it's my birthday today, and I am so mad at DH (sorry, long and self-indulgent)

[ItsMyPartyAndICryIfIWantTo]

Hi all, i have namechanged for he occasion.

for weeks, maybe months now, i have been struggling with an intense resentment towards DH, which has now mutated into full blown, barely suppressed, continuing anger. Basically, i am mad at him for the zero contribution he makes to making our life better and more enjoyable, he never takes initiatives, he never brings anything fun or nice or different to our life- like a bottle of wine or a cake or an idea for an outing or a holiday or a new cd or a movie or anything like that. he just goes through the motions, and I have had enough of always organising and being the engine of all the fun and the activity and the enjoyment in our life, both as a family and as a couple. we have two young children who make our life tiring but full, ok so we are sleep deprived but big deal, so are half our friends...

today i feel things have reached a tipping point. i am still ridiculously mad at him for not having given me the opportunity of a lie-in yesterday morning, he never does, always fast asleep when the kids wake up, and at weekends he regularly gets an hour to an hour and a half extra in bed while i do breakfast, dressing them etc. normally i can just about live with this- i tell myself that if he has a bit more sleep he'll be less snappy and tired during the day therefore better company all round- but yesterday it was really a bit of a blow. i brought it up in the afternoon and he seemed genuinely bemused that i was expecting this. in fact this is his mantra, that i have unreasonable and unspoken expectations of him and that i set him up for failure all the time.

well today is my actual birthday, i am off work, he did say happy birthday this morning but that's it, no card, no present, no flowers, nothing. ok so perhaps it'll all come tonight, but i doubt it. and i don't think that's anunreasonable expectation, or AIBU?

so i am facing a number of dilemmas. the big one is, how do i snap out of this cycle of anger and resentment and passive-aggressive behaviour (his words), so that we can restore a happy and healthy couple and family life. I do love him and i know he loves me, but right now the daily grind is simply too much and i can't see past my anger and disillusionment.

but the immediate one is- what do i do tonight? do i wait for him to do something- bring a cake or soemthing- knowing that with 90% prob he wont', so i'll be angry, and then we'll fight, and then i'll be more miserable than ever; or do i go ahead and buy myself a cake, and a nice bottle of wine, and ingredients for some nice dinner and i set out my own little celebration tonight? it IS sad, but perhaps less sad than the alternative.

gosh i sound so self-pitying and self-indulgent in my post, i am sorry, i know it's all small stuff, but it's really getting to me so much.... thanks if you read it so far.

Well, Happy Birthday ItsMyParty, many happy returns! I would certainly start today off by treating yourself - go buy the cake! If you get a second cake later....well, that's hardly a problem is it? Make the most of your morning. Someone wise will be along shortly with better advice for the rest of the post than I can provide!

Happy Birthday
I would spend the day pampering yourself, ring your closest bestest friends , get them to come over with wine and cake and their kids if it's a kids day
make sure you have a fab day
If he turns up tonight with nothing
don't have a row tonight

leave it until tomorrow
then tell him exactly ho you feel
doing nothing for your birthday is not on

Happy birthday!!
I know how horrible it is having lots of tension and unresolved resentment...it eats you away and speaking about it is a good first step. It sounds as if your dp may have many "faults" in your eyes, but sometimes people just get lazy if they are allowed to - without realising the consequences.
Yes, it is disappointing when men don't always live up to our expectations, but personally, I think this is where you have to set your stall out - really clearly!!
At first, telling him, "Right. Tommorow morning or next weekend, I am going to be having a lie in in the morning and you need to get up with the children", or "Tonight, why don't you pick up a bottle of wine and desert or a suprise for the children. Please. It will be nicer if it comes from you rather than always from me. Thanks".
I know there's still the disappointment that you have to go to the effort of TELLing him, rather than him doing it spontaneously.....
However, in the long run you will start to get a sense of control back and get out of 'victim' mode. (I've been there and it isn't healty!!)
Plus, with a few well organised lie-ins and 'staged' treats, you'll feel better and - who knows - he might start to get the habit!!!
As for tonight. It's your birthday. Your special day and I would go out and get everything needed to make yourself feel good. Then whatever he brings home is a bonus.
It might give you the moral uppper-hand to leave it to him and then berrate him for not doing it - but it will make you feel wretched.
If he's a good dp in other respects, then its worth trying a different tack. hth. xx

Happy Birthday.
I would do some nice things for yourself today.
Tomorrow I would think about whether this is the sort of life you want to live. Your DH sounds either clueless or selfish. Would writing a letter to him get him to understand things from your point of view ?

Happy Birthday.

If you are pretty certain he will not arrange anything tonight,is it possible to go out for a meal with friends? If not, would certainly go out and treat myself today.

Agree with others - tomorrow think about want you want in the future

And re the lie ins at the weekend - you need to agree that one of the days its his turn - let him decide which day he would like to do - even if it necessitates kicking him out of bed as he doesn't wake up quickly enough - its his turn (speaks from experience!!!). Then turn over and go back to sleep.

yes if yuo are 100% sure nothing will be happeing tonight I woud organise going out with mates and just tell him he's babysitting when he comes home

Itsmyparty, I know just how you feel. My DH has been exactly the same for more than 20 years. I should have known what to expect when for my first birthday together he brought me a toothbrush, unwrapped mind, because mine 'looked a bit ropey'.

Does his family ever celebrate anything, let alone birthdays? Up until two years ago his mum has sent him a card I'm pretty sure came from a job lot with greetings for the angler/golfer. He's never held a rod or club in his life. He hasn't had anything since 2006.
I have never once received a card or a present.

So if we learn everything at our parents' knees I'm not surprised he's like he is. He too will not contribute to planning holidays or parties, more than happy to partake though!

You're probably on a losing battle if you want to change him into a romantic, spontaneous gift buyer. For me it still rankles but I have learnt to live with it and now use DCs help by dropping, very large, hints around birthdays and Christmas, they have even taken him shopping. So my advice is start training up your DCs now

Can you not ask one your friends to ring him and ask him what have he has organised for tonight on the pretext that they are going to ring you to take you out but didn't want to upset his plans and checking to fit in with his plans or does his plans include the weekend or would he mind if his plans...
get the picture.
He will either get a wake up call and make some plans or you will be out with your friends tonight and he will do something on the weekend who knows, worth a try?
Do something for yourself if you feel you can't ask a friend just go out yourself with them anyway. Not with him of course.

You don't sound self-pitying or self-indulgent. The non-acknowledgement of your birthday is just shit - how hard is it to buy a birthday card, FFS? See if you can go out with a friend or two tonight - go and see a film on your own if you'd rather. Just make sure you're out and enjoying yourself, rather than in and having a row.

But it is all part of a much bigger picture - you need a long hard talk with him. Maybe write down your expectations - the lie-ins, the planning activities etc - and then discuss it rationally. And make sure it's two-sided - he must have his own expectations of how he'd like your relationship to be.

"in fact this is his mantra, that i have unreasonable and unspoken expectations of him and that i set him up for failure all the time."
and he sets you up for disappointment all the time

What does he expect on his birthday and what do you do, out of interest?

Don't wait for him to make you feel good. Buy your own cake and wine and if he doesn't turn up with the goods, don't give him ANY! In fact, don't mention it at all and if he starts trying to suck up about it, don't entertain it until tomorrow at the earliest.
This is YOUR day - don't let it be all about him and his shortcomings.

Happy birthday

oooh this has really struck a chord with me - DH has accused me of the same.

There is some truth in it in my case, I AM constantly disappointed because I have very high expectations.

But sometimes, like for your birthday (and mine!, and Xmas!) it is just SO hard.

Laurasmiles has some v. good advice there - but is hard to follow!

Happy Birthday!

I have to decide on where my priorities are - which is to ensure that we share child-care and lie ins etc on a reasonably equitable basis. It did mean that I recently firstly asked whether I could have a watch as a present for a special birthday - then, after the event, went and looked at various watches and got a short list - then took dh (and ds) to buy me it - probably about 6 wks after the relevant date. Things like this are out of the realms of realism. However, I can expect at least a nice bottle of wine to be brought on such occaisions - and often flowers. I do think that you need to ensure that your expectations are realistic to start with - then if they are not met, you are right to be - but sometimes you are also and when they do manage to exceed them - and that's really nice!

thanks everyone for the wishes and the wise words.

i have bought myself cupcakes, and dd1 (3) sang happy birthday dear mummy while i blew the candles she insisted i put on every one of them (there were 4 before you think i went all out!). it was lovely. tonight i have bought special food and am chilling some nice white wine.

i am less angry about today, but still disappointed about the turn our life has taken. i hope we can get out of this rut.

How are you doing today?

So what happened?? What did he do last night??

I hope that things got better for you yesterday evening, ItsMyParty, and that you did have something of a happy birthday at least.

Having read through this thread, I would agree with those who say that you need to be upfront and communicate with your dh, so that he knows what you are thinking and what you want from him. Yes, in an ideal world he would know that you want a lie-in, or some flowers and a card on your birthday, or the occasional little surprise, and you wouldn't have to tell him, but in reality, it is probably better to have to tell him what you want and script the odd 'spontaneous' gesture from him rather than wishing he'd do something and being upset when he doesn't do it.

Hopefully, in time, he'll learn the sort of social behaviour you are wanting from him, and you will have to remind him less. I don't want to sound patronising but in some ways it's like teaching a child to say please and thank-you, or to cover their mouth with their hand when they cough - unless you tell them that that's what's expected, they can't know, and they aren't going to remember after just one telling - you need to remind them, and to reward the desired behaviour when it happens. Dhes are just the same.

He sounds like my dh in some ways - my dh likes things clear and simple, he's not good with subtext and unspoken expectations, nor is he good at reading my mood - but at least now I know that's what he's like so my expectations are realistic and I'm not disappointed as often.

I do hope that things get better for you soon, and I'd like to send you a belated birthday hug.

I know how you are feeling. My ex was like this and i have stayed with him 7 years missing all the fun (birthdays, new years eves, holidays..) I left him for this reason and i am so glad i did but i didnt have children with him, if you do then i quess this is more difficult for you.

I agree with the poster who said we learn from our families. My ex's family never celebrated anything, mine love having fun and celebrations.

Now, when you live with someone like this it is very easy to end up angry, 'nagging' all the time and even depressed (in my case).
I think the best thing to do is
a) tell him very directly that even if he doesn't enjoy it he should make the effort for you because it is NORMAL to crave some fun and celebration
b) in the mean time dont wait for him. Make sure you have a good network of friends. Some girlfriends to go out with and some couples to invite home for dinners, parties.

I found this very helpful when i was with ex. In the end i was just inviting other couples for dinner all the time.And if anything he could see that other 'normal' people like celebrating too and i am not bizare for wanting to celebrate birthdays.

Life is too short to put up with misery.

I hope you had a lovely evening yesterday