DH left me 5 weeks ago, seeing someone already am just devestated

[upsetlady]

sorry this might be a bit long

Been with DH for 10 years in total, got married 5 years ago. Have a DS aged 4.7 and DD aged 2.8 Our relationship has always been passionate/a bit up and down and has definately been harder since the children were born. He has never helped out with the children as much as i wanted him too and for the last 2 years we have lived separately but he has spent at least 3 or 4 nights with me and the children at my house. Last summer we were going through a bad patch and arguing a lot, mainly cos he wanted me to spend more time with him and go out clubbing etc and much as I would love to its a bit difficult getting in the early hours when the children are up before 6 and then have to look after them all day. I know he felt like we just weren't having enough time as a couple and having fn together like we used to. So anyway in July he finished with me. A couple of weeks later he came to be in the house and babysit as I was on call overnight for work and we ended up sleeping together and I subsequently found out I was pregnant. He was adamant he did not want another child but there was no way I could have a termination. All this time we remained very close and on good terms, at at his instigation got back together in November when I was 16 weeks pregnant. Things were going really really well and he even moved back in and gave up his rented flat after christmas. Then 4 weeks ago out of the blue he told me he could not get his head round the baby, and he could no longer pretend he could. I asked him to move out immediately and was really upset but overe the last few weeks have focused on the baby and also moving ( moving in 2 weeks ).
This morning when dropping DS and DD off he told me that he is seeing someone else and it has really thrown me. I thought he was just as upset as me over this situation but had to be honest with me about how he felt, but to be honest the fact that after 10 years together he is seeing someone else in just 4 weeks is a real kick in the teeth. Since he went today I have been a mess and just in tears which is not ideal in front of the children. Have no family or friends around and in need of some TLC/ positive words

I really feel for you. What a painful situation for you.

It must be very, very hard having to try to remain strong.

You musn't feel bad for 'being a mess', I would be.

so sorry and wish I had some practical advice.

I'm so sorry for you. It's probably the last thing you want to do but check your legal position vis a vis your house and maintenance.

If you need emotional support the Samaritans can be quite helpful even if you just need to cry down the phone at them if you don't have anyone else at this time.

Do look after yourself as well. Try to eat and sleep well.

Can you and children get away, say to family/ friends for a few days?

Is there any where you can go where someone else can take the load from you in terms of supporting you look after the children/ making meals etc for a bit?

He sounds a complete wanker and tosspot who doesn't deserve a loving wife and family.

I know I would be a complete mess in your situation. Do you have any friends or family you can lean on for support? Even a neighbour who you can confide in and share your thoughts with?

Sometimes just having someone agree with you is half the battle.

I second the 'wanker/ tosspot' theme!

have re-read your op.

Just want to add that it sounds as if you have been incredibly strong. You recognised his behaviour and attitude as being incompatable with your priority of caring for and focusing on your young family. You did the right thing in trying to move on.

It may be that he is unable in making strong commitments (to anyone ultimately. This is why he might be able to start another relationship at this time. He is likely to repeat the same pattern with someone else. By that I mean leave them high and dry.

I wonder his motives for telling you he is with someone else? Perhaps he regonised you were beginning to move on and wants you to be emotionally dependant on him? By telling yuo this he would have known it was going to hurt.

Try to remember the hurt he has caused you. Tey to focus on the great job you have done/ are doing with coping alone and providing your children with a loving and secure relationship with you.

The pain will end for you once time has passed and distance is put between you.

When you meet someone else- which you will. I really hope that he will be deserving of yuor love.

I think yuo have done so well.

Im so sorry

Sounds like he has been seeing her alot longer though

The worm always turns, trust me

Thank you everyone for your kind words. they are so helpfl. A lot of what you sai makes sense, especially Sparky. My DH has 2 older children from a previous relationship that ended when his children were very small ( 2 and 6 months ) and he always told me he realised he had settled down too young and with the wrong person - he was 22 at the time they broke upp. Bt now this has happened it puts a whole different angle on things and my take on it now is he is too selfish and wants his freedom to go out etc and not the daily responsibility and sacrificws that having small children brings,

I am finding it hard he seems to have moved on so quickly and there is an age issue as well as his new girlfriens in in her twenties ( DH now 32 ) whereas I am 42, and 34 weeks pregnant so feeling fat/unattractive/past it. Can't believe at the moment anyone would ever be interested in a single mother of my age with 6 children in total ( have 3 DC by first H who died, they are now 22, 19 and 17 )

Oh what a selfish arsehole. You deserve so much better than him.
It is so, so hard to start with, but in the long run you will be happy and strong, and your children will love and respect you, but he will always be miserable and running away from something.
Focus on you and your kids, make sure you eat even if you really don't want to and try to get some sleep.
Live day by day, sometimes it will be harder than others, but you will get through this.

It doesn't sound lke it would make much difference if you were not older/fatter than his new friend because it sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of having children. He has been having his cake and eating it as they say by not living with you and you dc and then 'staying over' three times a week. You better not be doing his washing!

You should make sure that your financial situation is secure. It doesn't sound like he is ever going to be the perfect man and horrible though it is, you might be better off without him. It sounds like you are doing most of the work anyway. It must be very hard for you though.

But UpsetLady, whilst it is horribly upsetting and painful, try to hold on to the fact that he has been able to move on as he is most likely incapable of feeling too deeply.Or caring too much about someone else.

I for one don't believe anyone walks away from a relationship without something to sort out. Perhpas he is one who can't face his issues and so will never experience a truely fulfilling relationship. Whatever. He must not remain your concern for long. It will consume you if you let it. Try to let it go bit by bit.

Let any feeligns of regret or self loathing go as much as you can. Please try to be kind to yourself. You may be the age you are/ the size you are and that is nothing for you too feel inadequate or less self confident about. You must try to be gentle when analysing yourself. Think about your achievments, think about the deep care and depth of love you give and feel for your family.

Have you a trusted friend you can unload on?