Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Facebook/men/'friends'

19 replies

ConfusedoftheSouth · 15/03/2009 18:14

My DP went out last night (we live apart at the moment and I'm 60 miles away, so I wasn't there) with a group of mixed mutual friends.

This afternoon, one of said friends has put a picture on facebook of DP kissing another friend (both friends female). The kiss is neither a snog, nor a peck. It's a kiss on the lips but both do have their eyes closed, so it looks relatively intense.

Now, DP claims it was totally innocent, and (I think) I believe him. Assuming this to be the case (and I realise this could be a whole seperate bigger issue) is it unreasonable of me to be really really pissed off that so-called 'friend' felt the need to post it publically, with tags so that all our other friends can see it? It could so easily be (mis)interpreted as DP getting off with another woman and think it shows a complete lack of respect for me and my feelings. Obviously I challenged DP and he says I'm completely overreacting and claims to be sick of this argument (when we were first together, 4 years ago I WAS rather over the top and possessive, but am more than over that now).

I feel he's taking her/their side and am really upset.

Am I right?

What would you do?

OP posts:

TigersEnglandChick · 15/03/2009 18:19

Why not speak to the friend who posted teh pic, explain your feelings and ask her to remove it?
Either that or post a comment under it to show that you trust your DP and think the pic is funny or something ... that way anyone else who sees it will know that it's not him 'getting off with another woman'.

Not very good at the advice things but I think I'd do one or other of the above.

MargotBeauregarde · 15/03/2009 18:22

I think you're right. EVEN if it's only a kiss, it paints a picture of him as some young single lad about town and is disrespectful to you as you have so many mutual acquaintances. Even if I didn't care about the kiss I'd be annoyed. Imagine if you made him look cheated on and flaunted it? He'd LOVE that.

TigersEnglandChick · 15/03/2009 18:22

Should add that I think you are justified in being a bit peeved with the poster.

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 15/03/2009 18:22

Thank you so much for replying TEC. I hadn't thought of 2 but I had thought of 1. The reason I'm wary of doing this is because I'm scared DP will react badly cos I'm sure she'd tell him.

It all goes back to how I used to be when I DID used to be unreasonable and try to stop him having certain female friendships. He now claims to be concerned I am trying to do the same again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 15/03/2009 18:23

EXACTLY MB. I was 95% certain I was being reasonable about it. Now I'm 100%.

OP posts:

MissAnthrope · 15/03/2009 18:26

In the scenario that you've outlined I'd be very annoyed that someone had posted it.

But... there are two sides to every coin and is it in any way possible that this mutual friend thinks they're doing you a favour by opening your eyes to what your dp gets up to on nights out?

Sorry if that seems a bit harsh

Surfermum · 15/03/2009 18:26

It might be that she hasn't considered that it might be insensitive and how you might feel about it because they were there, and know that it was innocent, so wouldn't consider it to be a problem IYSWIM.

Surfermum · 15/03/2009 18:27

What has he said about the kiss? What was going on?

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 15/03/2009 18:30

MA, I suppose it's possible, but this is a friend who I'd put in inverted commas, to be honest, and I think it's more likely she'd be trying to rub my face in it if anything. Plus I think if someone was really interested in being kind they'd just tell me/send me the photo privately.

SM, perhaps. That's the best scenario. DP is a very popular, tactile, friendly person, and I sometimes feel others see him as public property. Not that he's MY property, but, they see him as 'D who's really fun' not 'Confused's boyfriend'. If you see what I mean?

OP posts:

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 15/03/2009 18:31

He said they were just mucking about and that there was certainly nothing in it. I guess his argument is similar to your suggestion Surfermum, that he has nothing to hide, so he's not hiding it.

OP posts:

flibertygibet · 16/03/2009 12:49

Confused..I agree with the poster who said you should put a cheeky quote underneath it...gets the message out that you know that the photo is there and you are brushing it off. (even though it's bugging you!)

That would REALLY annoy me too and personally, I don't think a real 'friend' would post something like that. FB is also has a bad way of misconstruing things...i.e. I am currently in a stew over the fact that I discovered that my DH has been FB chatting with an old 'friend' who he had a brief fling with when we were together. It's my fault for looking at his open fb page but I couldn't help myself. I don't think there's anything in it and I'm not the jealous type at all but it annoys the hell out of me! There. Off my chest. It's so easy to 'see' things that aren't happening when they are taken out of context.

Let's see..witty comment for you "Looks like I missed a real party' or something like that....

beanieb · 16/03/2009 13:13

leave a comment on the picure! that's what I would do! nothing snide, something funny perhaps. Something which shows you are highly amused by what a wag he is and such a ladies man! then see what happens!

does your facebook status say you are in a relationship with him?

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 16/03/2009 14:20

No, but is says I am in a relationship, as does his. Everyone knows we are together, there's no doubt about that.

Had a long chat with DP last night and he apologised that it had upset me but was quite clear that there was absoslutely nothing in it, it's one of a series of various people in various poses. He also pointed out that if anything was going on he wouldn't exactly want a photo of it on FB.

He said if I was still bothered by it to ask the 'friend' in question to take it down, but I think a lot of people will have seen it now and to remove it would cause more eyebrow raising than not to. Also I wouldn't want to give the silly bitch the satisfaction.

Incidentally, I think posting friend would, if he were single, be after DP, whereas kissing friend is a really good friend who I trust completely.

OP posts:

Cartoose · 16/03/2009 14:39

If I were you I'd ask my DP to call the 'friend' and ask her to remove the picture. That way, she knows it's your DP that wants it removed. He can do it in a diplomatic way to ensure that no feathers are ruffled, but that the 'friend' knows that your DP is asking to remove it out of respect for you. Good luck.

JJsandcat · 16/03/2009 15:00

What's your relationship with the poster and is it good?

I would feel put out and definitely ask her to remove it. I'd then go on to tell my other half that you are hurt by that pic and by his behaviour because it undermines your status as his partner and your relationship.

How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

rookiemater · 16/03/2009 15:06

Bl**dy Facebook again, arghh causes so much strife in peoples relationships.

Agree with what JJsandcat says.

You are completely right to be upset by that picture and to ask for it to be removed.

Flibertyjibet, if your DP had a fling with this woman whilst you were in a relationship then you have every right to be hurt and annoyed that he is now in contact with her again. He went over the line in the past and regardless of how innocent the relationship is this time his consideration to your feelings should be the highest priority.

beanieb · 16/03/2009 15:09

ah - So really because you already have some issues with the facebook friend, in that you think she might be 'after' your OH, it's that which has really pissed you off?

I can see why but from what Your OH has said the whole thing seems quite innocent.

maybe you could comment on some of the others she has posted as that might not be the reaction she was hoping to get?

flibertygibet · 16/03/2009 16:22

rookie...It's not how it seems...I also crossed the line with someone whilst dh was 'crossing the line'...it was a long long time ago, before we had kids, before we made a committment..really is water under the bridge and actually made us stronger.

However.

This old 'friend' of his is someone that he always fancied when he was younger. I AM upset that he's in contact but I do think it's me overreacting to a Facebook message which I shouldn't have been reading anyway! So it's my own damn fault!. DH is incredibly bitter about my 'fling' though...even though he is flippant about his.

Sorry..I hijacked the op's thread.

The moral is...facebook is evil!

Original poster

ConfusedoftheSouth · 16/03/2009 19:19

Beanie, yes that's kind of it. She's not as bad as to actually try and do anything about it but I'm sure she wouldn't 'mind' putting the wind up me a little. Commenting on others a good idea.

FG, no worries! It is, isn't it?

Though I am rather addicted to snooping round other people's...

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread