help me understand/ deal with my DH's personality type better he is CONFLICT AVERSE and its causing huge problems

[schmu]

dh is the ultimate people pleaser. he thinks of himself as easy going and laid back, but really he just wants to avoid arguments/ conflict by not being honest.

he is prone to lying and telling half truths to get himself off the hook. we have trust issues as a result.

he doesnt tell me how he really feels if he has a gripe, but instead allows resentment to build up, then he'll suddenly 'blow' and months of seemingly irrational anger and hurt will flood out.

we are going to relate but he refuses to do the talking excercise set as 'homework'.

if i feel upset about something and tell him, he constantly tells me that i read too much into sitauations, and shouldnt overreact etc etc.

i love him, but we are poles apart. i am a deep thinker and a talker and her is as far removed from taht as you can get.

thre relate counsellor said he was passive aggressive, but i dont think i agree with that.

any advice for improving communication between us? we just seem to clash so much at the moment and have scarily different views on fundamental issues eg whether its ok to tell half truths.( then when i find out he's lied by omission and get upset, he says 'no wonder i didnt tell you when you react like this!') i'm at my wits' end with him.

i am very far from perfect, but i just wish we could communicate more.

That's funny, my ex didn't tell me he was married to you.

this was my ex. Unfortunately I am an outright aggressive aggressive (Or I was) so it destroyed us, to be honest. I couldn't stand the lies, he couldn't stand the explosionss (although he said he could )

You have to look at what they DO. Words mean nothing.

Lightbulb moment for me to. My DP is lovely, very laidback and a wonderful father. However...

he tells these stupid lies all the time, lies he doesn't need to tell me.

I get annoyed because they're usually over drinking (he hides his cans in the same cupboard every time duh!!). I say to him all the time 'why can't you say to me 'I want a drink tonight and Im going to have one'' which would be adult, rather than pretend hes not drinking when actually he is.

He says he doesnt want to upset me. Ive tried saying if you dont want to upset me dont do the bloody thing that upsets me in the first place rather than doing it and then lying about it!!!! He doesn't seem to see this as logical

We've had this conversation about 40million times. He is slightly better now in that he often lies and I say 'Is that true?' (sceptical voice) and he'll say 'no sorry'.

However, he doesnt seem to realise that all these little lies breed distrust and make you wonder exactly what else they're lying about...

my dh is like this, enough to wind me up, but not so much it's ruining our lives.
his mother is emotionally manipultive in the extreme. she told him if he EVER darnk any alcohol, she would disown him. as her & Sfil had already disowned his step sister, he pretended not to drink at until he was well into his 20s! he still constantly lies about how much he drinks, even to himself. he rarely goes completely mad, but always thinks he can handle it, and when he's sick, it's the food/someone else egged him on etc etc
i often feel like he expects me to be the perfect mother to him, as if i need to make up for an unhappy childhood. i am quite confrontational & refuse, but it isn't always great.
so, how do i deal with it. he would NEVER consider counselling. i never really understood what PA was until now, and usddenly i don't feel half so angry towards dh, just like i want to help him.
i don't think he's a major case of this, is there any way i can help with how i react/treat him?
most the time we're very happy & work well together, but when there's potential conflict it gets tense, and he seems to think that once he's home, he has no responsibility, and i should do/be responsible for everything.

Some of the things you can do, kickass, involve minimising how much you "enable" his behaviour. So refuse to take responsibility - even if it means things going undone e.g. if he says he's going to do something under no circumstances should you give up and do it for him.

Other things like if they offer to do something, don't be grateful until after it is done (as otherwise they are getting the reward before the action and they don't have to do it).

The most important thing is to encourage them to come to you and discuss things, even if they think you will get upset/angry, and for you to react appropriately (so not over the top and try to keep your cool) and afterwards dicuss how pleased you were that they chose to approach you. It's all about trying to break the negative expectation they have about what will happen if they tell the truth. The more they get a positive reaction, the more likely they are to tell the truth next time.

The fundamental thing is getting them to take responsibility for their own actions, and for them to realise that it's not the end of the world if you do have an argument. It can be really therapeutic and clear the air.

thnaks, he is truly terrified of argumetns/disagreements, and when we are with other people will agree to do whatever they want to do, even to the point of dd & i being unhappy, like waiting for lunch when she was a baby & screaming for food, rather than asking others to hurry up!
he is the king of procrastination, but knows that about himself & will laugh at himself/berate himself.
it's when something unexpected goes wrong, i can see him actually looking around the room for who/what to blame & will say, you did xxx, this is why it happened.
ithink actually, i will be nicer to him in future, though just as firm.
i've been feeling a bit 'put upon' recently.
it explains why he was outraged that i left him to cook dinner the other night (which he should have known he was doing) but is coping quite well with me making a major mistake with his passport, ie, he couldn't accept his silly mistake, but is ok with mine, cos i 'fessed up & took responsibility.
have i got that right?

I wouldn't necessarily say he was PA, but definitely terrified of conflict, so a lot of the techniques to help will help him too. Only you know whether he fits the bill or not.

He definitely needs to learn to express his anger properly and appropriately, and to take responsibility for his own actions. Tough love might be the way to go (lots of support and understanding but no budging on the fact that he has to do things himself and take responsibility)

hello again youknow. and hello kickass.

just dropping back to say that i printed out some info on PA and gave it to dh. i took the risk that i'd make him angry and highlighted the bits that i thought applied to him.

he took it surprisingly well. it seemed tomakeareal impression on him and said that he could def see himself in the descriptions of PA. he has even agreed to think about counseling (solo) when relate sessions finish. AND he admitted to something that he'd concealed from me earlier today and voluntarily told me about it ( it involved a female acquaintance and he was worried that mentioning her name would arouse suspicion).

so... does this sound like progress or just part of telling me what i want to hear?? it seemed genuine, actually.

oh crikey coldtits, i think i ight be a bit aggressive agressive too, but dh brings it out in me like no one else!

that actually sounds wuite good, but i'm new to this.

my dh takes himself off to his study & doesn't talk about things. his mother used to make him go to his room every night at 6 to 'do homework' (keep him out the way) so he just goes to his cave, even if there's things we need to sort out & he gets quite grumpy if he is interrupted.

there's loads of stuff to do with the house that he just doesn't get involved, e.g. choosing new bathroom, garden stuff etc. then, if it's not what he wants, he blames me. i reckon if he had no input, he has no right to moan. i now make him get involved & we do manage to reach a compromise.

recently, he bumped the front of his car, and has the tiniest dent in the bumper (about 4 mm across), he tried to blame a box (which he could plainly see) for being in the way. so, i gave him The Look.

it makes me feel agressive agressive too, but i shal try harder now
i always knew it was his bloody mother's fault

schmu that's great news. Sounds like he took it all really positively. The fact that he immediately risked your wrath by telling you something is a brilliant first step.

When he does start getting therapy do be prepared for him to get worse before he gets better (is often the case as he has to learn how to assert himself productively).

Kickass - mothers have a lot to answer for Sounds like you're on top of not letting him get away with his excuses. It's all so stupid, if your dh just said "DAmn, I'm really sorry, I misjudged that." then it's not a big deal.

yeah, like i say, i think he's a fairly mild case & most the time we get on grat, but there are times when i've just not been able to fathom his behaviour & couldn't undestand why he thought he could possibly be right. some of the stuff here just 'clicked', and i had a lightbulb moment when i realised why he can be like that. we now live in the us & he is not planning to see his mother for another 2 years!!! i am pretty shocked, but the more i learn about his childhood the more i realise he was expected just to obey & not be an individual. funny, but moving away (we didn't even live close anyway) seems to have brought on a new burst of independence & rebellion from his mother!