I'm just "tired", apparently...

[justtoomuch]

After 7 weeks of not feeling right (since DD was 3 weeks old), I have finally accepted that I may have PND. I am trained in recognising the signs in others, but it has taken me this long to acknowledge the signs in myself. It all came to a head about an hour ago, when I also finally admitted to DP that I'm not ok. It took everything I had, but when you are sobbing on the sofa for no reason, there comes a point when you just have to accept it.

However, he's not been so accepting. "I think you're just trying to talk yourself into it, you're just tired". Hang on - why on earth would anybody WANT to talk themselves into feeling like this? I feel like I am the most horrible person on earth, I cry all the time, I don't want to do anything or see anybody, I don't sleep at night even though I am exhausted, because I'm so worried that DD is going to die in her sleep, I snap all the time, I have developed OCD, when I do sleep I have nightmares about DD falling into the sea and drowning.

But, reading through the symptoms, DP said "well, you don't exactly have loss of appetite". Yet another little dig about me being fattter than I was pre-pregnancy.

He doesn't believe in depression. He thinks if you just get out and take exercise then you won't be depressed any more.

So, what did he do when I blurted it out through my sobs? He made a joke about hiding the kitchen knives, gave DD a kiss and went to B&Q for a garden fork. No hug, no "it'll be ok". Nothing.

Oh lovie.

Phone your HV And GP tomorrow and start getting some support.

Ignore his stupid comments and rest as much as possible.

Though exercise is meant to help, I know it is easier said than done to get out there when you feel like crap and have no free time.

very sorry to hear this
could someone else speak to him about it eg your gp? he needs a kick up the bum if he thinks this is a good way to support you
i'm glad you are eating well, v sensible

for you.

I don't know what to say other than to echo what the others have said.

Wish I could give him a piece of my mind though.

sounds like a typical man's response
you have just scared the life out of him and he can't cope with it
hence the ignore it and it will go away and i won't have to deal with it attitude
otherwise called sticking your head in the sand

Sweetie you need to talk to someone. Not your DP, as he is clearly blocking and denying that there is anything wrong.

I didn't have any PND with my first, so it kicked in like a bastard with my second, wasn't expecting it at all - if it's any consolation, the first GP I went to see told me that the reason I was depressed was because I was overweight so I went to see someone else who prescribed me antidespressants and helped me loads. I came off the tablets after 6 months and never looked back.

You don't have to go down the anti d's route though, there are lots of options you can choose - some people just like to talk it out with someone.

But please get help xx

He came back and now he's barely speaking to me. I wish I'd never said anything - I feel like I've confessed to a murder or something.

Asked him if I had made him angry - he said no, he's ok - but he's upset. So now of course, I'm feeling guilty because I've made him upset, on top of how guilty I'm feeling for doing nothing but snap at him for the past seven weeks, and for being crap at breastfeeding (I'm still hanging in there by the skin of our teeth), and for doing nothing around the house, etc etc...

get yourself some support that isn't him. Write him off as a source of support until he understands what the issue is (he may never)

You need to see HV and DR.

XXX

PND GOES AWAY! IT IS TREATABLE, IT IS QUITE SHORT LIVED, AND ONE DAY YOU WILL FEEL NORMAL AND HAPPY AGAIN!

XXX

Ask him why he is upset.

Is he willing to listen and support you?

Good post from Colditz there. I don't think my Dh really understood, althougth he was supportive on a practical front, not so on the emotional front.

Please see your GP or HV. You will get better and you will feel like your old self again.

JTM, worrying that your little one is going to die is quite normal. I used to have dreams of ds refusing to take milk because we have fears his (adopted) cousin may not have been fed as often as she should have been when in her birth mother's care.

If your dp is giving out to you over your weight 10 weeks after giving birth he needs a (metaphorical) slap in the chops. Although to be fair to him, it's all new to him too with the added factor of it all being sort of "second hand" as well. I've often said that it must be deeply weird to be a new father. What happens? You witness the birth, you maybe have a week off and then you bugger off back to work as if nothing had happened. Yet your entire life has changed, but you have to carry on as if it hadn't.

(I don't know if this makes sense, but surely the 'plus' side of being a mum is that the transition is full-time? You aren't mostly living your old life with occasional parental episodes)

He may feel somehow that you blame him for the way you are feeling, plus I think if I might generalise, guys like things that can be fixed, not problems that require patience and time to resolve. He may genuinely feel that a combination of sleeplessness and lack of exercise is making you feel 'down' (I'm not downgrading your feelings, incidentally) but if so, what is he proposing to do to help? Does he do night feeds? Can he take dd in the day so you can go out for a walk?

Be warned, though, that your HV may refuse to diganose you with PND. I was, twice (despite having it, I am quite convinced in hindsight) because my dh is chronically ill. Ergo, I had a reason to be depressed and therefore didn't have PND. A friend of mine had the same; her mum died when she was in the later stages of pregnancy so her depression wasn't PND. How helpful. Hopefully you will have more luck and support.

Keep posting - MN is here for you.

Sorry that he isn't giving you the support you need
It is very hard in the early weeks- so tough, even if you have a little one that is 'easy'. Of course you have an appetite- bf makes you ravenous!

At the end if the day, just being 'tired' doesn't make you sit there crying, so it's good that you recognise theres something more and are going to seek help.

Keep coming on mn when you can.... there's always someone here for that bit of support when you need it.

Do you ever get a break from baby? Do you have older children to care for too? can someone help with those? I know mums/mils can be infuriating sometimes, but if they can give you an hour's respite... sometimes its worth it

DD is our first. Doesn't help tonight that DP now appears to be more drunk than sober, has completely forgotten the conversation we had on Friday night about DD having a dummy at bedtime and almost dropped her while getting her ready for bed.

His parents are quite old - I left DD with them for an hour when she was smaller and on formula top-ups (on advice of MW as she wasn't pooing) - and left strict instructions on how to make up the bottle - but they put 6 scoops of powder into 2floz of water and fed it to her, so I'm quite wary of leaving her with them again. My Mum works full-time. DP is quite good at taking her out for walks to give me an hour off, but I do the night-feeds as am BFing and if I don't actually feed her I have to express to avoid waking up in a puddle of my own milk.

We've just had a conversation and he said depression makes him angry. He says it is just a result of other things in life going wrong, and if you sort those out you won't be depressed anymore. He also acknowledges that I now will probably never confide in him about anything again.

He's probably just not sure of what to do or say. The important thing is that you get help now - when you feel up to it you can sort him out

From a fellow sufferer of PND please get yourself down to the doctors or as others have said talk to the HV, once treated you WILL feel better.

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug xx

It sounds like he doesn't really understand what depression is tbh.
Are you going to see GP tomorrow?

Depression is NOT just a result of things in life going wrong. I suffer from it periodically (usually once badly in a period of two years, with around 6 'good' months in that time) and the last bout had nothing I could attribute it to.

If he needs a reason, what about, 'I don't get any moral support'?

Your husband is very sadly underinformed about depression

justtomuch, I really do feel for you. I had dreadful PND, very severe and understand just how terrible it makes you feel.

Now I'm going to repeat what others have said here but make no apologies for that because it's very good advice. Please, please, please get yourself to the doctors and speak to your HV.

Help IS out there and you WILL recover, even if it doesn't feel like that will ever happen at the moment - I remember that feeling very well indeed.

Now on to your DH. I totally understand why you are so distressed by his callous response.

It may well be that he simply doesn't understand and will be more supportive if your doctor or HV speaks to him.

But worry about him later. You really do need to get help for yourself and your DD NOW, that is the most important thing. Sorry if this sounds a bit bossy BTW.

If you would like to CAT me I'm happy to discuss my experiences.

Coldtits you are absolutely right but I have come across this attitude before, sadly. My XP was like this.

It's a very damaging attitude and needs correcting (for want of a better phrase).

I'm seeing the HV later to get DD weighed, I'll talk to her then.

In the end I conceded and said I probably am just tired and sleep deprived, just because I can't bear to live in this angry, strained atmosphere. I'll just have to go behind his back to get this sorted out.

I even had to ask him for a hug - he said "I'm sorry I can't be the kind of touchy-feely person you want me to be". This is the man who always used to hold my hand as we walked along, who used to sleep with his arm round me. Now he sleeps in the other room because I fidget too much.

Today I don't even feel like I love him. I don't want to be here, I want to be somewhere far away with DD. God forbid that DD ever has a problem that's not physically visible. He even started on the other day about food allergies being a load of bollocks, we didn't have them in the olden days. (I had to put him right on that because I used to look after a child who risked anaphylactic shock if they came into contact with eggs or dairy.)

Anorexia? That's only for people who can afford to waste food.

If it's not cancer he doesn't understand it.

Hmmm, I was giving your DH the benefit of the doubt before justtoomuch but from what you've said, he just sounds like a selfish, arrogant idiot.

But the most important thing right now is you and your DD. I can understand why you don't want a ruck but don't feel you have to sneak around behind his back. You are ILL!

Do you have any other support around, friends and family? They can be a lifeline in these situations.

Oh and glad you are seeing HV. Be totally honest about how you are feeling.

I know they get a bad press on her sometimes but I had great support and help from mine.

Good luck with the hv today. Really pleased you are going to talk to her and hope that they can support you through this.
PND is not to be ignored and everyone here is right in saying that the best way to get through it is by asking for help.

I am feeling really angry with your DH on your behalf! Sleeping in the other room, refusing even to give you a hug when you are clearly emotional and upset.. You can make excuses and try to rationalise his behaviour - parents were like it, phobia about illnesses, his way of dealing with stress and issues he doesn?t understand blah blah. Still sounds like an arse to me. However, I suggest that for now it is worth putting him to the back of your mind and concentrate on you and your lovely DD. Right now, your health and looking after you DD are the most important things and today you are taking the next step to sorting it all out.

Be kind to yourself and please make sure you speak to your hv today xxxx

Oh dear you sound a bit like me 10 years ago. my now exh (!) told me he was ashamed of me bringing a psychiatric nurse to his house because of pnd. My health visitor and the nurse at the time persuaded me not to leave him then when I told them i wanted to (lots of other issues btw) because they said I wasn't in a position to make those kind of decisions with pnd. but they were wrong. It took too long to leave him after that.
I suggest someone talk to him too. Don't do anything behind his back. get him on board, he will need help to support you. and with him understanding it may well do you all the world of good. Please get the hv to talk to him too.

He sounds as if he has problems himself!