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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP leaves most of the calling up to me - fed up!!

25 replies

songstress · 17/03/2009 10:52

Am very much in love with DP of a year but am finding the fact that we live 4 hours apart more and more painful. I don't doubt his love for me and he's told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We see eachother every fortnight but hopefully he'll be moving in with me within the next year or so (would be sooner but we currently have dependent children).

To make up for the lack of physical contact, I feel communication is very important. In an ideal world we'd exchange a daily text and then have a quick phone call (no more than 30 mins) in the evening. He's fine with this but leaves most of the initiating up to me. He'll always respond to texts and seems genuinely happy when I call (often I can't get him off the phone) but I'm beginning to feel resentful that I'm the one who does most of the initiating. He says things like "I was staring at the phone willing you to ring and you did!", which is all well and good but if he wants to talk to me so much, why doesn't he call me first? And I feel that sending a one-line text is not asking much of anyone, even if they are busy, which I know he is.

When we're together he's very attentive so I keep trying to tell myself it's not that important. But it's not working and the issue just won't go away. I've told him quite a few times how much I love it when he contacts me and how important it is because we spend so little time together so it's going to feel like nagging if I do it again. Maybe it's my problem and I need therapy (!) or do I just stop initiating contact and see what happens? But that would seem like game-playing and even if he did contact me eventually (which I don't doubt) we'd inevitably go back to the same pattern. Actually having re-read this, this all seems so silly but I'm often in tears in the evenings because I miss him so much and wish he'd call.

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NormaLeighLucid · 17/03/2009 10:54

Just ask him if he will call you for a change, dont drop hints or hope , just ask.
He probably just doesnt even give it a thought.

Pawslikepaddington · 17/03/2009 10:57

He's a man-men do this for some reason. Try ending your call with "ok, call me tomorrow" or something, and then if he doesn't send him a text before you go to sleep saying that you hope everything is ok, and are looking forward to him calling you tomorrow. He needs to be told to call you!

songstress · 17/03/2009 11:17

If I have to tell him (again) doesn't it make me sound needy? I'd do anything to avoid coming over clingy!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/03/2009 11:46

songstress have been thru this and it's horrid
try and keep yourself occupied properly and sit tight and see if he initiates the contact just once
and yes i know its bloody hard but he needs to realise end of
i don't think it's playing games it might make him realise that you do have other things going on in your life besides him

songstress · 17/03/2009 11:56

Sit tight, me! Well I suppose I can try - will mean putting my mobile in another room and turning ringer off on landline. And when I check at bedtime to see if he's rung and he hasn't, I'll be beside myself! Any tips on how to be strong?

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EightiesChick · 17/03/2009 11:58

When he does the 'I was just willing you to call' thing, have you tried saying 'Oh, why didn't you ring me then?' not in a narky way, but as a genuine enquiry. It would be worth finding outhow he'd respond.

The thing is, there's probably no real reason, just you have established a routine now where you call him and so he probably just expects it. There are 2 options: either say openly 'I always ring you and it feels a bit odd, so maybe we could take turns and ring alternate nights?' or follow the advice above about waiting it out. I don't see how asking to share the ringing is excessively clingy, especially if he's enthusiastic about speaking to you when you are on the phone together.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/03/2009 12:00

oh god feel for you here
its horrible feeling like this
just keep busy and keep mobile out of sight and reach
without wanting to sound cynical here i had an LDR that went this way
if he wants to get in touch he will,he may not feel the need for daily contact
its best to remember that men communicate very differently to women

BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 12:05

I went through a patch like this when DH and I were dating. It killed me, so I knocked it on the head by letting three of his calls go to voicemail! He has never been crap at calling since.

Worth bearing in mind though, that this is who he is. He's just not a big caller. Are you going to be happy with this long-term?

Good luck! Post on here and we will help you through it!

I do think it's effective as men take our ACTIONS far more seriously than our words. at the moment you are telling him, "Please call me more often but, if you don't, i'll just call you." The message needs to be more like: "Songstress is so busy, I need to call her if I'm ever going to speak to her."

aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/03/2009 12:10

lol at beautiful
songstress it's the only way
and yes leave it go to voicemail too,he will sit up and take note then

songstress · 17/03/2009 12:33

Great stuff girls, thanks. Perhaps I'll try and start tonight - would love to have the will to let any potential calls go through to voicemail!

Anyway Mistresses is on so definitely won't be thinking about calling him then!

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 17/03/2009 12:35

cool
keep strong
and yes a voicemail or two should get the message across
resist the urge to answer
and just think you'll have the bonus of being able to listen to it whenever you like

BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 12:40

He might not call tonight. Don't get yourself all revved up to be a steel-balled woman of self-discipline all evening! It's more likely to be tomorrow if he doesn't hear from you tonight.

The important thing is to be very light-hearted when he does eventually get through to you. He will be all, "Why didn't you ring me?" DO NOT SAY ANYTHING MEANINGFUL TO THAT QUESTION. Just really brush it off with something cheerful-sounding and forgettable like, "Oh, um, I really don't know! Anyway, how are you?" etc.

don't say anything like "I wanted you to know how it feels". or "I've decided to ring you less often." Those will backfire and he'll feel like you're manipulating him.

The idea is for you to be so genuinely busy or involved with other things/people, that you don't long to hear from him. That will make him long to hear from you.

songstress · 17/03/2009 12:52

Great advice! Can I post tomorrow and let you know how I got on - it might help me to be strong! It's funny, I am genuinely involved and busy (apart from watching Mistresses that is!) but my longing to hear from him takes over. Probably not very healthy at all....

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BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 12:59

You HAVE to post tomorrow! tonight even! I am invested now and need to know what happens.

Note: it is NOT unhealthy to want regularly to hear from a man who swears he's planning to spend the rest of his life with you. You do not need therapy. You are not codependent, clingy, or any other word with which you have no doubt labelled yourself in a low, phone-gazing moment.

Let's turn this around to him. You are lovely and normal and chatty and sweet. He is someone who relies on the "staring at the phone willing it to ring" method of making contact. Is that normal? Are you dating Derren Brown?

I hate it when bloody men make us call ourselves needy, etc, simply for needing a VERY basic level of communication.

Grrr.

BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 13:02

Another thought: you are only this desperate (for want of a better word) for him to call you because he's not calling you. It's the law of unreliable returns, or something. If he were calling you day and night, you'd be a LOT less worried about it and would no doubt let him go to voicemail regularly, safe in the knowledge that he'd ring back.

At the moment, you don't know if/when you'll hear from him, which makes you all the more keen.

songstress · 17/03/2009 13:25

How wise you are Beautiful - and the Derren Brown bit made me really laugh! He goes on about us having a "spiritual connection" and what I should be saying is I'd like us to have an actual verbal connection!

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BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 13:42

Hmm, OK. How many practical plans does Mr Spiritual have in place for your future? Do you know when you'll move in together, and how that will work? Will he sell his place, or you? How is that going to happen? Etc etc.

Are you sure (in your heart) that you are not with a wishy-washy romantic type who says all the right things but actually does very little?

would you feel comfortable initiating a conversation (face to face) about what he is planning for the pair of you? Would you feel scared that it would be too crowding, or do you feel that he would welcome the chance to finalise the arrangements and get the ball rolling?

Why can't you live together now? because it would uproot the children from their schools...?

songstress · 17/03/2009 14:40

How perceptive you are Beautiful - he's a great talker (and yes, a romantic away with the fairies Irishman) and although he's very decent and kind etc, he's not very practical at all (despite the fact that he's a builder). His plans seem to change from one day to the next, whereas I'm very focussed. I trust him but have little faith in his ability to make things happen and in fact he often asks me to help with his finances etc.

The reason we can't live together now is that his 18 year old son is still living with him. The boy also lives with his mother though, who is a few miles up the road and he could conceivably go and live with her full-time. His ex-wife moved his kids 200 miles away when they divorced and he spent the next 10 years doing a 400 mile round trip every weekend to see them. He decided 3 years ago that he should live near the children so that they'd have spent at least the latter part of their childhood living partly with him. The girl is 20 and away at uni and the boy will hopefully be going to college in Sept and make independent living arrangements. But this is in no way certain and I get a sinking feeling when I think about it - do you think I should suggest that we need to make some sort of decision about when we're going to be together - he just keeps saying please wait for me it's going to be soon.

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songstress · 17/03/2009 14:42

Oh yes, I have a DD of 9 and don't want to uproot her from her dad who lives locally, other family and friends.

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BEAUTlFUL · 17/03/2009 14:58

I think you have to decide what you want and need. Don't talk yourself out of wanting things! Yes, I think you should ask him - non-confrontationally - when and how he sees you living together. If it's more than a year away, I'd be put off by that. it'd be nice to know that he's finding the distance as unbearable as you are.

songstress · 18/03/2009 10:33

Just a quick update - by a supreme effort of will I managed not to contact him last night. And he texted me at 11pm to ask me how I was. So that's a step in the right direction. Hope I can keep it up!

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Grammaticus · 18/03/2009 10:43

Of course you can! Stick with it

aseriouslyblondemoment · 18/03/2009 11:11

brilliant news!
i know how hard it was for you too

BEAUTlFUL · 18/03/2009 12:58

YAY! There you go.

Did you reply?

songstress · 18/03/2009 13:35

Yes, couldn't resist, must try harder

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