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Feelings for ex (a bit long - sorry)

14 replies

Iamconfused · 11/04/2003 11:10

I am feeling really mixed-up and concerned about my emotions and wondered if anyone else has ever felt like this.

I am VERY happily married to a man who is kind, considerate, helpful, caring, sexy - basically everything I could ask for. However, for as long as I have known him I have always had really vivid dreams about getting back together with one of my ex's. He was the only other man I was IN LOVE with. Other boyfriends were merely to pass the time in comparison. He was also the first person I ever loved even though he treated me appallingly and eventually unceremoniously dumped me, but I was infatuated.

Anyhow, just recently an old mutual friend sent me a letter and enclosed some photo's of me and my ex that I hadn't seen before as she thought I might like to have them for sentimental reasons. Well as soon as I saw him my heart was pounding and I felt all weak. And I haven't stopped thinking about him since.

It's just ridiculous because he was a complete b***d and my dh is totally wonderful, so why these feelings? Is it normal? And how can I stop it? If I discovered my dh was thinking about an ex and had photos of her I would be mortified. PLEASE HELP!!

OP posts:

mum2toby · 11/04/2003 11:28

Can't really offer much advice, but as long as it is just thoughts and you do still love your DH then I can't see the harm in it. Do you still see your ex?? Coz then it could get complicated!!

I think it could also be the lust of wanting what you can't have. You once loved this man, I presume he was your first love. I still hold a wee torch for my first love too.

What is it about us women that attracts us to bstrds!!??


Iamconfused · 11/04/2003 11:58

No - I don't, I haven't seen him for years, and I don't think I am ever likely to, if I wanted to track him down I suppose I could - but I am NOT going down that road!!!!!

It's just like that song I think 'you were my first love - and first love never ever dies' - with a bit of animal lust thrown in for good measure!!!

As for the being attracted to b***ds - I just wish I knew, but 'nice' guys just never did anything for me - awful huh?!!

OP posts:

mum2toby · 11/04/2003 12:07

I don't know if you read the thread I started about my friend who has ended her marriage after 7 mths, but her dh was a bad boy..... drinking, fighting, arrests, etc.... just an unsavoury character. And she chased and chased and chased him!! Well she got him, they settled down, had a huge wedding and he changed his whole world for her and put his past behind him! He turned into a really nice man, who treated her well and supported her throughout her teacher training.................... she got bored and dumped him! WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice guys don't make the earth move for me either, but if you can find a healthy mixture of nice and firey then you've got it sussed!


Iamconfused · 11/04/2003 12:34

Thankfully, that is what I have found in my dh. he doesn't take any sh*t, but is there for you when it really matters. What more could I ask for? Thanks MumtoToby, I think you have helped me solve my own dilemma!!!!

OP posts:

mum2toby · 11/04/2003 12:36

He sounds wonderful!


Meanmum · 11/04/2003 12:47

I hold a torch for my first love too. I still see him, although not often as he lives on the other side of the world. I wouldn't ever do anything about it as I know in reality what I have I couldn't beat.

I always assumed women (generalising quite largely here) held a torch for their first love and that part of the reason is that this is our safety net. I like to think that if I was ever alone and didn't want to be I could have him back.

This is so far from the truth it's not funny as he gets married in a month and it would just never work between us but I figure it is just one of a number of fantasies.

I think of him only in times when I'm so miserable and life is so sh**y that it helps to look back on those days when I was young, carefree and without any responsibility. Of course I'm sensible enough to realise that even then life had shitty days but you only remember the good and not the bad of times past.

I don't see an issue with how you're feeling as long as you are honest with yourself about the situation. There's nothing wrong with having fantasies just put him in that category with the others you have. Brad Pitt's and Bruce Willis are there for me.

Thinking doesn't harm your dh and only you need to know what you are thinking. I personally struggle with fantasising when I'm with dh as I seem to have this blocker and think it's cheating on him. I know it's not, that it's completely natural and normal but can't seem to get over it somehow. Oh well. To make myself feel better I tend to fantasise during the day as then it doesn't seem quite so bad.

Boy am I warped. Far too much info for you all too.

Hope it helps in some way though.


Iamconfused · 11/04/2003 13:40

meanmum - it is good to know I am not the only woman in the world who has these thoughts. I was beginning to think I was, as when I had tentatively brought the subject up with friends, they have looked at me as if I am warped or something!! As you say, I will have to try and put him in the same category as other people I kinda fancy - however, it's a bit different as I have never actually had sex with Keifer Sutherland!!!

MumtoToby - Thanks - he is!!

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Meanmum · 15/04/2003 10:01

Ahhh - Keifer Sutherland. It's not whether you have or haven't it's how it would be if you did!!!! That's what makes a great fantasy.

FYI - I've just heard from an old flame. Not my first love but a guy who I got on exceptionally well with. Good news is he is now in a strong relationship with a small child. Luckily for us we have the sort of friendship where we will be able to catch up with partners and children but also probably still have a small flirt which will be entirely platonic. It's always nice to know you have someone besides your partner who makes you feel special/worthy.


tallulah · 15/04/2003 11:29

I was really pleased to read this thread because I'm in exactly the same situation. Had lots of boyfriends in my teens but 3 main ones. Can't seem to get any of them out of my head, particularly first lover.

same story as rest of you- complete bsd, treated me really badly, yet he's always there, at the back of my mind & the most stupid things make me think of him. we went out when I was 17, for less than a year, & that was 23 years ago! I'm mad!

The other 2, one was first love & we didn't lose contact until about 18 years ago, when after years of keep turning up out of the blue and writing to me he suddenly cut off all contact, and yes, I would like to see him again.

The other, we've kept in contact & still send regular text messages. he came to my wedding & to DS2's christening, & I stayed at his flat (with DHs knowledge) about 7 years ago when I went "home" for a school reunion. DH doesn't see him as a threat ("it's only G.." unless he's having a funny 5 minutes.

The main one though, that's another story. Taboo subject in our house (so my mother talked about him on her last visit- she hated him too- that went down well!)

confused, have you gone as far as to conatct your ex? I'm wondering whether seeing mine as a fat balding 40 year old might lay the ghost, as it were.


IAmConfused · 15/04/2003 16:50

Tallulah - must admit it has crossed my mind to try and see him again, as like you say, he could be balding and toothless now for all I know and that could be an end to it, but I am scared he will still be tall, brooding, dark and handsome. And knowing him, now that I am married he would see it as some sort of challenge and I really don't want that kind of pressure IYKWIM!!!

OP posts:

beetroot · 15/04/2003 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jasper · 15/04/2003 21:39

My first boyfriend is now bald with a missing front tooth


moira43 · 03/05/2003 18:08

My first love is coming to a meeting in Scotland from Boston.We have been in touch for 23 years and I haven't seen him in 20Yrs.He has never married.I am reasonably happily married with2 dds,but I can't stop the excited feelings I am getting about seeing him again.He came from Germany and due to our circumstances couldn't be together.I have allhis letters and he sends me a birthday card every year.I can't wait to see him again although it will be as friends.It doesn't matter if he's fat and balding but I hope he's not!We recently exchanged email addresses and I am having to stop myself from talking to him all the time. Is this crazy?


Chinchilla · 03/05/2003 19:29

Moira - of course it is not crazy. However, if you haven't seen him for 20 years, then be prepared to be disappointed! If he is still your type, then it will come as a bonus. If he is now ugly, fat, bald and stinking of BO, then at least you won't be disappointed

Seriously, this is a long time to have these feelings. You say that you are 'reasonably' happily married, but is he the cause? Would you be very happy if he had left your mind 23 years ago? Perhaps you need to think this through really carefully before seeing him, or your feelings might run away with you. I know from experience that old feelings that don't die never allow you to let the current man in your life play as big a part as he should

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