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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Intimacy.

14 replies

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:09

I can't be bothered to change my name...

the backstory.

DP has been very ill with a condition which has affected,amongst other things,his prostate.He is a relatively young man and we have a young family.

The results of his chronic condition has left him suffering with incontinence.We sleep apart as he is embarrased about this.He has lost his ability to work along with his health and is getting quite depressed.we have long spells apart while he is in hospital.

At the same time as all this our youngest has been dx with quite complex sn that has put a strain on the family.

I have tried talking to him about it all but he is very low.I think he feels rejected and we feel poles apart.I don't know what to do.I don't expect sex,as it is impossible atm,but just to get some physical contact of some sort as I feel there is a big gulf between us.Am I making sense??

What to do?

I would particularly appreciate SGB comments if around as she seems to talk a lot of sense on these threads

Thanks.

OP posts:

scrooged · 15/03/2009 23:11

Have you been to see the GP? It is a common side effect of prostate surgery as it affects the muscles. There are things that can be done.

Original poster

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:16

I have asked the urology ward to refer to a nurse specialist re continence.I think thisis a step forward,However,I feel a lot of it dps psychological state.I don't know how to broach things further.He is on a lot of steroids which have made him put on weight,and lots of painkillers.I think he is just feeling like crap atm.The prostate stuff is part of a bigger more complex picture WRT his condition.

OP posts:

scrooged · 15/03/2009 23:17

Is there a support group that you can both go to?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 15/03/2009 23:19

what is dh's diagnosis? is there a support group of some kind which can give you as well as him info and a way of sharing these problems...? it sounds hard for you both.

Original poster

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:21

It is finding the time!

DS is at school.

dd has SALT,PHYSIO,OT,and so on.

Dp sees about 4 different consultants.

I feel like often my time is taken up with being a carer and mother.I need to try to spend a bit more focus on rekindling our relationship in some way after dcs in bed.

Its a flippin nightmare.!

OP posts:

scrooged · 15/03/2009 23:23

Would it make him feel a bit better if he could help you IYKWIM?

Original poster

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:32

lOL.I hadn't considered that tbh,but he is exhausted by the evenings and would rather watch TV

It si more about kisses and cuddles I think.Anything else I think he would be scared/to stubborn to ask.

Its almost as if he is scared to ask.

I mean it is a frustration as his health has been bad for 2 years nigh on

( have invested in a rabbit)

But it isn't o much about me as about hIM.I want him to know that althoguh of course sex is important to any relationship,it isn't the be all and end all.

oH,life is a fecking arse sometimes!

OP posts:

scrooged · 15/03/2009 23:40

Communications the problem here I think. Why don't you suggest it. It may help his if he's feeling 'needed' so to speak. He doesn't have to use his willy to make you happy
Be bold. Take a little step and see what happens. Keep the channels of communication open, find a way of showing him you find him attractive and that there are things he can do to please you, even if things are not working too well down there. There are other things he can do there are ways you can be intimate back, a massage is always sensual.

Original poster

wrinklytum · 15/03/2009 23:45

I know.Men and their sodding bits,eh?

He is in hospital atm.Poor sod.

i must go to bed.Up at the crack of dawn with dcs and school and whatnot.

Thanks,Scrooged

OP posts:

scrooged · 15/03/2009 23:46

night. Try not to worry, remember to talk.

SausageRoleModel · 15/03/2009 23:47

can you share a bath? i dont mean that to be a flippant suggestion. Its a ay of being close and relaxed and naked and intimate but without the pressure for it to necesarily be anything ecept a bath. its where we have most of our best chats

solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2009 23:54

To be very blunt WT: when you say you sleep apart because of the incontinence, would nappies for him help? Or is it that he doesn't want to share a bed while he is wearing a nappy?

I wonder if the outsiders club might be able to offer you any help. They deal with sexual issues for people with disabilities and though most of their work involves helping people find partners they do have practical suggestions for those with difficulties having sex etc.
They might be able to suggest a support group or counselling service for you both as well - because a lot of mainstream medical types and/or counsellors won't deal with the specifics of sexual difficulties caused by health and disability issues.

Original poster

wrinklytum · 16/03/2009 00:15

Thanks,SGB.I think it is more the latter,though atm he is having to wear pads

I am hoping the urology nurse will be able to help somehow,and that he will regain some function with bladder training a bit like after childbirth.A lot of it is body image stuff

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2009 09:25

That's why I thought Outsiders might be of some use: they are very keen on reassuring people that it's OK to want sex, have sexual feelings etc when you have a physical (or mental) difficulties, and that you can be desirable and desired even if your body is different to other people's bodies, or to the way it used to be. People with continence issues or stoma patients often do suffer like this because they feel they can't possibly be attractive any more and get too embarrassed to talk to their doctors about it.

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