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Relationships

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Original poster

Living with your extended family? Yay or nay?

28 replies

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 14:43

DH and I have been considering getting a place with his sister, who is single with no children. We have one DS at the moment. We haven't discussed it with her formally but now DH and I are having second thoughts and need to weigh up the pros and cons.

I'm interested to know what other people think - both people who live with their extended family and people who would rather chew off their leg than have Great Aunt Ada shack up in the spare room.

OP posts:

Lemontart · 12/03/2009 14:54

We lived with my folks for a short while with 2 small kiddies. They are lovely and we get on well with them before and since. However, we had to move out before we fell out. For us it didn?t work. We needed our own space to parent our kids in our own way and not feel like we were apologising for them all the time.

Of course it could work, but there are so many pitfalls living with family at a different stage of life to your own that it is incredibly stressful. If you are considering it seriously, you all need to do a huge amount of heart to heart about expectations, worries, concerns, absolute house rules and possible scenarios that could rock the boat. Houses with separate living space as well as separate bedrooms, even with a second entrance is all helpful. Even parking situations can become contentious - having to ask people to shuffle cars around after a few weeks can cause stress and frustration. Then there are times when one set wants a party while another has a job interview in the following morning, or a sick child screaming through the night etc etc etc

Why not do a test run and go on a self catering holiday for a week - neutral ground and time to get to test a few boundaries and feelings.

The finances are another huge ballgame to think about. If you tie yourselves in and the house market drops a lot further only to find her with a husband to be, you with another child perhaps or just at each other?s throats - how will you solve it in negative equity?

I would stress caution and for the extra bit of large house combined incomes could bring, be prepared for a huge amount of extra stress. Sorry I am so negative. If I had not been through it already I might have been more positive. But I have a fantastic relationship with my mum and my relaxed easy going dad and it was still a nightmare!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2009 14:54

Never ever live with family members!!. Live separately; you all need your own space.

What if his sister wants to brings her boyfriend home for the night?.

Would you all live under the same roof?.
Can see all sorts of problems with this potential set up with his sister, not just all living under the same roof as each other. There could be difficulties as well if she wants to sell up or wants to buy your share of the property. The mortgage as well could be problematic too (mortgage co's as a rule don't like three names).

Your family and her life as a singleton with no dependents are two very different things.
Rules and boundaries must be respected by all parties.

Lulumama · 12/03/2009 14:57

i think it could be a potential disaster

why would you want to live with her ? to split the bills and make finances easier?

what happens when she meets someone and leaves ?

what happens when your DS is sick and wakes the house up every night for a week? or she goes out clubbing and wakes you all up at 3am bringing friends home?

the fact that you are at such different life stages might make you totally incompatible long term

i think if you are having second thoughts now before you have even discussed it, it should tell you something

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 14:58

Thanks for advice so far - negative stuff is very welcome as it's confirming my concerns!

Just to clarify, we're not going to buy together; only rent/ have her as lodger in our bought place.

OP posts:

ChopsTheDuck · 12/03/2009 14:58

I couldn't cope with two weeks with dps' family! I really wouldn't recommend it.

Could she not move in with you for a bit first and try things out?

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 14:59

Oh and - she's not a late night sort; is in her 50s and more of a homebody.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 12/03/2009 15:52

is she going to find comings and goings with a young child intrusive? what about if you have another baby? what about if you want a big rowdy dinner party?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2009 15:55

"Just to clarify, we're not going to buy together; only rent/ have her as lodger in our bought place".

Still not ideal, this situation still has too many potential pitfalls.

OhBling · 12/03/2009 15:57

I once told DH that if I had to live with his mother I would probably land up punching her in the face after only a few days .

he took it well.

I would be very hesitant. Navigating with two adults who are partners is hard enough, adding a third to the mix would be very very difficult.

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 16:39

Yes, we hope to have another baby; however she adores the socks off our DS and would love to have the chance to get close to our other DCs, because she won't have the opportunity now to have her own children. I do feel for her with regard to this, however if I'm honest I sometimes sense that she feels a sort of possessiveness towards our DS - not in an OTT way, call it my intuition, perhaps. Also she can be very insistent about the way she thinks things ought to be done, and while we can put our foot down easily when we're not living together I suspect that it could be the cause of much future friction if we do houseshare.

You're doing a great job of convincing me to follow my gut feeling!

OhBling - I suspect he took it well because he thinks YANBU?!

OP posts:

LittleOneMum · 12/03/2009 16:39

OK, let me add a different viewpoint. Three years ago, my sister came to live with us 'temporarily' after she broke up with her OH. At that time, DH was my DP and we didn't have a DS.

Three years on, DH and I are married and we have a DS (18 months) and she still lives with us and I love it! She has a new OH who comes to stay occasionally but she is very good at not being too imposing. Also she's an actress so she's out most of the time rehearsing or performing and generally doing young single no-kids things.

I cannot tell you how good it has been. I have a live-in babysitter, she's always when I need her and she's great to talk to. She's got a TV in her room so she holes up there if she feels in the way. OK there are times when I've been pissed off (one time she finished all the cheese when I was pregnant and craving cheese and I shouted!) but mostly pros outweigh the cons.

I think it all depends on your set up. How often is she home? How often are you home? What will the rules be?

I actually love also knowing that my DS is growing up to know his auntie.

LittleOneMum · 12/03/2009 16:42

I should say, it's our house and she pays (some) rent.

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 16:46

Thanks for the contrast of opinion, LittleOneMum.

DSIL is lovely, but your relationship with your sis is very different. I think that's the key, isn't it? That there aren't hard and fast principles to abide by, except that it depends on the nature of your relationship with said family member.

How does your DH honestly feel about having your sister live with you?

OP posts:

LittleOneMum · 12/03/2009 16:50

I think that's definitely the key - she's my sister and I love having her around. I think it depends on what your relationship is like.

I can honestly say that my DH likes having her around. He works away sometimes and I think he likes knowing that I am not on my own. Plus they get on very well (she's gay so I don't stress about them getting together or anything! )

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 17:01

OP posts:

2rebecca · 12/03/2009 17:09

I love my sister, but living with her would be awful as in some ways we're too alike. I'm also quite antisocial sometimes and like my own space and not to have to chat (when no kids aroundwanting me to do stuff). I did my stint of housesharing as a student. If you can afford not to share your house I wouldn't.
I quite like it when my husband is out for the evening and kids are in bed and it's just me in the house so wouldn't want someone else's sister "for company" as I quite like my own.

Original poster

MrsMerryHenry · 12/03/2009 21:31

2rebecca - I hadn't thought about that 'own company' thing. I love being around people but every now and then, when DH is out and DS is in bed, it's bliss. Good point, girly.

OP posts:

oldraver · 12/03/2009 21:46

My DB came to live with me when he finished Uni 3 years ago. He used to stay in the holidays and weekends as he worked near to me. I had planned on taking a lodger if money got tight after having DS2 SO it did seem a good thing for us both. DS was hard work the first year as he was ill so it was easier having family as it didnt matter too much if th house was a tip

He does frustrate me sometimes, he has defrosted the freezer in the garage three times but is no longer trusted out there, constantly leaves the hot taps running doesnt lock the door properly and can be messy. Just normal irritations that every so often I blow up over. The advantage is that I know I can trust him with regards to my belongings etc. He also only spends a couple of nights here and spends most of that in his room. He has just this minute come in and gone straight to bed so he doesnt get in the way of me personally

chattyange · 02/09/2015 15:47

There seem to be lots of fears and negative experiences but we live with my son, his wife and two kids who are on the floor below and so far it is a very positiive experience and seems we all think so.
\Is there anyone else with a positive experience of doing this? I'd love to hear how you make it work

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 16:44

Just read the whole thread - I wish the "zombie" bit was posted at the top of the thread.

Are you still around, OP? What did you do?

chattyange · 02/09/2015 16:59

Hi Imperial Blether. Yes still around. What did we do? Made definitive rules about how we all wanted ot live, worked hard at sticking to these and kept a very separate life from the younger generation while enjoying having the kids to play and go on holiday with them etc. And NEVER thinking it my place to suggest how they should be as parents!!

Sansoora · 02/09/2015 17:03

I think if the house is set up for extended family living then it can work very well.

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 17:27

Glad you've got a good way of making it work, chattyange. I wondered though about the OP - she was trying to make a decision and I wondered what they decided in the end.

chattyange · 02/09/2015 17:43

Yes I would be interested too. It seems to me so much in our 20th century culture pulled away from the idea of family harmony and urged us into individualism or bust that the idea of living en famille must seem very counter intuitive. And sure for some it certainly won'twork, but it has many virtues when it does

pallasathena · 03/09/2015 10:21

I'd love to in theory. I have a rose tinted view of cosy family meals together around a huge table with all the generations chatting lovingly to one another and carols around a roaring fire...but, its a daft dream because the reality would be simmering resentments, unkind remarks and a feeling that you were being tolerated rather than truly wanted there.

So, no. Not a good idea for me and mine.

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