Worried and scared- very ,very long.

[acheybreakyheart]

Have name changed as DH knows my user name, and i really just need to get this on 'paper', so to speak.

I have been with DH 6 years, married for 2 ( in 2 weeks)
We have our ups and downs, we have a blazing rows. I always end up backing down, he never admits he is in the wrong about anything. We have 2 dcs, - ds was 5 months old when dh and i met, I have always admired how dh has taken him on, and ds knows no different. He is daddy. We have a dd together, who is 2and a half.

The dcs are very different, DD got her brothers dose of the terrible twos as well as her own, and now ds has started being rude and constantly whingey. It makes me very down. They are hard work. I never really wanted children, ds was an accident , but i wouldn't change that. I am not a 'natural' mother. i struggle. i work part time, and i need that as the only time I seem to et any appreciation, and chance to do something for me.

Anyway, long story, still quite long, but on Sunday ds was playing up. He is a fussy eater, and i discovered he had shoved his tea from the night before under the sofa
He had already been in trouble becuase he purposely dropped his breakfast so he didn't have to eat it. As i was telling him off for the latest discovery, DH came downstairs, and dragged ds up to his room. He then went out
Apparently, ds was to stay there til dh came back- 3 hours later , but i got him down to esat his tea about half an hour before dh came back. He went mad when he saw him. He went berserk at me- i had undermined him, (i didn't know when he was would be back, and ds had to eat). Also, if he wasn't going to follow through on his punishment (i.e do it and go out immediately) what signal does that send? That i have to pick up the pieces.we screamed at each other it was very ugly.
I said awful things to ds too, blaming him for why his daddy was shouting ast me
we didn't speak, i bathed the dcs, they went to bed. Then DH said we needed to speak. it just kicked off. i said an awful lot i shouldn't he said he was unhappy. He wants another baby.
I have told him i don't want anymore, and i find it so difficult to cope with the dcs as it is. he gets angry when i tell him i have had a sh*t day- i am the adult, i should just get on with it. I can't believe thinks adding another child to this would be good. he doesn't do anything he considers 'my' job, childcare, cleaning, getting up in the night with dcs. He seems to just want to keep me at home with kids in nappies forever. i am nearly 40- i want to get to a point where I am not constantly tired. Maybe i am being selfish, he made me feel like i was being unfair. A baby is what he wants to make him happy, even if it is not what i want. he has his hobbies, which he would not give up, so i would be at home with the baby he wants.

I told him it would not be with me. he was so patronising. Then i slapped him, and screamed that he could keep the dcs, have a divorce and find someone else

I was so angry. Ds heard all the shouting, and was worried. I felt sick. we haven't spoken since, he hates me iam sure, and he probably will leave me.

i know it doesn't sound like, but i really love him, I broke down at work, i haven't been able to stop crying.

I couldn't talk to him last night, as i knew i would just cry. I wrote everything i felt in an e-mail. I haven't sent it, but i texted him this morning saying i was sorry- i always have to break the ice-but it is not just me to blame, is it? He hasn't replied.

He has made me feel scared and very miserable. I feel i cannot really talk to anyone, I am at home today with dd, and a t5 dh and i have to go to ds's parents evening. i am dreading it. I look and feel terrible. If he left me, i wouldn't blame him, i am a terrible wife and mother. But I would be devastated.

i needed to write this down, I don't really expect advice. i am an idiot, and have managed to ruin one of the best things in my life.

You dont sound at all like an idiot, it sounds like you were both at boiling point.
Perhaps start by talking to ds about what went on? You sound so low, please talk to somone.

You haven't ruined the best thing in your life as your DH is not that, your children are. Be strong for them, and talk to your husband.

Poor you. You really need to take a step back and try to stop being so hard on yourself. It also sounds as though you need some additional support other than your husband and there is no shame in that.

I have one DD myself who is 20 months old and I work full time. My husband works full time. We do our best and love her to bits but it can be very tough and often we feel stretched. I think it is a terrible disservice that we do to each other as woman in this society by emphasizing that having children should be bliss and perfection all of the time (commercials, movies, etc.) not to mention having a pristine house as well. That can be a hard model to live up to. The truth is, some women find it easier than others, and all children are different. Different challenges for different people.

I would also suggest that you do more things to get support for yourself. Perhaps there are other MNetters who would know about women's/mother's groups in your area where your kids can play and you can talk to others who are in the same situation. Try to take one day/evening/hour a week where you can rest and recharge.

Also, I would suggest that you try and discuss parenting strategies with your husband so that you can get "on the same page" a little more. I know how stressed you must feel but I imagine that it must be frightening for your children to hear their parents rowing so angrilly at each other. They don't understand the complexity of adult emotions and often they will blame themsleves. Also, expecting a 2 year old to sit in their room for 3 hours may not be the best age-appropriate discipline tactic. Perhaps your DH needs to revise his expectations as well.

Finally, perhaps the time has come for you and your DH to consider some couples counselling? It sounds as though there is a lot of love there but that you are operating in different corners.

Good luck.

You've said it yourself: 'He has made me feel scared and miserable'.

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me as if he's a controlling bully - how can he expect you to have another baby 'for him'?? You clearly don't want one and it doesn't sound as if he makes any contribution towards looking after the ones you already have.

Yes it was wrong of you to yell at ds, but we all do things like that when we're stressed and at the end of our tethers. You should apologise to ds, but do NOT allow your DH to make you take all the blame for this situation.

thank you for reading. i don't feel great at the moment, i have been on ADs for 13 years, usually it keeps things level. The past week i have been feeling like an entire thunder cloud has descended.
we do need to talk. I have good friends at work (who all have grown up kids and have been through all this), and they have been very supportive.
I worry about Ds constantly, and the eating thing, i know is an attention thing - his naughtyfiesty sister takes up so much time. He knows it was not all because of him, but i am sorry he had to hear a lot of what was said.

Maybe it would also help you to put down in writing why you love him, if you do - it's hard to see from your post.

I think you'll get very one sided advice here if you don't do that!

Work have been great, actually. my boss made has made me take thurday off, as dd will be at nursery and ds at school. A few hours to myself might help me re-focus.

Sorry have I read this right. he wanted a 6 year old to be left in his room for 3 hours and wanted you to back him up in this while he swanned off elsewhere?

Sorry i disappeared, had to pick ds from scholl and take them to my mumsso i could go to the parents evening. Dh came home early for this and we had a talk- prob not the best timing, as i then turned up at school at bit of a wreck. We got a lot out in the open. i know my op was one sided, i was really upset when i wrote it, and just wanted to get it all down.
We have been through a lot over the last few years, mainly issues with my family, and he has been my absolute rock through things that i never ever expected to experience. We both know that things aren't great, dh's job changed last year, went from a rolling shift pattern to monday to friday- we really underestimated the difference that would make to us. We used to get at least one day a week when our days off overlapped, child free, to just spend time together. We don't get that, and i have become increasing resentful of being with the children seemingly constantly.
We are going to look in to some for of counselling, i think. We need to make more time to talk without things always getting out of hand.
Thanks for reading, i really didn't expect a reply. i feel much more positive today, and hope we can start to sort things out.
And ds had a fantastic report at his parents evening, so I made sure i spoilt him rotten when he came back from his gran's (a treat enough in itself)!

How's it going achy?

Have only just read your post and just wanted to wish you the best and also say, don't underestimate the effect your DH's job change had had.

My DH used to work 7-7.30 on a rolling shift pattern, plus 3 late nights and 3 afternoons overtime (not to mention his social life).

Last September he started a new job and now does roughly 7-4 Monday to Friday. At the same time for various reasons his social life took a bit of a nosedive.

I also went from working 3 days a week to being a SAHM, due to redundancy.

We now have the opposite problem to you in that we are both used to getting our own space and that has been massively depleted. On the whole our new lifestyle is definitely a positive thing, but it has still taken a lot of adjusting too and continues to get on top of me especially from time to time.