Is this a normal reaction from my in-laws, I'm so angry with them?

[mummytowillow]

Some of you may have read a previous post about my cheating husband!

I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 16 months (she's 19 months now), 6 days after I went to the docs he decided to 'take up' with a woman from work, I only found out because his mobile is in my name and he had literally sent her hundreds and hundreds of text, met her and apparently 'only kissed her'

He left me on boxing day (I didn't know about OW), leaving my parents very shocked and upset, he went to his parents and basically told them what a cow I'd been and they all felt sorry for him and saw me as the main offender.

I found out about OW two days later and he came back fully expecting to blame me for everything until I confronted him about OW! He admitted it and I made him phone his parents to tell them what he had done, he told them an adapted version of what had happened and to this day it has never been mentioned by them!! They don't phone our house anymore and if they do speak to me they ask how my PND is and completely ignore what he has done!

I feel so angry that they haven't asked how I am and how things are between us (its terrible by the way), they just skirt over the issue? They are quite willing to get completely and over involved in their other sons life but ignore ours?

So is this normal or should I tell them exactly what he has done and how I feel about it all? Or is that a really bad idea!!

Oh and he refuses to admit that he has had an affair as in his own words 'he hasn't f----d anyone', how the hell am I supposed to get my around that one, can you believe he actually thinks that!

Sorry I haven't read your other threads on this but I'm not sure exactly what it is you expect them to do. He is their son after all. Also it sounds like you've taken him back in which case, really, what do you expect them to do. Most likely in their eyes, you've 'forgiven' him and are getting on with life and its not really any of their business.

Chances are you'd be just as angry if they WERE mentioning it - you'd perhaps see it as them interfering. A no win situation for them really.

It would be different if it were YOUR parents ignoring the situation.

As for the second issue - do you actually have any evidence he has had sex with this OW? I'm not defending him or taking sides in any way, but thats a huge accusation. The texts etc would be betrayl enough for me and he needs to acknowledge that even that is an emotional affair and just as harmful as a physical affair. Until he does that, nothing will change and your relationship stands no chance of healing (if thats even what you want).

I expect they think that you both want to get over the past and concentrate on the future and are not mentioning it as they dont want to rub it in.
It seems like a normal reaction on their part to me.
Its your DH you really should be angry at and talking to, to try and resolve things if you can stay together and be happy again.

No advice but my heart goes out to you. you sound so sad and betrayed and not surprisingly. Their son has acted appallingly and they are probably embarassed and skirting around the issue because they feek uncomfortable.
I hope, whatever happens, you find a way around this and are happy again.

The best thing you can do is IGNORE them. I have decided to cut my ILs out of my life. H committed adultery recently and as far as they are concerned I need to get over it because it's only a little mistake. Plus apparently it was my fault for not making him happy - this is despite the fact that by his own admission his unhappiness was nothing to do with me or our marriage and everything to do with issues he inherited from his family.

At the end of the day, your ILs don't want to face up to the fact that one of their own is a spineless shit so they are projecting the shame. Yes, he's told them a sanitized version of the events but you presenting them with the facts is not necessarily going to change anything. You probably don't want them getting involved anyway. I've learned that my ILs are more interested in blaming me than admitting that they raised a son with a fucked up moral compass. Concentrate on you and forget about them. Hope you can work through your anger constructively.

Perhaps they are trying to not interfere?

As for getting your head around his declaration - is it acceptable for him to have had this secret affair whether or not he's f----d anyone? It's likely he's lying but even if he isn't, it's not a situation you can ignore. You may have decided to forgive him etc but that won't work if he doesn't 'get it' how much he's hurt you and how far out of line he's been.

Parents are wonderful about not seeing the bad in their children. They exhibit an almost childlike innocence about these things. Add to that the fact that your ex-h has had his whole life to learn how to play them and in a nutshell you can't compete with that.

Have you got caller ID - I would suggest you use it for a while as you aren't getting anything from these people that is useful to you.

Whether they are right or wrong is a non issue - they are not helpful to you right now. Find some people to talk to that understand.

Can totally understand - slightly different circumstances but similarly the in-laws gloss over it and stick their heads in the sand.

I have a reasonably good relationship with them and they see DS at least once a week. We never discuss what DH did and I suppose I accept that he's their DS and they will forgive him.

I had a nervous breakdown this time last year and all I faced from DH and the my MIL was exasperation over my decision and need to move 200 miles away from DH to be near my family. DH could could have come too but chose not to. I am sure my MIL thinks that I left her DS all alone but she never mentions it (apart from "DS would be better off growing up away from this area").

It's annoying and doesn't acknowledge your feelings at all but I would leave well alone. You feel betrayed and so you should but the reality is that he will be forgiven anything because he's their son. Just smile through gritted teeth and keep them in touch with their grand-daughter. You have the moral high ground here and they cannot say "she doesn't let us see DGD".

My H had an affair late last year all come to a head around NYE and he left and went to live with his parents. He left after a row and then like you I found out about the OW. I also have no doubt then when he 1st went there he told them how awful I had been and then when I confronted him he had to tell them the truth.

How much of the truth they got I dont know. We are still not together.

My in-laws dont phone and see how I am doing or ring to speak to the dcs. I have made sure ive made it clear to them they can visit them whenever they want and they still havent come round to see them. They wait till he has them for a overnight stay.

I also cant understand the way they are over all this but I guess they just dont want to get involved. Although I do think it wouldnt hurt to ring to see how we all are. They are also following the 'bury heads in the sand' thing as they havent told anyone that my dh is living with them or why.

Doesn't it make more sense to be angry at the man who cheated, rather than his parents for not ... well, what do you want them to do? Apologise on his behalf? Rant at you about how horrible his behaviour was? Surely that would be disloyal of them ...

he's been a dick, but i don't think his parents are doing anything wrong. they obviously feel it's not their place to initiate a conversation regarding their sons infidelity when you have taken him back. in fairness what good is it going to do for them to bring up the subject?

i think you are misdirecting your anger.he's been an absolute dick and he deserves your wrath, not them.

Maybe his parents are completely embarrased by the whole thing and dont want to bring it up.

If you want to trust your DH then you have to accept his word.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this at a time when your LO needs you. x

Its not right but yes I think it normal. My now ex husband left me for ow 3 weeks after ds2 born. He told his family so many lies about me, that I was a pyscho and impossible to live with and made out he was the victim. He also told them I had an affair, which was complete rubbish. They never even contacted me. Five years down the line they have still not ever contacted me and dont see the children at all, how sad is that. He then went on to marry the ow and had a baby to her and he then did exactly the same to her and told the same stories about her. You would think they would see a pattern but they also dont see his daughter to ow.
A friend of mine sadly had a stillborn a few years ago, a couple of months later her husband declared he couldnt cope with her crying and he walked out. She got zilch support of his parents. Infact they told her if she wanted her husband back she needed to get over it .
I think parents sometimes can be really blind when it comes to thier children. Yes its very hurtful espeacially if you thought you had a good relationship with them. But in the grand scheme of things it doesnt matter what they think what matter is your marriage. You need to concentrate on that, can you forgive him and move on? If not what do you want to happen? Have you thought about relate or anything similar?

Thanks so much for your replies, your right I should be angry with him and not them, they are good in-laws and adore their GD, I just feel a bit neglected!!

I just find it so difficult when he won't communicate with me, I've asked him to go to Relate and he pulled a face, I'm just going to make an appointment and try to get him to go?

Pheebe - I have no evidence that he has slept with OW and I actually don't think he has, but I can't bear it when he won't acknowledge that he had an emotional affair, he has already told me if I had done what he had done, he wouldn't forgive me! and would leave!

Isn't that him acknowledging it then? What more do you want? Surely saying "if you had done what I did I would leave" is acknowledging he did something wrong?
If he'd said "I wouldn't give a monkey's if you behaved as I did and think you are overreacting" that would have been not admitting guilt. You've even made him phone his parents. What more do you want? I think you either accept he behaved badly and move on with your relationship, or decide you won't have him back until you are sure he feels nothing for this woman. At the moment you've accepted him back but aren't willing to let it go, which doesn't help anyone.
At least he was able to stop after a kiss. A kiss really isn't as bad as an affair.
If this is going to work you need to rebuild the relationship, not keep going over how badly he behaved 3 months ago.

MTW - I;m so sorry you're going through this. it seems to me your H just wants his 'easy and quiet' life back. Doesn't want to face up to what he's done.

Can you find the strength in you to make it VERY clear that it is NOT business as usual? Far from it. He needs to work VERY hard to regain your trust now. At a very minimum he needs to go to relate with you - this would be non-negotiable to me - if he's not prepared to do this then I would see it that he's not prepared to save your marriage.

Other things I would put in place would be - separate sleeping arrangements, no 'going out' alone, mobiles, emails etc to be available at all times. Others may disagree but my feeling is that he has betrayed your trust in the worst way - whether or not he's had sex - and he's lost the privilege of you unconditional trust. HE has to do the work now but you will need to recognise when he does and work towards forgiveness.

To me this isn't something that can be swept under the carpet and only you can make sure it isn't. If you allow him 'to get away with this' then you've effectively told him you're a doormat and a pushover and he can do what he likes.

Wishing you all the very best and strength to get through this {{{hugs}}}