Am losing sympathy with friend's situation - how do I get past this?

[kettlechip]

This is a really difficult one - I have a really close friend who I see or speak to several times a week. Without fail, the subject of money (and their lack of) comes up in conversation. Over the past year I've tried being sympathetic, offering practical solutions ie helping her sell some things, help her with her CV to get a part time job etc, plus DH has given them lots of free business and financial support but we're still in a position where she's crying on the phone to me for hours at a time because they can't afford the expensive dream house she's got her eye on and somehow feels entitled to (neither can we btw!).

I don't feel comfortable talking about our finances, and although I love shopping, am careful to keep anything I've bought to myself. DH has worked and studied very hard for years and finally got to a senior level in his profession. We are by no means rich - it's taken 10 years to reach this point and to begin with we were absolutely skint for a long time (before she knew us well). Her DH is highly skilled in his job but it just isn't that well paid a sector. I can sometimes feel her comparing our situations now and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I don't want to sound like a heartless person because I really hope I'm not, but it's really difficult to keep having the same conversation if she won't take steps to help herself. Basically she needs to get a job if she wants the lifestyle she aspires to and can't seem to see that money isn't the key to happiness. (One of my dc's has mild SN, for example, which gives me plenty to worry about.) I really want to stay friends with her but can feel my patience wearing thin. How can I get this across to her and preserve our friendship?

Ooh, don't think you're being heartless at all - it's incredibly frustrating being the sounding board for someone who doesn't want to help themselves...

Have you tried turning around and saying 'OK then, what's your first move?'?

And have you ever talked to her about your own lean years? Maybe in the context of hoping you'll be able to teach your DC that you have to work for what you want?

All I can think of really - hth...

its worse when it is family members doing it. We have worked hard and do have a good lifestyle, but it has taken a lot of hard work and we have had to make choices as to what we spend the money on. We have 4dc and the bills that go with that are enough to make anyones eyes water - even mine at times.

People who dont have as much tend to think it all comes easily and dont see the downsides at all.

I think all you can do is to ask her how she is going to try and achive her dream.

I'm relieved nobody thought I was being mean, it's such an awkward situation and I wouldn't want to discuss it with anyone in RL.

Had over an hour's conversation with her after posting this, I said that I thought she should have a plan, and that she needed to work out what she wanted and a way to get there. It's a real shame as we'd hoped to all go away together but I think that's now off due to funds even though it was booked a long time ago.

It's really frustrating as I remember when I was in that position I did bar work, waitressing, cleaning and anything possible to raise enough cash to do the things we wanted to. Everything we have has been earned by us, and I would never begrudge anyone who has more than us.

perhaps you can decide now that you have done all that you can and that it is time for her to deal with it. You could say 'im sorry I dont think I can help you any more with this' - it sounds like you have been a good friend but she is now making you feel uneasy, so you need to get a balance back again that you are both ok with

newgirl, I think you're right. I am uneasy with it all. I've never had this situation in a friendship before.
I know she needs someone to vent to, but it's making me want to screen my calls.

If it makes you want to screen your calls you know what the answer is. To be honest it sounds to me like it will shortly move towards her venting about how unreasonable her husband is when they split up. I can't believe it is a happy house if she is always banging on about how he doesn't bring enough money in. That would be pretty upsetting for him I imagine.

Sounds like she needs to take a step back and see how lucky she is. When she moans can you bring up the positive aspects of her life and remind her how good she has it really?

Not being able to buy your dream house is not the end of the world, having nowhere to live and I'd be more sympathetic.

It sounds like she doesn't want advice, she just wants a sounding board. Have you tried just listening instead of trying to help (more to the point, do you want to?)? You might find it less frustrating and the phone calls shorter. You could also try limiting the calls to a set amount of time, so you only give her, say, 15 mins and then tell her you have to go.

She might not be able to make the leap between moaning about the situation and taking the opportunities offered to make a difference to her. It's possible she feels a tad overwhelmed by it all and needs to take stock herself (although hankering after a bigger house when you already have one sounds a tad selfish).

You probably need to cut down the amount of contact youdo have as it doesn't sound positive for you, but don't drop her altogether. Just limit the calls/length of them and see what happens.

On a slightly different note - and not one I'd feel comfortable doing myself - maybe she needs a verbal kick up the backside and is just waiting for you to do it? Maybe you need be honest and get a little angry, let her know that you think she's making herself unhappy by lusting after what she knows she can't have, and that until she either takes some real action towards improving her situation, or learns to accept that her life is not a disaster simply because she can't move to a bigger house, you don't want to discuss her financial situation anymore.

Does your friend and her family want for anything? Do they have problems paying the mortgage, running a car or buying the kids' clothes for example? Because if they don't, then it sounds like she's just obsessed with material things. I don't know what your history with her is, but I wouldn't want a friend like that. As you say, money isn't the key to happiness, far from it. And what do you actually get out of the friendship?

Sometimes we have to accept that friendships are no longer working and move on - usually when one person starts taking more than they're giving. Don't feel guilty about the way you feel, you sound like a sympathetic person who just feels there's nothing much in it for her anymore but don't want to give up because of your shared history.

Thanks everyone, this is really helpful. They make ends meet but don't have spare cash at the end of the month. I think their mortgage is low but don't know all the details. I do keep trying to see it from her point of view as I'm aware that to her it might seem as if we don't have to worry about money (we do.) She doesn't realise I buy practically everything in sales or on offer, so we can have nice things for a fraction of the price.

I think she is aspirational rather than greedy, but the fantasy blurs with reality now and again. I enjoy looking at lovely houses as much as anyone, but don't get upset that they aren't likely to ever be mine iyswim!

I just feel if they budgeted better they could afford more but can't really say more to her without just sounding patronising or bossy. An example is the break we're all going on - they have shelled out lots of money for optional extras just for the convenience (which we haven't, we're taking our own cots etc rather than pay to hire things we already have) but are worried they won't have any money for food while we're there. It just doesn't make sense to me!

I don't want to give up on the friendship but I think a bit of distance might be needed for a while.