manipulative ex - what is he trying to do?

[cestlavielife]

make me feel guilty?

backstory - i moved to rented property with dcs after long history verbal abuse controlling behviour etc etc and finally violence; he hadaccess at new place but could not accept split, refused to leave in the evenings, refused to accept it was over, finally dv incident. now in court, cafcass, still awaiting contact centre, he has kept refusing to pay (we agreed at court to pay half each). he has once weekly indirect contact leaves stuff for dcs.

now txt msg: followed a tx conversation -
can i pick up ds computer to attach an amplifier?
me: no it doesnt need one tks
him: "but i have arranged it! think straight"
then

"I hope you can start seeing straight the truth and have the courage and honesty to rectify and the wisdom and courage to recognize that we both are wrong and that the only important people are the dcs. things can change for the better".

then today, email, he has called cafacss, has arranged meeting for tomorrow at his place,will i go (have said, no not available, happy to talk to cafacss they can call me).

still going on about finding alternative venues which dont cost..

(happy to consider if appropriately supervised)

he says he wants to get cafcass to arange support so he "can attend dd birthday" in two weeks

now he knows she has a party at our place, but no way would i have him in my flat! and oldest dd is the one most affected,distressed by seeing his behviours... has said she only wants to see him once a month and supervised. she is nine.

when there was a supervised contact session in december she refused to speak to him at all...

if cafacass suggest something, it would not be unreasonable to suggest something outside of her special birthday do? separately?

last birthday party last year of youngest daughter (pre the incident which led to no contact) he was freaking out, smashing things, scared us - and then took diazepan to "cope" with the party

i have right to not want him in my house at dd's party right?

(in fact dcs know well that he can never come in the flat - we still have the hole in the door from his fist - hiddden behind a picture - to remind us why...)

and to offer her possibility of some special supervised time with her dad at another occasion separately?

and there is more:

i said not avaialble for cafaccass meeting, i will talk to them separately.

he says:

This is a great opportunity to change things and to talk to Cafcass.
We can enquire, dialogue all three and see of any alternative venue of
supervised visits as opposed to xxxxx centre with a friendlier, more
flexible and easy access to everyone .

If we seat down together and are willing we can reach agreement there
and then and set up action to move forward. Always taking your
considerations or concerns on board in a way that you gain trust and are
at easy with the situation.

Our children are fine, and there is no need to punish them

You can talk to this guy on your own, if you still unable to talk to me
I will go to another room or leave the flat, and you got keys to let
yourself in, so you can see him half an hour earlier or later but also
at some point you and I should talk

I wish you could see through and stop the unnecessary situation that is
so damaging to our children and our family.

No matter how many time I can say to you how sorry I am for this
situation but for your own benefit you might want to reflect on your
side. There is no blame from me to you, but i can see that in you, and
it is obvious to me and others

We both need to be prepare and willing to talk and change this situation.
We can do better why no to start now

I pray God to bless you and help you

you whatt??so it is STILL my fault? that he was voilent etc and i consider him a danger to our dcs.

grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

He speaks very oddly - what nationality is he?

Do you have to correspond with him at all? Can you not advise will just go thru' CAFCASS and not respond directly. Change your mobile etc. Sounds as if he is worried that situation has been made official and he will lose control. Do not agree to anything - infact just delete texts. He is still being manipulative. You do not need to put up with this any more.

Cestlavie your post at 18:05 (that's copy and pasted right?) sounds like so much bullshit therapy speak.

I think an appropriate response would be 'No thank you, we don't need to talk' and leave it at that.

It's extremely manipulative and designed to wind you up. TBH it makes me want to barf and I wasn't in a relationship with him!

And yes, keep a record of texts/emails/other contact. Don't respond to him unless you have to and if you do respond to him keep it 100% polite and neutral, even if it makes you grind your teeth!

NB - I don't think therapy is bullshit but it has that 'ring' to it.

I mean the email has that 'ring' to it! Bah...not making much sense am I?

There speaks a man who is losing control and is trying a new tack to get his own way.

Stick to your guns

CESTLAVIELAFE... think I can remeber your posts of old. It just sounds like bullying tactics and him pushing to get his own way, just stand firm and refuse thsi meating at his place. Tell him to get Cafcass to arrange a seperate meeting with you. He is just trying to control the situation whicH you no really

I take it the tone of the texts are not his usual style ?? It looks as though he is trying to give the impression he is being oh so reasonable in trying to put your DC's first ( tho you know he isnt really) at the same time knowing you wont agree to such a meeting, in the process making you look as though you are the unreasonable one not co-operating for the good of the DC's ?? Highly manipulative of him indeed

Maybe he is trying to make CAFCASS think he is the reasonable one? I would deal directly with them and keep them informed, keep copies of everything and dont enter into any text or phone dialogue with him. Decide what is best for you and your children and stick to it. Dont let him change your mind. Good luck.

Oldraver I thought the same as you, sounds like these messages are meant to be shown to CAFCASS etc. to try and convince them of how he is being reasonable and has turned over a new leaf! So OP I would advise that you are very careful how you reply to them, if at all - but might be better to avoid replying directly at all, as SHS said, and keep everything going through CAFCASS. Good luck!

What LittleBella said.

He sounds very like our ex-tenant in his communications to his xw. Very manipulative, will say whatever is likely to sound good at the time, only interested in getting his own way, and will dissemble for England if he thinks that's the best way to get it.

Ignore. Talk to Cafcass yourself. Stick to your guns. And no, I don't think he has a right to go to the birthday party - but check that.

It does sound as though he is speaking English as a foreign language. Does he normally speak like that? What's with all the religiosity?
I would continue with the current plan if you are happy with it. Be polite but firm and brief.