort to visit a friend I haven't seen in years, and he hasn't met them yet either. I was so happy to see her again, and when we returned back to our hotel, he told me that I should be more like her, and that the reason they are so successful, (and they are) is because she is strong, and stands behind him. He proceeds to tell me that I'm not strong, and that is why we're not as successful as them. Okay, this may not seem like much, but it's always something... he felt the need to put me down b/c it was the first time he met a friend of mine from my past, as I moved to the other side of country years ago, before meeting him. My energy is drained, and he sucks the life from me... is anyone else going through this??? I am contemplating telling him to leave, but it's hard b/c of the children... I feel too guilty. I could go on, and on with things that he's done that are just mean. any advice???

Go to assertiveness classes

Sorry.. i have been in your situation flower and all i can say is you will get a lot of support on here enough to enable you to grow a backbone (not being nasty) and stand up to him.
Every day he is criticising you is another day you lose a bit of your self esteem and respect.. no wonder you feel drained.
TELL him how he makes you feel and that you will not stand for it any more.
If its any consolation we are often mean to the very people who love us the most as we feel safe offloading onto them. This doesn't make it right.

Kick his ass into touch xx

Hi

This is not salvageable, you are in an abusive relationship. There has to be a plan of escape.

Being with a controlling man will do you and the children no favours whatsoever. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

Has he isolated you gradually over the yearsfrom your own family and friends, does he primarily control what you spend?. Does he not let you work?. Those are also controlling behaviours. He has you in a cage of his own making.

Controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours and he is projecting his insecurities onto you. You cannot fix him nor should you try to. Controlling behavuours are often deeply rooted (he perhaps learnt this from his own parents) and started early. You are only responsible for your own self and the children ultimately.

Many abusers as well are completely plausible to the outside world; I am therefore not surprised to read that he is nice to everyone else. He may well turn on the children later on in their teenage years too if they dare to answer him back.

What are you both teaching them about relationships?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents. Your 10 year old in particular is likely to be aware that something is amiss between the two of you and perhaps even blames his or her own self.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Infact I would suggest you do read this as a matter of course; this books details how controllers operate.

Stop feeling guilty and take some more steps to free yourselves from him (the very first one is the hardest but you have taken another small step by writing here which is a big thing). Guilt is a useless emotion.

Womens Aid is a useful website to look at as well.

He is abusive and controlling. I would leave, you deserve better.
If you really want to stay with him I would sit him down and tell him that he has put you down for the very last time and that he is not to do it ever again and that if he wants to stay with you he will have to work at it and you both need to go to Relate. If he isn't willing to get counselling or can't see a problem there is nothing left to salvage.

pysch101,

Joint counselling is not adviseable if there are controlling behaviours within the relationships. This is because many of these people will use and manipulate the sessions to justify the abuse further in their own minds.

If you do go to Relate I would suggest you go your own.

Thats an interesting point about joint counselling ATM, do you think if she did go jointly she could raise this with the counsellor in a previous one to one session?

Thank-you all for your words of 'encouragment...' of course, I could definitely use the mid-part of that word!!

I will look for the book by Lundy Bancroft. It's nice to know that I'm not crazy, and that his treatment just isn't right. And yes... it definitely comes from his background, I've witnessed the control his dad had on his mom myself, and he is copying his father's behaviour to a Tee.

Attila, funny you should mention the isolation bit, for over a year, maybe two, I wasn't 'allowed' to see my own mother!! I had to sneak around as if having an affair just to see her, or talk to her on the phone. They had an argument prior, and then that was it. It didn't change until we moved 1.5 hours away, to an island, and she's quite ill, so NOW it's okay to see her..

I'm a westcoast Canadian girl here on this site, and I moved from the mainland to the island, b/c he wanted to, and left all friends and family. Thank goodness, I do have more here now, but quite traumatic to say the least at the beginning, can you imagine!

I'm stronger now than 2 years ago,
and each day I feel a little closer to 'making him leave.' hopefully, it won't be (us leaving ) out of desperation.

Thank-you ATM, I would NOT go to joint counselling with him, b/c he WILL use it against me for sure.

Thank-you so much again for your comments, it really does help!