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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

pissed off by my mum's attitude to her dogs

17 replies

kittywise · 12/03/2009 14:05

Ok, I will firstly admit that I am not a dog lover, not one bit.

I was brought up with dogs, well one dog at a time and I never liked them much. My mother seemed to have more patience with and affection towards them then she ever did towards me. It was funny when the sheepdog stole my easter egg ( bloody hilarious) and she even kept a dog that when I was 6 months old "took you into the garden and (in her words) shook you like a rag doll bashing you head against a stone, that is why you have a scar on your face"

When I had a few kids of my own she and her partner actually went to a professional photographer to have studio photos taken of them and the dogs. I was given one as a present and it made me want to vomit tbh.

So she went from one dog to two and then a couple of years back to three, but ( according to her) just because she couldn't bare to leave the poor dog and had to give it a home you understand.
Normally she would not have three dogs the house is too small blah, blah,blah.

2 of these dogs were rescue dogs and very unpredictably behaved . They would bark and snarl and sometimes 'bite'
I always felt very nervous when the younger children were around the dogs.
Why she got bloody rescue dogs when she had small grandchildren is beyond me.

One of these snarly dogs died recently and I had to listen to her lamenting, but was relieved that at least there would only be 2 dogs in her small house and one of these is at least a pedigree deerhound and very nice tempered, I quite like him actually.
Last week though I found out that she is going to get another rescue dog. When I said" oh I thought that a third dog was a one off" she said " oh no I love dogs, they are my life, my world etc etc. I want as many as possible". When I questioned the sense of this she said " well you have six children"
I told I had the room in my house she did not. She said they took up no room. Yeah right a frigging deerhound the size of a bloody pony takes up no room whatsoever.
Then when we finished talking I thought "hang on she is comparing having dogs with having kids. She is justifying her dogs because I, grown up woman has chosen to have 6 children. How on earth can she compare human beings, her own grandchildren with some bloody muts?.

Yes she has the right to have what she wants in her house, I know, but it's her attitude that gets me, plus the dog shit, her house stinks and the rescue dogs steal food and snarl at the little kids.

If she phones home from here she will ask to 'talk' to the dogs and her partner gives her a rundown of what the dogs 'did' that day I hear her saying things like:"ah how's my B, oh really, so sweet, bless her that's lovely. Did she really? Is that B I can hear, give her a hug from me.
Tell them I miss them etc etc etc.

Thanks for reading this. I needed to get it off my chest.

Honestly, tell me am I wrong to be feeling sad?

OP posts:
Iklboo · 12/03/2009 14:09

Sounds like major empty nest syndrome - she's replaced her children with dogs (they need a similar lind of attention & devotion IYSWIM)
She should however get them trained - snarling & stealing food is not acceptable (jebus I sound like Supernanny!)

ElenorRigby · 12/03/2009 14:12

She put the dogs before you as a child, if so that's really crap behaviour and I can understand why you are so upset.
As for now that you are mum with kids and she has a filthy house with badly behaved potentially dangerous dogs...sorry I would not be bringing my kids into that environment

Kimi · 12/03/2009 14:24

your mum is barking (no pun intended)

kittywise · 12/03/2009 14:28

Thankyou! yes she is barking

How can she compare my children to her dogs. I am developing a seriously seriously bad attitude to dogs.

OP posts:
ElenorRigby · 12/03/2009 14:34

It isn't the dogs fault, your mother sounds a bit unhinged.
You I think need to emotionally distance yourself from her. Also keep contact with her to as little you can get away with. Sadly parents have an ability to hurt more than anyone else I think. Wishing she was different will not help you sadly.
My mums pretty toxic but even she cares a lot more about my DD than she does about her dog.
Tbh your mums sounds awful.
How dare she go hahaha you were bashed against some stones by the dog when you were a baby. Stupid stupid woman...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2009 14:35

She is using the dogs as a child substitute. Going by her behaviour when you were younger she put the dogs before you back then as well.

BTW is her partner your Dad?. I note he has not been mentioned at all otherwise.

I would not be visiting them at their house under these circumstances.

100yearsofsolitude · 12/03/2009 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSmallClanger · 12/03/2009 16:09

Your mum is obviously using the dogs as child substitutes. It's not uncommon.

100years' point about the deerhound is a good one. They are big dogs with specific care requirements, and often don't do well in houses with little dogs.
On the bright side, they are generally regarded as having a good temperament towards people.

kittywise · 12/03/2009 17:31

smallclanger and 100years, the deerhound is very nice. This is the second one she has had. But I know she will not change her mind.

Atilla, her partner is not my dad. He or she I can't remember which once said to me that the dogs are like children for them and they would be worried about their relationship if they had no dogs.

ElenorRigby, it would be difficult not to have much to do with her as the kids adore her , she lives close by and helps out quite frequently. I do try and distance myself from her emotionally though as she can be pretty toxic, not as bad as many stories I have read on here though.

I really needed to write just to find out whether my feelings were stupid. I was going to post in AIBU but figured I might be attacked by dog lovers!!!!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2009 20:41

I don't think your feelings are stupid in any way whatsoever. You've come second in her life to her dogs.

I ask about your Dad only because I wonder if he has any opinion on her behaviour.

kittywise · 12/03/2009 20:45

Ha! My dad left when I was three! He can never be goaded into speaking ill of her, which I admire, but I know he left because he couldn't stand her!

He knew also that he was leaving me to her madness!

OP posts:
Pinkglow · 12/03/2009 20:49

oh goodness my DHs parents are JUST the same with their dogs - his dad got sent home early from our wedding because of the dogs.

They havent been abroad for about 10 years before they think they could not cope with being put in kennels. Thankfully me and DH just laugh about it but they are well behaved dogs so no issue with DS.

Just wanted to let you know there are other ppl out there like that (insane)

giddykipper · 12/03/2009 20:50

Don't talk to me about mothers and dogs.

I have lost count of the number of things of DS's that my mothers dog has destroyed. It's never the dog's fault of course, said toy/bib/coat shouldn't have been left lying around. How is the dog to know it's not a toy? Because you should bloody discipline it mother so that it knows it's not a toy.

As far as I'm concerned, this dog does not know right from wrong, so how is it to know that it shouldn't bite a child? I'm always on edge when it's around DS.

Aaaargh. I feel your pain.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2009 20:52

"He knew also that he was leaving me to her madness!"

That is very sad.

Although attitudes towards separation and divorce were very different years ago compared to present day you may well have some residual anger regarding him as well as he did not protect you from her.

If you have not already visited the "stately homes" thread on these pages I suggest you pay it a visit and perhaps even post on there.

whomovedmychocolate · 12/03/2009 20:58

Oh my I could have written that about my SiL - despite attempting to kill my MiL by slamming her octogenarian frame into a tree it was her fault for 'not getting out of the way'

Slippery slope my dear - dogs (and any other pets) should be kept well away from children under 3 feet tall and acknowledged as not human and not as important as humans . Refuse, to talk to the dogs on the phone (just hang up) and refuse to go see her if she won't shut the dogs in another room if they won't behave appropriately. You are right to be nervous. Having at loosely trained wolf in the house is stupid.

mamadoc · 12/03/2009 23:06

My MIL is definitely using her dogs as child substitutes.
She only got the 1st dog by accident when my feckless BIL left home and didn't take his dog with him. She used to complain about it being a bind... and then she got another one! They are apparently able to tell the day of the week (she can leave them home alone all day whilst working but not on a weekend to visit us) quite clever for a dog!

They sleep on her bed and their needs definitely come before anyone elses. She can't be persuaded to leave them at home when she visits here even though its only for the day. She has always belittled my fears that they might harm DD even as a tiny baby 'oh they love children' .

They jump up, beg for food, pull on the lead, run off and are generally horribly behaved. They are sheepdogs which surely need a lot of exercise and are not a suitable pet for someone who works FT.

In her own home what she does is her own business but the dogs do make me reluctant to leave DD with her and I hate that I am expected to allow them in my house where they climb on furniture, shed fur and chew my stuff.

kittywise · 13/03/2009 07:01

attila, I might well come and look at those threads, I find it hard to admit that my mother's behaviour is abusive though.

mamadoc, last year she had a little tea party in the garden, I was sitting a a table with some of the kids and one of the dogs jumped up and tried to grab biscuits off a plate. I pushed it away and shouted at it, it didn't get the biscuits but HAD obviously mouthed one (sick emoticon). Her partner came over to see what was going on. I told him.
His attitude was 'Never mind" I said that it was a problem. One of the biscuits was now covered in dog saliva and I did not want to eat them as I did not know which it was, and did not want my children to eat them either.

Soooooo he examined the biscuits closely, decided on one he thought had been mouthed and ate!!! he told it was alright now .

I can't workout why those dogs like me so much either, they really do

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