My flipping mother

[TheSmallClanger]

I'm meant to be spending the weekend with my parents, but I'm not looking forward to it.
Although I am actually very close to my mum and most of the time, we get on, there are a few "sticking points" in our relationship which I am not going to be able to avoid.

Mum has been at pains to point out that she has been suffering from some sort of bug this week, although she is adamant that she doesn't want me to put the visit off. I'm actually spending most of the day with my Dad doing something pre-arranged on Saturday, which is most of the point of the visit. I would simply not go otherwise.
Although this sounds nasty and uncharitable, I can't deal with my mum when she is ill. She is the sort of person who refuses to go to the doctor, but likes to be a complete drama queen about illnesses, constantly regaling me with stuff about how little sleep she's had and how she soldiered on at work anyway, spending as much time languishing on the sofa as possible and coughing all over me and Tiny Clanger. She does little or nothing to actually help herself, such as going to the doctor, taking vitamins, getting fresh air or cutting down on cigarettes.
I would find it easier to sympathise with her if she wasn't so odd with me about my own health problems. If ever I am unwell, she tends to downplay it and make out that I am being a hypochondriac, or exaggerating. She has been like this since I was about 11. As an example, this Christmas, she flat-out denied that I had broken my foot playing volleyball at school (I did) and rolled my eyes at me when I mentioned the contact dermatitis on my leg (when it was her that brought it up in the first place, asking me what the rash was). I have suffered years of being told that my period pains were due to my tampon use, that flu was a cold which I should stop making a fuss about, that pain from 2nd degree sunburn was me "being in a bad mood", and that the early stages of septicaemia was me "feeling a bit sick because I swallowed some gunk from a mouth abscess".
I know I shouldn't store grudges like this up, but it hurts me to be dismissed like this and then listen to her going on and on about a winter bug, dismissing every suggestion I make to help as "unnecessary".
I know this sounds strange and petty, but I find it increasingly hard to deal with as I get older. Does anyone have any experience or practical tips? TIA

Poor you. I think a lot of older women gain attention by constant illness/hypochondria, as if they haven't the confidence to have normal conversations. Hence why she rubbishes any illness you've ever had and is a competitive patient. Does your dad pay her much attention or listen to her? I don't think you can solve this on your own.

I think you should just try and enjoy your Saturday with your dad.

If you know in advance someone's going to be a pain or wind you up, try visualising an invisible screen or barrier between you so you don't get caught up in their negativity. As you're expecting the worst you may find she's not that bad after all.

My mother is like this to some degree so I feel your pain. I was talking to her today and asked her if she would come up soon to take DCs to school as I have to get to work really early for an event we are running. This is a rare event but as soon as I had put phone down I regretted it.

During the conversation I had said that when I get into my work I often can't then be bothered to go out as i feel so tired ( I meant out to the sandwich shop or to get a drink) - she immediately countered with well you need to cut down on going out (she has always had a problem with me going out socialising/enjoying myself). I said I meant out of the office not after work.

Then when I got my first ever period and on day one (age 11) she sent me to an after school netball trials which was about a three mile walk there and then home again. Can you believe that? She was always highly unsympathetic when I had period pains etc then I discovered later that she had to be carried home from school/work with hers!!

Once I had flu (in my 20s) she came round to see me and said I would feel better if I did some housework.

More recently when I was having probs with my periods (I have got fibroids and at one point they got really heavy) she said well just get rid of it (ie have a hysterectomy) you've had you children now!! She knew that I am anti hysterectomy except in the most extreme cases and makes no attempt to understand why.

And yes it does hurt to be dismissed. She also was in denial about my brothers dyslexia.

Funnily enough at the same time she can almost revel in it when people are ill because she almost likes to see people ageing and thinks I am highly inappropriate for my age.

I was doing quite well holding her at arms length and almost regret asking her to come down for a couple of days.

Mine is just like this - there is no illness that anyone can have or mention but she goes "oh I had that, and I had to soldier on regardless" She took to her bed throughout my childhood whenever she had her period and yet, once when I had a really dreadful long lasting stomach bug I remember her stood over me lying in bed with a disbelieving look on her face and saying "you can't be that ill"