Opinions wanted please

[RNW]

Hello,
I am after some honest opinions, as it has got to the point where my views and my husband's are at polar opposites, and we can't seem to find a way forwards.
We have been together for 10, mainly very happy years, and we have a 1 year old child, with another on the way. I stay at home and look after the baby, whilst he works hard in a job that he says he doesn't particularly enjoy. I obviously do all the housework, childcare, shopping, cooking etc during the day.
When he gets home from work he baths or feeds the baby and I do vice-versa, we both share settling her in the evening if she wakes, although I do the nights.
Our sticking point is the weekends. He feels that he deserves to have more time to relax, as he works hard all week, in a job that he doesn't enjoy, where as, although I work hard looking after the baby, it is a job that I enjoy, and that he would love to do. He hates Sunday nights and ideally would like to spend Sunday afternoons/evenings relaxing and having time to himself before the start of the week. He does always get time at the weekend to do his own thing.
I do get some time to myself-generally when I ask specifically, but he resents me doing anything on a Sunday night, as he hates Sundays and then doesn't want to have to sort the baby out for the whole night. I should add that he goes to karate once a week, so I put the baby to bed then, and also one night a week, I visit my family, so he gets a night off then too.
Basically he thinks that if he were allowed more free time at the weekend, that would solve his problems. He doesn't seem to understand that I feel resentful of how little initiative he takes to do stuff with the baby at the weekend in terms of feeding etc already. He seems to think weekends are for fun with her, but that's it.
It's stupid for us to fall out over something so little, when in the past we have such a good relationship. At the moment I am so resentful of him that I can hardly speak to him in a civil manner. Our evenings are spent either bickering, or in silence. It makes me feel sad, and quite frankly, I do worry about what it will be like when the new baby arrives too.
So opinions, do I let him have more free time than me, am being unreasonable expecting as much free time as him? I'm genuinely curious, and would welcome more views and opinions, in the hope that we can move forwards in our relationship, and not split up.
Thank you for reading the long ramble.

What would he ideally like to do on a Sunday afternoon/evening to relax? Can't the relaxing Sunday afternoon he is looking for include you and your 1 year old. A picnic in the park or a bbq in the garden.

I find it strange that your dh says that he would love to do your job of looking your dc, but them wants time to himself at the weekend.

Is there anyway he could change his job to do something he would enjoy more?

After your 2nd baby is born, would you consider working, maybe both of you could work part-time so that you both get to stay at home with the children for part of the week. Is this something that could work for you?

Thank you for your suggestions. I think his relaxing Sunday involves his own space-music, computer etc.
I think that he enjoys aspects of his job, but in many ways the lure of the baby is stronger than his enjoyment of it.
His job is such that he wouldn't be able to work part time, but part of me thinks perhaps I should consider letting him look after the children whilst I went to work full time, when they were a little older.
The funny thing is that I don't think he would enjoy it as much as he thinks, I think he would be bored. Perhaps I should suggest that he takes a week off work when baby number 2 is here as well, and that he looks after them all week by himself- he could then decide whether he did want to give up work to stay at home with them. I'm quite selfish really, I love looking after the baby all day and wouldn't really want to stop.

I think that when you are the person at work, especially in a job you don't enjoy it can seem that the SAHM has an easy life. I raised my eyebrows when you said 'I obviously do all the housework, childcare, shopping, cooking etc during the day. ' I don't see that as obvious at all. Your 'job' is to look after the baby, I presume you gave up a job and I presume you did that to look after the baby, not to do housework. Houshold stuff comes second and as far as I'm concerned should be shared. If your dh pitches in at the weekend and the general workload is shared between you ie. baby, housework, cooking then he is entitled to some time for himself, as are you. If however all the drudge work is considered to be your role then no, he isn't. In effect you are then working a 7 day week.

I think it would be good for all working parents to see what life is like being a SAHM. I was ill for a month when mine where little and dh had to be me, it taught him a lot and gave him great insight into my world. I recommend it, although not the being ill bit.

Could you go and visit your parents on a Sunday afternoon /evening ?

I think you need to break the whole Sunday is a problem , but I'm not exactly sure how you go about it.

Has he always been like this ? or could the arrival of a second baby be a bit of a milestone to him. Facing up to responsibilities etc ?

Are his parents around ? I just add this as I know DH struggled when his dad died and he realised that he was head of the family and all that.

You end with its silly to fall out over something so little, so with that attitude I'm sure nothing is unsurmountable. Good luck

I think your dh has unrealistic expectations if he thinks he can have time alone during the day while you mind your daughter.
Dh and I have our me time in the evenings or - don't know if this is an option - get one of the Grandparents to take ds out fo a while.
It sounds like his unhappiness at work is the main issue, but even having a peaceful afternoon is not going to sort that unfortunately. Is he looking into a change?
Also, when you have the 2 babies there is no chance of an afternoon off if any of my friends are anything to go by!
In answer to your question, if he gets free time, then so should you.

Thank you for your replies. I was debating whether changing the day I visit my parents is perhaps a part solution for the time being. I currently go on a Friday night, and return on the Saturday late morning. Perhaps I should stay over on the Sunday and return on the Monday morning instead.
I think he has found being the head of our little household, and being the main breadwinner a pressure, although it is something that we agree is important for us. He is a worrier, and I don't think this helps. His parents are around, and see the baby every week.

I completely understand. My husband has driven me bananas at week ends by wanting time to sleep, or be by himself after a hard week's work. This has gone on for years. We have 4 children. And, even now - though it's improved a bit as the children are now all primary school age - it's more the fun things rather than the hard grind he'll do.

What has helped us?
Well a baby sitter, early on a Sunday who puts the baby to bed. Then we can go out without the tea time, bath time, clear up resentment and exhaustion.
We also got a cleaner on a Sunday morning for a while in the house - that made a big difference. We would go to the park etc, and come back and the house was immaculate.
We also used a day nursery, one or two days a week which gave me my week end on a Monday or Tuesday, and allowed me to work a bit. Also the day nurseries are full of staff who are capable and only too keen to earn a bit of extra money babysitting - so they are ideal for doing the teatime, bath time bit occasionally.

The best bit of advice my mother ever gave me, was not to expect MY week end on a Saturday or Sunday, but to make a couple of days during the week much more to my needs - ease up on the housework, meet friends for lunch, do a course, read a book. Take your baby out to see things you'd like to see - art gallery? rather than the things children do.

With another baby on the way, things are not going to get easier in the short term, so I think you need all the help you can get to lighten your load so you don't resent your husband so much when he opts out. Believe me, it is not an easy time. I used to get cross that my husband brought in his mother to help him out when I went away - why couldn't he do it himself? After all, that was what I did - and everyday!!

I have found every now and then that big readjustments are required. Change your expectations of what's supposed to happen everyday, and then life gets easier. This is a hard time, but I would advise you to stick with it, rather than separate.

Thank you so much for your wise words Londonartemis. I feel so much better now for reading your advice. Exactly what I needed to hear. Funnily enough I feel like I will be able to let it go now.
I will use a couple of days in the week for my weekend, there are always lots of museums etc that I would like to visit.
We do very much love each other, we are just caught in a nasty rut of resentment, which we will work on climbing out of. If this is the worst challenge we'll ever face in our relationship, then we will be very lucky.