Just had a row with my sister, some advice please! Long!

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

Some history:

DP, DS and I have just got back home from visiting my younger sister.

Sis lives with boyfriend of 2 years in rented accomodation.

I have never really 'taken' to her boyfriend. There is something about him that makes me feel he is just wrong for my sis. My opinion of him is that he is controlling, manipulative, clever, cold, materialistic, and a fantasist. All in all a lovely man.

He is African and apparently African men's opinion of women is that they are there to do their bidding, it's the way it is in their culture (also my sister's excuse for his attitude) and he expects her to do all the housework and pay the bills. She had to ask him for some money to pay the rent when she was out of work.

I feel he is using my sis and is just out for what he can get. He is already married and just got married so that he could live in this country. His ex is happy with this arrangment but does not know about his relationship with my sis. He is reluctant to commit and although fully aware of my sister's desire for marriage and a baby, tells her that he wants the sports car, and lots of money before children so no kids for at least 10 years. My sister seems unhappy and complains about him frequently but makes a joke about it when confronted.

I have seen them together and seen his body language when she went up to him for a cuddle.

He can be very charismatic and puts on a show in front of her family.

I really don't trust the man. After getting home today after speding the week with them I feel even more strongly about it.

I spoke to my mam and she agrees with me but says my sis needs to see it for herself.

So I phoned her up tonight and asked her to be honest with me because I care for her, she is my sister and I thought we were close and had an honest relationship.

She lied to me about things I knew such as him not getting her anything for her birthday, she said he had.

She tried to turn the converstaion around, lied, accused me of backing her into a corner etc etc. But would just not be honest about her feelings. It really pissed me off and it ended with me saying 'i'm not stupid, i wish you'd just be honest with me but if you ever need to talk, you know where I am'

It drives me bananas that she is deceiving herself that she is happy and this is what she wants from this relationship. Also really hurt that she feels can't talk to me.

I feel our mam just pussy-foots around her which in my opinion just helps sis to believe in her own little world.

I know what you're going to say, that I should just mind my own business but how can i when she's my little sister? How do I pretend everythings ok when I know its not and how do i pretend to like him so I don't rock the boat?

Sorry cant think of any advice but I find it odd that he has been with your sis for 2 years yet married someone else to stay in the country. Why on earth did he not marry your sis, does she not see this as odd

He was married before he met my sis but they weren't together. he thinks that divorcing her will upset her and cause too mnay problems. Alarm bells are constantly ringing in my ears.

there's nothing you can do. you don't have to like it, you don't have to lie, but you'll never force her to do what you think is right. If you can't accept that, you'll drive yourself crazy. Just make sure that she knows she can come to you. Don't make her feel she can't rely on you if and when she finally faces up to things.

If he hasn't got a british passport yet, he won't be ABLE to divorce her! Do you have any clue what his status is?

Of course, if you wanted to be totally evil, you could always give immigration the heads up that he married for a passport and they don't live together...

God it must be sooo frustrating for you she is your flesh and blood but as the saying goes "love is blind" and as so many have done she will only see sense when something bad happens which you as a good sister want her to avoid.

You have told your sister how you feel, all you can do is sit and wait to pick up the pieces...I would steer clear from visiting them together, perhaps meet her outside of him and keep of the subject of him - just have a relationship with your sister and agree not to mention him.

Sad but what else can you do? Not sure if Hecatestwopenceworth is a little too spiteful Im sure if she found out it was you it could do far more harm to you and your sisters relationship?

Like I said hang in there to pick up the pieces as the relationship sounds doomed from the start - God forbid she gets pregnant!

Hectate- evil yes not sure I could do that though i don't thnk i could live with myself! I don't know what his status is either my sis keeps quiet about the subject.

mullercorner- so true I guess you're right. I really hope it burns out before any 'real' committments happen and also I'd hate to be responsible for making her dig her heels in and try to 'prove me wrong'.

Another problem is I invited them to be godparents at my sons christening in september and now regret my decision. How do I uninvite him?

I would just tell him that you have changed your mind. If the relationship is a bit frosty anyway he shouldn't be too bothered. If you've never really taken to him why did you ask him though? It's not really the sort of job you ask a relative's boyfriend to do, it's usually a blood relative or a friend, in this age of frequent divorces asking someone who you wouldn't see if your sister split up from them seems odd.
I think all you can do is discuss your concerns about this bloke and be there for her to talk to. Yes he may be a mistake, but she must be getting something out of the relationship and she's an adult so I'd leave her to it.
Just because you are the older sister it doesn't mean you are better at relationships than her, or that you should try and influence her life.
I think you've done your bit, leave her to sort herself out now, but uninvite the bloke from being a godparent.

By expressing your disapproval thus you run a real risk of creating a "star crossed lovers, it's us against the world, Romeo and Juliet" mindset in your sister.

There's nowt so romantic as thinking your family disapprove of your partner. With good reason - who would you have ended up with if you had chosen your partner to please, say, your mother?

You might have been better off making friendly, innocent-appearing, suggestions about "when you two get married," and "when you two have children" when you are all together so that he is forced to say something and look an arse in front of everyone.

However, what's done is done. Re the christening, I would just tell her that you have changed your mind about him - use the being married to someone else as a good enough reason - being someone who will be a good role model. Leave her to tell him.

I agree there's nothing you can do. My sister has had so many immature/selfish/abusive/unsuitable men I've lost count - the only blessing is she does jettison them eventually, but if I dare to say anything before that point, she gets super-defensive.

I think you've said your piece now, so leave the dust to settle. It's possible that what you've said will sink in with her when she reflects on it calmly.

my sister is like muffle's....every relationship she's had has been with a waste of space. The last one.....i never liked at all, and over the years i've learnt to trust my judgement.......i kept quiet about it for a long time, but when she phoned me in tears because he had lost his temper and smashed the flat up (except he actually only smashed her things up)i told her what i thought. She left him last year, about 2 years after that incident..........

During that time i kept my distance, and as hard as it was i kept my mouth shut. I'd said my piece once and that was it.

I don't have any practical advice on how you should deal with this, because every situation is different, but i hope it helps to know that some of us understand your frustration

I agree with all the above. Even if it's your best friend or your sister, you can't stop her from kidding herself about love.

Unless the guy is abusive or criminal, your best defence is to act like you really like him.

I think balloonslayer makes a great suggestion: talk as if you assume he's a great guy, and this will show up how crap he is. I know it's awful but I do this to my BF sometimes, saying great things I know aren't true about her DP, and making her squirm a bit.

It's all you can do. If you attack him in a negative way she'll just leap to his defence and turn against you. It happens all the time in RL and on here.

If she's getting defensive, chances are that she's aware of how he is. If she wasn't, she'd be surprised that you don't absolutely adore him.

You have to let people make their own mistakes, hard as it may be sometimes.