Criteria for reconciliation: am I being reasonable or controlling/perfectionist/fickle?

[SpottedDick]

DS's dad and I were together for about 13 years before we separated a while ago. Despite a messy split, we are getting along well now, and talking tentatively about trying again.

The circumstances of our separation were grim - my partner had a breakdown of sorts, went off the rails, and was unfaithful, damagingly irresponsible with money and all-round disrespectful. This was out-of-character for him, and I partly understand the stresses he was under at the time and why he 'broke'. He has calmed down now, and is mortified at how he behaved and genuinely sorry.

Although I wouldn't expect the highs of the honeymoon phase to return, if we were to try again, I would want to respect him, fancy him, find him interesting and fun to be around - which he is some of the time, but is generally a shadow of his old self. I believe he needs to take full responsibility for his blip and get himself back on track emotionally, physically and mentally. For years of our being together, he was happy-go-lucky, looked after his health, ate well and did a bit of exercise, dressed like he cared about himself, was confident and had things he was passionate about and which he wanted to achieve. A great bloke! I'd like a version of him similar to this, if I am to be with him at all.

So, I'm tempted to say that I'd be willing to give it another go if he:

• Rediscovers what he wants to do/is passionate about, instead of moping about so much of the time and drifting off into endless thoughts about his work and life's purpose - by his own admission, he is 'lost'
• Generally gets off his arse, grows up, gets some help with lifting his spirits and gets his mojo working again
• Loses weight, cares about what he eats again, and resumes a bit of exercising
• Stops smoking (which he never used to do)
• Gets a few new clothes which make him look his age instead of 10 years older

On the one hand, I think it's fair for me to be more than a bit ballsy about this because he put DS and I through hell and we deserve better. On the other, I feel guilty because I'm essentially saying I won't accept him for who he is - 'warts and all' - and that he has to make a hearty effort at being the best he can be for me to be interested. Or is that fair enough? Am I being reasonable or a bit of a bitch?

Thanks.

Anyone?

Oh this is tough. You are asking a lot, and some of it might just not be possible - if he's had a period of depression and loss of self-esteem, he can't just "pull himself together" because you want him to.

People change over 15 years - I'm sure you're a different person too. You can't just turn the clock back to how he was when things were good.

And he could probably say all the right stuff - "Yes, my mojo is well and truly working again", but that wouldn't make it true. I think if you still love him enough to give it a go, you are going to have to accept him back as a changed person. That needn't be a bad thing - it will just be different.

I would say your criteria are spot on, maybe bar the last one which would be a bonus but not essential. However, the magnitude of both what he did in the past, coupled with what he needs to become (and rightly so) in order to win your affection, seem absolutely huge.

Are you planning to attend couples counselling? Maybe a good place to start if you are both serious about starting again.

Yep, totally agree with what Hassled said.

Do you love him?

I suppose you have now seen him for what he can become (and that is not nice).

Does he want to be 'him' again? - because it has to come from him first.

On the one had i understand that you think you should accept him warts and all - 'for better for worse' and all that, but he gave all that up when he had his 'breakdown'.

That may sound harsh in that if he was mentally ill then he may not have been completely responsible for his actions - but you dont say he is on long term medication.

I think i would want him to take full responsibilty for his actions and it was HIM that destroyed the relationship, and now you have a chance to start again.
And by making demands you are being reasonable.

When my h had an affair it was the end of our 'old' marriage, we are still together but it is on terms we are both happy with. And i wont tolerate certain things - my h has to either accept that or accept that he ruined our marriage.

Good luck

I think you are not unreasonable to be clear about what you want from a relationship (with him or anyone). It would be much much worse to get back together and then constantly get at him for not being the man he used to be.

Perhaps have a chat to him about it - perhaps he will say "yes, I want to get back to that person too" or perhaps he will say it's not possible. But you can't be with someone you don't love and respect. Better to stay separated and focus on your relationship as co-parents.

Good luck!

i think as well you have to both somehow put the episode to one side and begin again.

You cant always harp back to how badly he treated you as an excuse in the future.

My 'lightbulb' moment was when we were getting on and i suddenly felt as if i WANTED to spend my life with him and grow old together.

I hate what he did - i will never understand it, but i have to not dwell on it and in effect start again.

You wont get the honeymoon back and maybe not try - he is changed - as you are now so try and embrace that instead.
Of course if you dont like the person he has become you dont have to give it another try and certainly dont feel you owe him another chance.

It is not easy getting past what he has done but with some couselling and talking it through you may be able to accept it.

Thanks for posts. Hassled - he has had several periods of depression. This has been going on for a few years now. You are right that he can't just "pull himself together" - I know it's not as simple as that. But I do believe he has to take responsibility for his tendency towards depression and do something about it, rather than being resigned to it. It would be selfish not to. And after several years of this, I have compassion fatigue TBH.

I don't think it can go back to how it used to be, and like I said, I wouldn't expect the blinkered loveliness of the honeymoon phase again - but I do think it's reasonable to expect a partner to be the best they can be more of the time than not, deal with their demons, address mental heath issues that risk derailing the relationship, etc.

HappyWoman - good point about it having to come from him first. You're right. He would have to want to do these things, intrinsically.

Hassled, I don't think I can accept him being too different from who he was most of the time I was with him. I don't believe we love our partners unconditionally - we are drawn to them for who they are, and if many of the attractive things that make them who they are change, our affection for them is going to wane.

I'm sorry your marriage was rocked by you DH having an affair, HappyWoman. It sounds as though your being tough about what is and is not acceptable is working - good for you. I tend towards being too reasonable/understanding, and so I am determined to be tougher, more no-nonsense from now on - but DS's dad finds my ballsy approach cold and unappealing. Tough.

I do still love him, on some level, though not as solidly as before. I don't respect him much, if at all, and I know that's not good. HappyWoman, do you respect your DH now? Did it take a while for respect to return?

We have tried couples counselling. It was helpful, addressed some issues, and the counsellor was lovely - she said, although she admitted she shouldn't pass comment, that she really hoped we could sort things out, since we made such a lovely couple. I just didn't feel ready - the respect thing is a big deal for me, I think, as well as letting go to someone who hurt me greatly and trusting they won't do it again.

Ah, I am rambling! Thanks again for helpful posts.

it is not easy being tougher - we too have issues over it.

I think i have been too reasonalbe in the past but since his affair learned a lot about myself. I have tried to make clear boundaries for myself and if h loves me as much as he says and is willing then he will stick to them.

I can see where my faults were too - but like i say it is not always easy as h sometimes still expects to be able to 'talk me around' to what he wants and does get frustrated when i say i am not prepared to put up with that.

The classic was if he wanted to go out after work and stay over - i dont think i was ever 'happy' with that but tolerated it as i wanted h to be happy and not think of me as an old nag. Now i will say 'i am not happy about XYZ and if he chooses to still go ahead he takes responsibilty, rather than thinking i have given him 'permission'. iyswim

it is not easy being tougher - we too have issues over it.

I think i have been too reasonalbe in the past but since his affair learned a lot about myself. I have tried to make clear boundaries for myself and if h loves me as much as he says and is willing then he will stick to them.

I can see where my faults were too - but like i say it is not always easy as h sometimes still expects to be able to 'talk me around' to what he wants and does get frustrated when i say i am not prepared to put up with that.

The classic was if he wanted to go out after work and stay over - i dont think i was ever 'happy' with that but tolerated it as i wanted h to be happy and not think of me as an old nag. Now i will say 'i am not happy about XYZ and if he chooses to still go ahead he takes responsibilty, rather than thinking i have given him 'permission'. iyswim