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Original poster

Am i right to be hurt by my brother's behaviour?

18 replies

rizlated · 14/03/2009 12:22

I have a week off work at the beginninf of April, its my birthday on the tuesday & going to a wedding in somerset on the thursday so was planning to take my 2 dcs (3.5 & 15 months) to my dads for a few days before heading to the wedding.
my brother, who lives in ireland, is also coming over for the wedding & planning to stay with dad with his girlfriend and 4 month baby. dad has a 3 bedroomed house & there is plenty of room, he has volunteered to sleep downstairs on the sofa as he sometimes does when there is a houseful.

My brother emailed me at work yesterday so say that he didn't want me & the boys there while he is there as the house will be too full and he won't get to relax with the boys there. he also said he doesn't want the boys getting all dads attention & he wants dad to be able to spend time with his baby daughter. i hve spoken to dad & he is happy to have us all there as we don't all have many chances to get together.

I have offered to go up a day later to let my brother & dad have some more time alone but my brother has responded to that by getting arsey and saying he will have to go to a hotel. he has said that he doesn't get to see dad often (which is true but it was him who decided to move to Ireland) & that I can visit whenever i like. I am now feeling very hurt by my brother as i was really looking forward to us all spending time together & being able to spend time with my new niece and i have now just said i am not going to bother going at all & will see them at the wedding at the end of the week.
Dad is going to speak to my brother today as he feels he is being unreasonable
Just wondered how other people would feel or if they think i am overreacting!

thanks!

OP posts:

edam · 14/03/2009 12:24

Your brother is being very unreasonable. Not his place to decide who your father invites to his home. The 'right, I'll stay in a hotel then' is such a drama queen response! Unless there's something very personal he wanted to discuss with your Dad?

MadameCastafiore · 14/03/2009 12:25

I'd email him some suggestions of hotels in the area and state that my plans are set in stone and I will not change them for him - he sounds a right plonker!

beanieb · 14/03/2009 12:26

your brother isn't being fair. His solution I suppose is that you and your two stay in a B&B?

kayzr · 14/03/2009 12:27

YANBU.

I personally think it is up to your Dad as it is his house. If he is happy with all of you there then it is your brothers problem. Don't change your plans and let him book a hotel.

ElenorRigby · 14/03/2009 12:27

I think he's being a arse! Tell you have already made your arrangements and you are looking forward to seeing everyone in April. Hold your ground but be nice as pie!

Original poster

rizlated · 14/03/2009 12:34

thank you so much! i didn't think iwbu but was starting to doubt myself!
i think he is worried about the boys waking him up early & disturbing his sleep as we all stayed at dads when ds1 was 2 & going through a phase of waking at 5am! ds1 is older now & much quiter and ds2 loves his sleep!
Brother is very smug about what a great sleeper my niece is but not sure whether that will carry on in a strange environment at my dads place! Am waiting to hear from my dad after he has spoken to brother but feel bad that he is stck in the middle & having to deal with this.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 14/03/2009 13:03

YANBU to be hurt but I actually feel a bit sorry for your brother. He's obviously been looking forward to a quiet stay at your Dad's and now it turns out that the house is going to be full.

FWIW, I have a sister in Australia, and when she comes over, my other sister monopolises her and I hardly ever seem to get to see her. I am always so excited when she is coming over but always end up in tears during the visit as my kids and I always seem to get pushed out of the way.

So I sort of feel for your brother, hoping to show off his PFB to his Dad, and have a nice fuss made of her and have her be the centre of attention - something we all want for our PFBs, and I expect you had for yours.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/03/2009 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 14/03/2009 13:19

Has your brother always been like that, or is it his girlfriend out of character?
If this is how he normally is, then I would say that its up to your dad who he has in his house. I would remind him though that YOU would like to make a big fuss of your neice too.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 14/03/2009 14:46

I think it was a nice compromise on your part, offering to go down a day later. He's being an arse if he says he wants to stay in a hotel.

It's amazing what kids can do to the relationship you have with your siblings. My and my sis are closer in some ways, now that we've had kids, but the constant bloody competitiveness wears me down sometimes (mainly my mum comparing us and our DC ALL THE TIME - but that's a whole other thread!)

Stand your ground and repeat the offer to go down a day later, if he's still being an arse, let him get on with it...

sb6699 · 14/03/2009 14:55

I agree with needmorechocolate, it was very considerate of you to offer to go down a day later.

He is your dad too and as long as he is happy with a houseful there shouldn't be a problem.

If he wants to stay in a hotel, let him!

NotPlayingAnyMore · 14/03/2009 16:26

You've tried to compromise to no avail. DB's being PFB and that needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP, otherwise it'll be like this no matter how old niece is. YANBU.

LoveBeingAMummy · 14/03/2009 16:42

YANBU he is as a guest its up to him who stays at your dads house!

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 14/03/2009 17:01

Maybe your brother and his DP are a bit nervous about travelling with 4 month old and staying in a strange place (strange to the baby, obviously)?

they might be feeling a bit protective and worried about the trip and want to try and control everything.

having said that, no need for you to change your plans, if it is that then they need to get over it.

Original poster

rizlated · 14/03/2009 17:04

thanks, my dad reckons it is coming from his girlfriend but I actually think its my brother. they have recently moved to live very near his girlfriends parents & they understandably are spennding a lot of time at his house due to the new baby and sil being on mat leave. I think he feels like he can't control what's going on in his own house so is trying to control what goes on in dads!
What makes it worse is that we all went over to ireland last weekend for my nieces christening, spent loads of money on flights, car hire, bed & breakfast, presents etc so it feels really hurtful to me that he can't bear to spend 2 days with me at my dad's house.
i do think he's jealous of the attention he thinks the boys will get but he's being ridiculous. dad said of course they need more watching beacuse of their ages (3.5 & 15 months wheras my niece will only be 4 months. just feel really sad because she is a gorgeous baby, its lovely to have a baby girl in the family & i don't feel any jealousy or resentment towards him at all!
think dad is going to speak to him & tell him how unreasonable he is being & that he was looking forward to having us all stay but it won;t change the fundamental problem of my brother thinking he has the right to decide who stays in dad's house

OP posts:

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 14/03/2009 17:11

you might find when you all get there it works out ok and your brother can relax about it - people can get very odd and control freaky when they have a newish baby, there's not much to be done about it except ride it out.

Poor you though, it's a pain for you! Just ignore him, let your dad talk to him and go ahead with your plans as agreed.

DeeBlindMice · 14/03/2009 20:09

He's being a knob. Let him stay at the hotel. You are entirely right. He made his choice to live in Ireland. He doesn't get to uninvite his father's guests because he wants all the attention.

SalBySea · 14/03/2009 20:13

yanbu

it does not fall to you to be the ones to go to a hotel as you are not the ones who have a problem "sharing" your dads house. If he doesnt wanna share let him go to the hotel, he will soon realise that his behaviour will have led him to miss out on what could have been a lovely (if a little hectic) family time!

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