new baby and living with parents

[jo82]

i was having a "fling" with a guy at uni (where i was in my 2nd year of an english degree, we broke up for summer, both live at opposite ends of the country so that was it....

....oh no!!! as i was preparing to go back for my final year, i discover that i was 5 months pregnant. to cut a long story short, ex wasnt really interested, and in complete denial until he got a call from my dad when ds was 3 days old. then decided to tell his parents who are great, although hes "still not sure how he feels about being a father"!!!

anyway, i obviously couldnt go back to uni last year and had no other option than to stay with my parents and two younger siblings.

im sure that i couldnt have coped living on my own and looking after ds but hes 3 months now and im not sure if i can cope living at here anymore. mum and dad have been great but now, they constantly interfere, especially mum, and check up on me to make sure im doing what i should. everytime ds crys, mum goes to him, she makes up his feeds before i get the chance to and even tidys my room for me!!

i have lived on my own since i was 16 and am finding this lack of independence really difficult. i cant afford to move out, and having problems arranging getting back to uni. does anybody have any suggestions or experience that might help??

jo82 I had a friend who was in a similar position. She went on benefits for a while and moved out after her baby was born. It might be worth talking to your benefits office.

Alternatively (or as well). I would contact your uni again. They should have accomodation for mothers and children and if you want to go back next year you will probably have to book a creche space now- and get on the accomodation waiting list! Is there a group for student mothers there? Maybe you could contact them and see what they do?

I would spend some time finding out what you are entitled to and talking to the uni. Then you can weigh up the pros and cons.

I lived with my mum and dad for a few months after ds2 was born (with dh- we were inbetween houses). I enjoyed the rest (!!??) but we were in the process of house buying so we knew it was for a limited time. It was quite odd. As I was 31 and had left home at 18 my mum didn't take over though.

jo82, I lived with my mum for a few months with my new baby too as dh lived/worked in a different city and while I can see where you're coming from it is an incredibly brilliant thing that you have such fantastic support around you. Two ideas :
Can you still use this support but maybe have a little word with your mum about how you feel you would like to be more responsible for your ds and could she 'stand back' just a little (let you go to him when he crys and you make his feeds etc). I bet if you explain she will understand.

Then - you only have one year to go in Uni and if you could manage to get back in and get it over with/look for a job etc (while still living at home) then in one or two years time I can see you set-up with a new job and probably being able to afford a flat and maybe your family still helping with childcare.

Ok - maybe i'm totally wrong here but I wouldn't rush into moving out just yet until you have some stability financially. Use the support - And try to work from within to change the aspects of it that bother you.

Hope this is of some use.

Good luck

Hi jo82
thinking of you! I lived at home with my folks for just a couple of months after the birth out of choice (which prob makes a difference) and in many ways it was great having my mum to lean on for support and help looking after my new little bundle. But at times I just wanted to do things 'my own way' with my 'own baby'.

my bet is that your mum still hasn't really let go of you as her little girl either, esp if it's only a few years since you moved out. But now you're both mothers I'm sure that if you just have a really gentle chat with her about how you'd like a bit of space to do stuff your own way etc that she'll back off and give you the space you need.

Have you got any financial support coming in from your ex? Even if he's in denial that shouldn't stop the pay checks flowing.

I feel for you, as you seem to be experiencing everything I'm worried about right now; I'm due in July and will be moving in with my mother, little brother and 2 dogs for the foreseeable future! I've thought about what to do in your situation and whichever way you look at it, being open with your parents about how you're feeling will surely help. You don't have to shut them out, but it's only fair that they understand how precious this early time is for you with your son, and how important it is for your own sense of worth that you retain some semblance of independence, despite your current living arrangements.

If you're not totally opposed to the idea of living in coucil accomodation, why don't you look into this as a means of moving out? Single parents get priority on housing lists, especially when they are effectively confined to the use of one room, or when family relationships have become problematic. There are loads of decent places out there and I know a few people (single mums and married couples) who have used council housing as a stepping stone towards eventually being able to move on and buy a place of their own.

Of course if you've only got a year left of your degree then it's definitely worth going back, if you can, to finish. I'd advise having a word with your old tutor/director of studies about the possibilty; all unis have creche facilities these days and most can help with accomodation for students with kids, but you have to get in there early as there's always a waiting list. Alternatively you could finish your course somewhere nearer to home (if your university wasn't) as you'll get credits for the 2 yrs you've already done. Then there's the options of going part time or finishing off by correspondence (perhaps the OU?). If your mum doesn't work and enjoys looking after your son so much, perhaps this would be a fair compromise: that she help out with his care while you complete your degree.

In the first instance though I'd definitely advise having a sit-down chat with your parents. I'm sure they think they're doing everything possible to be helpful, your mum especially can probably remember the repetition and drudgery involved in all those new baby chores such as keeping things tidy and making feeds. And I bet they'd rather be told to back off a little than to think that you were feeling you're missing out.

Good luck with this one.

thanks everyone, me and mum had a big chat over a bottle of wine last night. there were lots of tears and complete honesty about how i miss my old life (although i wouldnt be without ds now) and i think thatt things are finally getting on track.

am in the process of applying to a local uni to finish my degree who, ive discovered, have single parent flats and a creche, lets just hope i get in now!!

brilliant jo. Moving to your local uni sounds a good idea as your Mum would still be around to help even after you've moved out. Good luck!!

Good luck jo82.Really hope it all works out for you!