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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm 37 - why does my mother still affect me so much?

31 replies

sandyballs · 19/04/2005 12:22

Just wanted a rant really and don't know where else to do it as I'm stuck at work - just had a blazing row with my mother in my open plan office .

She is 78 and has been a widow for about 15 years - has no friends and relies on me and my brother for company. Brother doesn't get on with her and rarely visits, I pop over once or twice a week depending on what else is going on (I work 3 days a week and have twin 4 year old girls).

I haven't seen her for a week as my girls have had parties to go to on my days off, and I've wanted to spend time with DH at the weekend as a family rather than dashing off to visit mum - I have, however, rung her every day, she very rarely rings me. On the 'phone she has been very off and cold which is her usual way when I haven't been to see her. I rang her this morning and mentioned the fact that I could see a pattern - ie, I don't visit for a week, she gets all stroppy and cold and starts inventing places/people she has to see when I do suggest meeting up. She laughed and said it was all in my imagination, then went on to list a few of my faults, as she saw them, spending too much money, spoiling my girls, rushing around too much with friends ..... ending up with the fact that she feels I only visit occasionally "out of duty".
I forgot I was at work and screamed down the 'phone "Out of bloody duty .... that's why I got 3 buses and two trains with 2 bloody four year olds to come and see you the other week when my car had broken down". Hardly duty! She started to cry, said I had really upset her and put the phone down. Now I should just forget it, but she really gets to me, I'm peed off that at 37 my stroppy weird mother still makes me feel like that. I'm a mother myself so why does she still affect me like this.

If anyone is still awake thank you for reading this, very boring and very trivial I know in the great scheme of things but it's better off my chest.

OP posts:
almostanangel · 20/04/2005 10:30

we are having our first holiday out of this country this year...it is our first holiday without my parents!! we have always taken them ..and she is telling everyone they are going on holiday and leaving me behind!! arghhhhh

almostanangel · 20/04/2005 10:31

but i LOVE her .sigh shes my mum..and i amsure when i lose her all the things that anoy me i shall miss.

fostermum · 20/04/2005 18:06

if i visit my ailing mother every day she says im fussing and told to go away the moment i get there.if i miss a day im a neglectful child who only ever visits her every now and then,and dont hear the last of it for days!

mogwai · 22/04/2005 09:27

Mothers can make your life an absolute misery. I think mine has affected me life negatively every day for the past 20 years, it eats away at you.

My own mother treated me very badly for years, emotional abuse at it's worst, kicked me out of home for no reason (and later said she didn't remember doing it!!!!!! I never went back) and has tried to deny everything she's ever done, then blamed it on someone else, then, as a final line of defence, has said "Oh, you're saying I'm a bad mother...sob sob" trying to turn it around on me.

She made a huge fuss 9 weeks before our wedding because she wasn't happy with some of the arrangements, yet she had not been involved in any aspect of the planning or the finances, got the whole family to rally against me by telling lies about me, they no longer speak to me and say they won't patch things up until things are better between me and my mother.

Then after I got married she writes me this letter saying she wants us to be close friends. What???? Methinks she saw grandchildren on the horizon and realised what she had to lose (the grandchildren, not me - she loves babies but loses interest when they get older). I've tried to patch things up a bit for the sake of my soon to be born baby, but it's so hard, harder even than just keeping a distance. She bought loads of baby stuff, really kind, but it meant I didn't have the pleasure of buying it for myself.

She's getting older, she's lonely, has not a friend in the world and only a hanful of family who still speak to her. I'm torn between feeling sorry for her and feeling sorry for me!

Big huge hugs to anyone who suffers a mother like this, I wish we were all friends in RL and could offer more than online support, it really is very distressing and confusing!

squirrel3 · 22/04/2005 09:40

My mother sounds the same as yours mogwai,(see my thread feeling really sad and alone) the difference is she will not admit what she has done. I have two brothers and none of us will have anything to do with her, in her warped mind she thinks that she has done such a good job because we are independant of her!!???!!!?

She threw my older brother out when he was 16, I left on my 16th birthday and my younger brother was 17 when he left.

I am having to have contact with her at the moment but it is sooooo hard all of the feelings of worthlessness are creeping back and all of the past hurts, I also feel angry!!!!

All of this and having to deal with another really difficult situation at the same time.

I just hope that one day I can walk away from her for good and have nothing more to do with her.

mogwai · 24/04/2005 18:32

oh lordy

went to see her today, she makes me feel so bad! She wants to buy me things for the baby, trouble is I'm a really organised person and have already got everything. I can hear the disappointment in her voice when she suggests something she could buy and I say "Oh I've already got one". Pretty soon I'll have to lie!

I'm independent and organised because I had to be - she didn't care for me when I was younger, so I'm what she made me. Why do I feel so bad about it - it's like she thinks I'm deliberately not sharing the experience of having a baby with her. Makes me feel rotten

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