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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH doesn't want to socialise with other familes ever.....I am at my wits end

42 replies

saintpeta · 18/03/2009 13:42

At first when I met him I didn't know anything about it but now after 6 years it hasn't improved - he says he's not interested in being with my old friends and their families for gatherings. Its driving me mad and limits us. I end up doing everything myself with other families. He can't even grin and bear it for my sake either and thats worrying too. I don't think I could have a relationship where we don't meet other people and it can't be good for our kids to never go out socially with other families.....wondering whether I can live with this but the more I think about it this "phobia" as I have come to see it (i'm not an expert) its driving a wedge and its stalemate all the time. Any suggestions on what I can do to make it work -short of saying it's over - as its affecting our relationship alot.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 18/03/2009 22:33

SHytalk: I was being a bit flippant, could have said 'strategic migraine/ingrown toenail/bad horoscope' ie that the bloke is making an excuse.

ShyTalk · 18/03/2009 22:55

The unsociability is actually terror. The unsociable DH/DS (usually male) is literally frozen by fear at the prospect of the social occasion that we think is "just a family thing". It is something to do with the amygdala (part of the brain that deals with fear). In susceptible people, usually young boys (who grow into adult men), the fear response is enhanced beyond the normal leading to extreme anxiety and social phobia.

tigerdriver · 18/03/2009 23:04

can't they just be unsociable, and not terrified though? I know some people really do have social phobia, but some are just not very social? There are lots of people I don't really want to see, not that I'm frightened, just frightened of watching my life pass me by...There are lots I am very happy to see....

2rebecca · 18/03/2009 23:17

I don't think I agree. I'm not frightened of social occasions and my job is very people based. I just don't like going to social occasions much and get bored rather than stressed by them. Bloke and I have sporting hobbies and most weekends we go out somewhere, and even organise sporting events although our sporting interests vary so we often go different places and the kids go to whichever option they think sounds most fun, plus they have activities we have to fit around. We rarely "socialise" though, as in rarely go to dinner parties, parties, or the sort of occasions where you just chat and drink in a group. Bloke avoids work nights out as he hates them. We like quiet holidays where we are busy but not having to talk alot to other folk. I would hate to go on a cruise and have to socialise politely at a big table.
We see family members now and then (mine all live hours away) but wouldn't want family members endlessly popping in or expecting us to go round to dinner regularly.
We're not phobic, we're just a bit introverted and after busy weeks at work like to wind down and relax at weekends.
When I was a student my idea of relaxation was parties and a busy social life. Now it isn't.

ShyTalk · 18/03/2009 23:20

Yes, that could be so, but the issue was that some poor man couldn't go somewhere because he had an attack of the "shits". A poster suggested that it was "strategic". I just thought that it possibly wasn't strategic - the diarrhoea could be a physical response to fear of a situation with which he was uncomfortable.

Quattrocento · 18/03/2009 23:27

I don't blame him one bit

Agree that if he doesn't want to go and you do then surely the logical thing to do is for you to go and him to stay at home.

Can I just ask if you are staying at home right now? Because this might explain the difference in perspective.

solidgoldbrass · 19/03/2009 00:11

SHytalk: The OP didn't mention that her DH shits himself when he has to go anywhere. As I said, that was me being flippant because it's one of those fake 'excuses' people sometimes use - and yes, I am aware that some individuals do suffer from anxiety-related diarrhoea.
It's also true that some people have a genuine, serious social phobia and become really distressed if they have to mingle with a large group of people they don't know very well. Again, we don't know if this is actually the problem the OP's partner has, or if he is just grumpy and unsociable. But the point is that his behaviour is impinging on her, and he doesn't seem prepared to make any effort to compromise.

ShyTalk · 19/03/2009 00:41

Hi solidgold - yes, I take your point - it could be either/or/neither or a bit of all. I know his behaviour inhibits her and it appears that he doesn't seem to want to compromise. I just wanted to make the point that it may not be as simple as it appears and that sometimes, fake-sounding excuses may hide a genuine anxiety issue that warrants attention. It may be that he wants to compromise, but where there is genuine anxiety, he wouldn't talk about it, and he wouldn't ask for help. Anyway, 'tis late. Could we just agree that we both care, but that we need to agree to differ?

Original poster

saintpeta · 19/03/2009 14:42

Flibertygibet yes he is an excellent father and partner and the socilising is the onlypart that he cannot do and so I do wonder if I can live with this-since it is ony one thing..... If I live for another 30 years can I really put up with doing everything alone which involves the kids and others? I guess I will have to. Piscesmoon I see your point too the controlling nature its true. I love him to bits (and he me) so I really just need a coping strategy or him to get help! Tigerdriver and Shytalk you're just getting on with it but does it upset you? Doesn't it feel as if you are leading parallel lives? What about him missing out on the fun you are having with the kids? this is my other point it is not a good role model for my boys imo. But I love all your comments and so good to get other perspectives thank you again

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 19/03/2009 18:45

I wouldnt worry too much about the role model thing. My FIL has the social skills of a park bench - to the extent that he does not socialise at all and when he is forced to attend family things he sits there silently with a long face.

Both his adult sons are cheerful, friendly, popular and socialise normally.

KERALA1 · 19/03/2009 18:47

Also I wouldnt worry about him missing out on fun because to him its not fun I suppose. Must be very annoying for you. I would press on without him personally you can't change or be responsible for another adult's behaviour even if you are married to them.

piscesmoon · 19/03/2009 19:39

I don't think that it matters if you love each other, you just need to find a way that makes you both happy. I love skiing and DH has tried it but was miserable and he hates the cold so he now stays at home and I go with the DCs-it doesn't put any pressure on the marriage, he is at work and not 'wasting' his holiday and he is happy that we are enjoying it without him having to get involved.
I think that the answer is to find fun things that you like to do as a family but if you really want to do something sociable on your own or with DCs go for it. He will probably just be relieved that he doesn't have to join in.
I should think it is only a problem if either of you are resentful or you end up with separate lives.

irises · 20/03/2009 12:16

For us, we have way more fun together as a family than if we're with other people where you can't really relax and have to make small talk & always be bothered about whether they're happy.

To us, socialising is the garnish, the steak and chips is the family.

piscesmoon · 20/03/2009 13:28

Thats OK when you both feel the same, irises but not if you don't both feel the same way. I like a mix.

foxinsocks · 20/03/2009 13:39

I think it sounds a bit doolally. Has he never dropped the kids at school? Have you not made friends together since you've had kids (as I've found this has happened with us a lot).

Does he actually leave the house to go to work?

Also, you implied he's happy to meet his immediate family so it's obviously not a question of not meeting people but just not meeting people he doesn't want to.

I think there has to be some compromise here. I think just saying blanket 'I'm never going to do it' is a bit much.

On the otherhand, if you really do think it's a phobia, i.e. something like social phobia, might it be worth discussing whether he gets some help?

springdaffs · 20/03/2009 15:38

Do you think he might have asperger's syndromme mildly.
Does he find social interaction difficult
Does he like routine more than most or time keeping.
Does he have "obsessions"
Does he have difficulties with the more complex areas of social communication or does he take things very literally

cappy1 · 23/11/2009 22:18

Hi have just found this thread and it has made me feel really happy. This is because my dh and I have often argued about his dislike of socialising. He does make an effort once in a while but I would like to go out more often. It is great to see that other women just decide to go out themselves, say that it is not dh's thing and don't feel bad about it. Good that is what I am going to do!

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