DH driving terrifies me

[backseatdriver]

It seems every time I got out in DH car, his driving is too fast, too close, road rage, boy race, my stomach ties in knots ans I am scared. So many times I have asked him to 'please slow down' and he won't. He hust says things like, 'whos driving, me or you' or for 'for gods sake, no-one esle is bothered by my driving'. Oh and there is ALWAYS one serious braking episode (because he is too close, too fast). Last time we aregued about this he said 'don't come in my car then.' I know that would solve everything but my vision is not that great to drive at night, plus we always have the DC with us and still he carries on like this. I think he is just a selfish pig because I would always moderate my driving if someone was afraid. For the record, I am a very confident and fast driver too the difference being I do not take chances and I am tolerant and considerate of other drivers. Advice??

Lets hope the partner hasn't got a license for much longer-I certainly don't want to be on road with my dc's with such a dumbarsed and unsafe driver such as him.

Ahem... ladies!

Can I please alert you to the fact that backseatdriver mentioned country lanes.

Many (most?) country lanes have the national speed limit (60mph). That is fast for a country lane - or any road - but still perfectly legal.

I used to find my DH had to have his right foot on something, if it wasn't the acellorator accellerator gas it was the brake. Scared me out of my wits when I he'd be still getting faster (still can't spell it, look) when we were approaching a stationary vehicle, only braking at the last minute. But that seemed to be his style and either he doesn't do it so much now or I have got used to it.

Best advice is, give up on the drinking on your nights out and drive yourself.

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time, OP.

Anyway - some men do like to drive fast and take risks and it's hard to get them to address their knuckleheadedness other points of view. They just see as unfair criticism. And let's be honest, telling a bloke they are not a good driver is rarely going to be met with a reasoned response.
Is it really about the driving? Or is it a power/control thing from other parts of the relationship. It IS reasonable to ask him to slow down and take account of your safety and the DC, so if it's not happening, then something else has to be going on. Unless he's just an idiot that won't listen.
Spell it out without emotion when you are both feeling relaxed and try not to let it escalate into a row - "I know you're brilliant driver and I do trust you (blah, blah, blah,) but I would really appreciate it if you could slow down, because it makes me feel [insert whatever is appropriate]". And then listen closely to his response, to what he is really saying and take it from there.

For all these twattish reckless driver DHs - a few things to say to them.

If you can't stay within the speed limit at all times, keep a safe distance and safe practice when overtaking etc. then you are not a good driver, you are a shit driver, if you have so little control and awareness of the rules of the road. Simple as that.

If you think your dangerous driving is no one's business but your own, sit down in front of google and search for some news stories involving speeding and dangerous driving. See how many innocent people get killed by people like you, and how many stupid reckless drivers themselves have their lives ruined by their idiocy.

If you think you are such a shit-hot driver, here's a challenge. Go on an advanced driving course (and your moaning partner is allowed to go with you to check that you drive as normal) and see if the advanced driving instructor thinks you are so great. If you have to modify your driving for them, that might tell you a thing or two.

I hate aggressive, speeding drivers. And I don't think they should ever be allowed to get away with it. In the meantime OP, point blank refuse to get in his car or ever let the DC be driven by him until he has passed an advanced driving course and shown he actually knows how to drive.

My DP was a bit of an aggressive driver when we first met but two things have changed: firstly, he has become older and wiser, and secondly, we had a crash whilst on holiday caused by his inattention to the road.

I think the point is, you can't control what he does when he's on his own. But you have the right not to feel scared when in the car with him. I have often been in that hideous position when somebody very kindly offers me a lift, then proceeds to drive like a maniac.

But that's why I'll only get in the car with DP or other trusted drivers if I can help it: at least with your DP you can say 'slow down!' and not risk social offence.

Too many men assert themselves by acting like pigs in their cars. In the long term, I couldn't be with a guy like this. It would drive me mad. It would mean we didn't have the same values about respecting others etc.

I did have a lot of fights with my DP in the early days over this but I have won, and now he drives like a dream. Btw, if your DH needs to drive for his job then he's risking the family livelihood by driving like a twat.

Agreed muffle: too many 'confident fast drivers' think that they alone are uniquely skilled and don't need to follow the rules of the road.

When I drive on the motorway, I stick to 120km a hour. Can't do the maths to work out the mph equivilent. Maybe if the road is clear i go a bit faster. I stick at that speed and overtake when necessary to maintain that speed. When DH drives he has to constantly change lanes and brake/accelerate all the time.

The Belgians are all quite mad on the motorway so I keep a big eye for people doing irrational things. DH never takes other people into account. Cue me, quivering wreck.

the only thing I can suggests is don't get in the car with him.. or insist you drive the dc's.

oh fgs, it's obvious op was only explaining that she isn't a slow, nervous granny style driver. Stop misunderstanding her just because you want an argument.

Backseatdriver, your ONLY option is driving yourself, and I suspect you know it. Pity your dh is too arrogant to moderate his driving, but you have no choice. You never know, he might get fed up of not being 'allowed' to drive and start behaving himself.

Portofino, thankyou, you understand my situation. It would seem our DHs are the same when it comes to driving.

Thankyou too MinkyBorage, you have understood my point also. I am a very capable, safe and confident driver but that doesn't stop me being a nervous passenger and strangely I am not a bad passenger in anyone elses car either, just when DH is driving LIKE HE OWNS THE ROAD . Yes, I guess I will have to drive us when we go out, although he quite likes that and when we holiday abroad I do all the driving rather than feel 'at his mercy' with my stomach tied in knots. Thanks to everyone who could see and understand where I was coming from. It does get me down and I just felt like venting . What I don't get is how prevelant all the negative and rude remarks get bandied around so freely, I thought we were all here to support and help each other, not bitch. Thankyou to everyone.

Do you have children? Wow, it must be like a white-knuckle at the fair every time they go out with your husband.

To be honest, I think it's a 'man thing'. They feel powerful behind the wheel and I'm sure they liken it to being on the playstation racing other cars. It's not impressive and it costs lives.

1. Refuse to get in the car if he's driving.

1. Book yourself onto an advanced motoring course - your local police will be able to tell you where the nearest one is, and some forces even provide them.

There. Easy. And you know - not all men feel the need to drive like this. Stand up to him, and keep youself, your DC and other road users safe from harm.

The driver of the vehicle owes a duty of care towards you.
He should not cause his passengers to feel afraid or in danger.

Refuse to travel with him under any circumstances then stand your ground until his driving improves. Simple.
He will be shocked when you stick to your guns

I've done an advanced motoring course - compulsory at work as I used to travel a lot/use company cars. I learnt a LOT. I have NEVER had an accident in 23 years of driving (apart from the time a teenage cyclist decided not to check for oncoming traffic then scarpered whilst i was panicking that I'd injured a child, and the git wrote off my car!)

I fully appreciate that i am more nervous in the car now we have dd. I just wish DH would appreciate my concerns.

StercusAccidit, I shall be sticking to my guns from now on, although he will NOT be shocked. Will probably just think I am being 'difficult and paranoid', I have afterall, very STUPIDLY, put up with this for 20years , how dumb am I. Please don't answer that. I wouldn't be so scared if perhaps I didn't grab my seat belt or gasp quickly (in panic IYSWIM) at least once in EVERY journey. He is a controlling pig and from now on this is one stand I can make.

Trust me.
When he has to do the shopping alone or take the kids out alone because you refuse to go with any luck he will see the error of his ways and turn into a driver akin to a funeral car driver.

Which IMO if you don't make a stand one or more of your family will end up being driven by a real funeral car to your final destination if he doesn't stop driving like an arse.

Sorry to say it but he may think he is a great driver, it doesn't stop all the other idiots out there.

Some twunt pulled out on me today (sideswiping) on the motorway without even checking his mirrors. Thanks to many years as a delivery driver i actually 'read' what he was about to do (no indicators then mate?) and made what i consider to be gestures to show i was unimpressed.

They don't have THOSE hand signals in the highway code

His wife was in the car and as i checked my mirror i could see she was also calling him somewhat of an idiot although i had problems lipreading past the word twat.

Look at my post of 10:26 onwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/688657-In-need-of-hugs-High-speed-car-crash and say to your DH that I am still suffering from injuries, flashbacks etc. Purely because of some idiot male driver

i presume the op means she's not one of the idiots on the road who drives 30 on a road that warrants a higher speed. i live in the country too and there are alot of drivers who toddle along at 25/30 in 50/60 zones and tbh they're probably alot more dangerous than those of us who dive at the higher, but legal, speed as when you're driving 50 on a bendy road and turn a corner and come up behing one of these drivers you have to brake quite sharpish.

op... my dp is the same... in fact he seems to have gotton worse since i learned to drive (male ego). if i try and issist on driving he'll refuse to come (not handy when the only reason all of us are in the car together is the very rare occasion he needs to be there for something)

he drives too fast on country roads and doesn't seemt to grasp that yes... he can keep to the road just fine but these roads are too narrow for 2 cars to pass so if he turns a corner and meets an oncoming car he's going too fast to stop in time without slamming the breaks and that's just dangerous. his response to me last time i gave out about him driving 50/60 on a bog road? 'well the speed limit is 80kph [approx 55 mph]'..... the speed limits in this country are mad as the type of road qualifies the speed... all national roads are 80kph, whether they're bog roads or the main roads between towns it's 80kph... everyone knows it's this huge joke but now he's using it as his excuse

he also drives up the arse of other cars and slams on the brakes rather than stop in time at junctions and spends the whole time in the car swearing, blinding and getting aggressive.

it's gotton to the point where i avoid getting in the car with him if at all possible, the only 2 times i have since xmas were to be driven to the hospital to give birth, to our friends childs birthday party and to go get ds2 registered as he had to be there.