*Need relationship advice please*

[musicmouse]

I'm 44 and in my second big relationship. Have 3 children from first partner(never married).(On my own with young ones for 5 yrs). Married now for 3 years (husband had no children of his own). I have had 3 miscarriages trying for a new baby.
Yesterday husband said he wants children and believes it won't now happen with me. Devastated at news, think this is the end of my marriage. At a loss, don't know what to think.

Perhaps he wants to explore options like adoption or surrogacy?

What exactly did he say because as oldlady says, he might have meant something else.

He said very little, just made his statement and walked away, wouldn't even discuss!He was quite clear that he wants his own, adoption not an option.

How would you fel about surrogacy? Or do you think he has someone else lined up already?

If you have had three MC you should be referred to a specialist clinic to find out what's the problem. To be very blunt, unkind and truthful if you already have DC by your XP then it's quite probably him who has the fertility problem ie his tadpoles don't make viable babies.
OK so it's not unreasonable of him to want his own DC and to be sad that you have had MC (feelings are feelings, he is not wrong to be unhappy) - but it is unkind of him to a) say what he said and b) 'refuse to discuss it.' You are perfectly entitled to ask him if he means that your marriage is over, and if the answer is yes, then when is he moving out? He doesn't get to just say something that nasty to you and then expect to carry on getting fed, shagged and picked up after.

No, wouldn't want surrogacy, neither would he. We are both ok, it's my inability to carry to full term. I appreciate his unhappiness, but it was in the delivery of the news that has hit hard. Having slept on it, sort of, I cannot see the relationship surviving. Feeling unloved. Despite him being good to my own 3, in some ways, he's always viewed me and the children as separate to me and him!(that was another blunt delivery!)

sounds to me like HE is unable to have kids. YOU have three!

i think the first thing is for him to go and get checked. and then go to the miscarriage clinic.

MM - you both need to talk properly. How was the relationship before the bombshell?

We have both been checked. He's ok, i was told the only thing going against me was my age! I did carry one babay to 14 weeks. Relationship before was good for a couple of years, but it's been a over 18mths since last miscarriage and things haven't been 100%. I guess he's been thinking about this for a long time without talking to me and it's just come to a head.

Musicmouse,

I feel so sorry for you. But please don't despair just yet.

5 years ago my DH and I stopped TTC after my 3rd miscarriage. I was 43. We were in a very difficult situation financially, I had lost 2 consecutive jobs as a result of taking time off sick, and the emotional roller coaster was simply too much to cope with. It was a terribly sad decision to make, but we are still together.

DH loves my DS unconditionally and is a great step-dad. Like your DH, he sometimes feels "sidelined", especially when DS is spending time with his natural father, but he also tells me he counts his blessings every day because so many people are unable to have children.

Do you really believe that this is the ultimate deal-breaker for him? Would he destroy an otherwise happy marriage for the sake of a purely hypothetical child with a purely hypothetical future partner, when he already HAS a real live family - you and your DCs?

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but the chances of you two having a baby together at your age were always going to be slim - 50:50 at best. I guess your DH had never thought this through (him being a bloke and all) but he really SHOULD have done, and the realisation that he might not have a biological child of his own has probably hit him very hard.

To be honest, I doubt if he wants to split up, and doesn't realise the effect his words have had on you. He needs time to work this through on his own. Give him some time to grieve.

HTH X

Thank you for that. Because we haven't talked things through since the bombshell I'm probably going into emotional overdrive and imagining the worst! So many mixed emotions and a sleepless night didn't help!

You must be feeling rotten at the moment MM.
Can you grab some time for a long hot bath and a nap?

I bet your DH doesn't know what's going through your mind, and you really must tell him how scared you feel.

I can't pretend everything is utterly rosy for us. DH often gets very down after spending time with friends who have small children and babies. He is also acutely aware that DS (age 12) is growing up very fast, and he tends to coddle him and treat him like a much younger child. I think he is mourning the passing of his childhood.

But hey - I tell him that ALL parents feel like this sometimes. And after watching one of his oldest friends attempting to suck compacted snot from the nostrils of his 3 month old DS with one of those aspirator thingies recently, he's decided that perhaps he hasn't missed out on so much after all!

Musicmouse I'm sorry about your mcs.
I think your DH has voiced a visceral need he feels to have his own children, felt a heel about saying it so just blurted it and left.

I'm not a fertility expert but I have just been through IVF so I've had quite a few hard facts thrown at me. At 44 your egg quality is perhaps just not what it used to be and this will mean a higher mc rate. When you say it's your inability to carry to term, has something been identified that tells you this or is this just what you deduce from your mcs?
It's more likely that your eggs are more prone now to missing genetic data leading to mc. Sorry to put it like that.

There is one option I'd consider if I was you which is IVF with donor eggs. It may sound a bit 'out there' but when you've thought it through (and if you can afford it of course) you may come round to it. You get to use your partner's swimmers. Your chances per shot will be pretty good. Check out fertilityfriends website and read the stories of all the thousands of women who've chosen this option.

Good luck!

By the way, I had the reverse problem to you. My DP and I both wanted children but he did not want them to be his genetic offspring because of the risk of passing them a disease that is very prevalent in his family. I was determined to have a baby though, so we used donor sperm. There are no parental issues (you are both the legal parents), the donor is formally arranged by a registered clinic so basically anything donated has been properly screened. There is no possibility of the donor having any rights.

Having talked things through some more i now know for certain our relationship cannot continue. I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone knowing how strongly he feels about wanting his own baby and me not being able to part of that process.I'm not sure he's really thought about the possibility that he may not be successful in his 'quest', but that's a choice he has made and a journey he now has to make. I'm feeling almost surreal at the moment. We are actually communicating more easily than we have for a long time and the atmosphere is strangely 'normal'. I guess my husband feels he's unburdened his emotions. Me, I'm coming to terms with the news.....i think!I haven't cried for nearly a whole day. I'm taking time off work from my job as a community nurse as I know I'm not ready to face my friends, colleagues or patients yet.
I realise I'm drivelling on, and I don't know if anyone is still following this thread, but it is helping enormously nevertheless! Thank you to all those who have read and listened and advised.

I'm so sorry, musicmouse, that it's come to this. Are you certain your relationsip cannot recover?

No not really 100%,as I wrote earlier surreality has taken over! At least I feel we are communicating better. Must get back to bed! Thank you

Can you get yourself some time away musicmouse? It might help you (and him) crystalize your thoughts a bit. Good luck.

I acted on impulse yesterday and booked myself onto a 'retreat' in May. (It is health, rather than spiritual).Felt great for doing it, if not a little guilty about the cost to my credit card, but I think it will be good for me. Things are still very surreal here at home. My husband is behaving almost as if nothing has changed! I need him to make some decisions about moving now, but he doesn't seem to know where to go from here. I'm less tearful for now, but because of him still behaving as he is it has lulled me into a false sense of security so I know there will be more emotions to come. Should I give him a deadline to move? I'm not sure.