friendships......i tried something and the result has made me quite sad.

[queenrollo]

it dawned on me a while ago that it is always me who makes the calls, who drives over to see friends (both when i lived 15 mins away and even now that i have moved an hour away)......and my friends always say 'oh it's my turn to phone you/visit you next'.......

so i decided that this time i just wasn't going to be the one to make the first move. I thought i'd leave it and see how long it was before i heard from my friends......and this week i have been feeling very sad that not one of them has been in touch. Not even a quick phone call or text to say 'hi, really busy at the moment but just checking in'.....
I don't think i am pushy, i have always made it very clear that i am not offended by honesty, that we all have kids and sometimes we are just too busy/tired/want family time and if it's not convenient to meet up or chat on the phone then to just say so and we'll do it when it is convenient.

So now i'm wondering what to do? I feel very hurt by this, i have always been there for my friends. Got up in the early hours to talk them through crisis, done emergency shopping for them if they have been ill or stuck at home with a poorly child......all the things i think a good friend should do.
I have started questioning whether i simply expect too much from friendships or whether it's something about me that i can't see and whether i should take this as a sign that i need to move on......but then it leaves me with no friends....and i am lonely.

that does sound a bit miserable. Maybe you need to get out and meet people in your new town?

I have made friends with another mum who i pop to see once a week for coffee. I live in the countryside so it's a bit harder to meet people.....and also because of my situation with ds i don't have him when the playgroups are on so i don't meet other mums that way.

I am a bit like this -- my friends usually end up calling me...

Think one can get into a pattern of expecting people to call/get in touch.

I wouldn't get offended by it, but give your friends the heads up on the fact that you are feeling a bit down. People cannot be expected to be mind readers.

Just send them a text saying, 'need cheering up...'

don't take it personally. you have moved away. most phone calls texts are about meeting up etc.

tbh it sounds awful for you but I haven't spoke to one of my closest friends in a ouple of weeks and hadn't seen her for months before that (we werexchanging xmas presents afew weeks ago) and joked okay see you next year

I used to be hurt by this but or dcs all have different timetables and it really is easy to get carried away doing your own thing, why don't you send your friends a txt
Wondering what you've been up to, fancy coming for a visit

so you've made the move but they will have to make the effort to come and see you

And because you are the one who always makes contact they're prob saying wonder whats wrong with Rollo she must be really busy

ahhh pressed the wrong button.....

i have lots of friends who i speak to via phone/internet but who are spread all over the country and i meet up with through the summer months at festivals and camping. I have always made sure there is a balance through the summer and that i don't neglect my local/all year round friends just because my summer diary is busy.
It's the afternoon coffee and chat i miss and the comfort of talking things through with people who really know me.

Poor you. It's possible that this is just one of those busy times for your friends (you know the ones - children won't sleep at night, MIL visiting, lots on at work, everyone's ill etc). Also, some people are just crap at doing their turn - I know that I have a lot of friends I am delighted to see but just never get round to/have time to/take a moment to think about meeting up with. On my part it's nothing more than thoughtlessness and being hashed and a crap mate - definitely nothing malicious.

However, I can see that it is upsetting for you, and that you feel like you are not getting benefit from the friendships, so I agree with edam's wise suggestion of trying to mix with people locally. That doesn't have to mean abandoning your previous friends, just that you let them do the legwork for a bit and in the meantime you open up whole new circles of friends and acquaintances.

I think some people are just much better at keeping in touch than others, in the same way that some people are more organised at home/work. I wouldn't take it personally if they are pleased to hear from you.

Hi QR. Sorry you're feeling down in the dumps. I've had similar things with my friends in the past and questioned whether they really were friends at all. I've now come to the conclusion that some people are just 'arrangers' and some aren't - it's like in a marriage when you have this unspoken agreement about who does what (he takes the recycling out and drives everywhere, I cook, clean, dothe laundry etc.) It doesn't matter if the balance is skewed so long as both parties are happy and feel appreciated. I accept that my friends are a bit crap and I will always have to be the sheepdog; they accept that I'm a bit of a control freak and tease me accordingly. It took me a long time to accept that they feel the same about me as I do about them, but now it works just fine. Have confidence in your friendships and get herding! Xx

agree that it is very very easy to slip into roles of arranger/arrangee...be frank with them,'tests' are not conclusive (or they tend to prove what you want them to!)

my friend is def an arranger... i will text her now just to say 'hi' cos it has been ages!

see i can always trust mumsnet to put me back on the path when i've lost my way.

I know that with my best friend (we're 33 have been friends since we were 4) that she is busy. She has a teenager, a 4 year old and new baby at Christmas.....i doubt if she has time to think let alone phone me.

I thought to myself this week....if i just don't bother and keep waiting then all i am doing is cutting my nose off to spite my face. And i will end up like my mum who hasn't got a single friend and spends all day every day at home just waiting for dad to get in from work, and quite frankly she is one of the most miserable and bitter people i know.

Thinking about it i can remember when and why i started making the effort to call friends regularly and it's made me realise how silly i've been

The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

Make that call.