Should i be her friend

[ktjj84]

i have a friend who i've known a few years but recently she has been sleeping around with married men, i have tried talking to her about it and she has no feeling of doing something wrong. She has just told me she is sleeping with a man who has a girlfriend and a new born baby, the man claims that he wants to leave his partner because there relationship has gone stale. I know he is just using her. I find this horrid, being 4 pregnant myself, hating the thought of my partner doing this to me.

Its made me really annoyed, i really dont want to have any contact with my friend, because i really think she lacks values in life. However she is a good friend to me.

What would you do?

difficult one - you need to tell her how you feel.
keeping quiet would be similar to condoning her behaviour

If she has only started doing this recently, there may be an underlying problem, has something happened to shatter her self asteem recently?

Love the person, hate the sin.
Can I just ask what you mean by sleeping around?

i dont think i could stay friends with someone whose morals were so far from mine.

In fact i have been a lot harder on friends recently.

You dont need friends like that - even if they have supported you - does not mean you have to support her all the time.

Try and talk to her about how you feel and if she is willing to continue regardless then the friendship does not mean that much to her does it?

I don't think I could be friends with someone who was having an affair.
Since it happened to me I'm very outspoken on the subject so all of my friends know how I feel about it and wouldn't dare tell me as they know they would get a mouthful!!

Ditch her before she shags your bloke or you get used as an alibi.

Bit harsh, clattered? Surely it is up to people's 'blokes' to remain faithful, and not up to your friends to guard other people's marriage vows?

This guy sounds like he has spun this woman a load of crap, and she believes it. That's hardly evidence of her wanting to shag her friend's husband is it? She fancies that one guy, not anybody's husband at random.

Seems a bit outdated amd sexist imo to blame single women for sleeping with married men. Assuming she is single?

Mmmmmmm,its a really hard one, i believe she is doing it because she is 30 next year and feels that she needs to find a man.

I've tried to explain that she is getting used and why would she want to be with someone who has cheated on his wife and children. There are plenty more honest fish in the sea. However this is falling on deaf ears.

Happy woman i agree with you.

It's very unlikely that you can talk your friend out of a relationship, ime. If she is really into him then logic and good sense will fly out of the window.

As long as you are not personally implicated in their relationship then why not just step back and see what happens - it'll come to grief soon enough.

Maybe you could say to her, 'I really don't like hearing about this'. I have a few 'no go' subjects with friends who I love dearly. We'll never agree on some things and we just don't discuss those sore topics.

She works two jobs to support herself and pay her bills. I'll try and encourage her to do some activities where she might find a real man, but because i'm pregnant i'm limited to what i can do with her....

I'm going to tell her how i feel about what she is doing.

Get her a copy of the book "He's just not that into you" (I believe there is a lame film based on it, but don't let that put you off).

It's a bit trashy and american, but has an excellent chapter on the various excuses and self-delusions that women indulge in when they get involved with married men and some very forthright words on why it's a bad idea.

I quote (from the "But his wife is such a bitch" section):

"I know things seem a lot easier when your affair is with a man whose wife is an evil, shrieking, insulting hag. No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife. Let's agree that you are better than that".

I have been in this situation. I would never stop seeing one of my friends if they were having an affair. I would offer them honest opinions, yes, and support if required, but I wouldn't just stop being friends with them.

I suppose it depends on how good a friend this person is.

i had the same situation

friend was seeing a married man and he was a friend of a friends hubby and was a dad to a 1yr

i told my friend, that i didnt like what she was doing, it was wrong,put me in a very difficult position as i knew the wife, though not well

but

that i was her friend,but i didnt want anything to do with being her alibi/or to have her talk about him

6mths later he left his wife (friend of a friend) and moved in with my friend, and now they have a child together

ex wife is also with a new man

thats not really much help to you, but if she is a friend, try and be there for her

its not about droping your friends but if a friend is doing something i find upsetting i just know i could not support her - and in my book that would not be a friend.

Until it happens i guess you just dont know - but there are things i will not tolerate in anyone - be they friends or family, lying is one of them either to me or to anyone else and that is what an affair is - a lot of lies.

If at a later date the friend came to me and said she had made a terrible mistake i think i am forgiving enough to re-build the friendship.

Maybe you could show her some of the MN threads about what happens when an affair is discovered? (and they always do get discovered).

Some women like being involved with married guys because from their point of view there's no pressure to settle down / get married / have kids, and it's all exciting and dangerous without the mundane domestic stuff.

But if she she really thinks she's going to get a lasting relationship out of this behaviour she's kidding herself. Long term, who wants to be with a man who thinks it's OK to cheat on his wife, especially if they've got a young kid?

I had a friend like this, she was very insecure. I told her my views and then we didnt discuss it. She has since sorted herself out and we are still good friends.

It that fact that she knows what shes doing, has no guilt and is kinda cocky about it. As if shes a woman to be desired, like its a confidence kick to have a married man.

Its not like its a long term affair (not that i would approve of that) just a quick fling.

I have been cheated on in a long term relationship, he was caught out by me guessing his password and reading his emails, plus my father left my mother for another woman, maybe thats why i'm so annoyed with my friend.

If she's a good friend in every other way and someone you want to have as a friend forever........then you can only say you don't agree but stand by her anyway. A bit like having children.........we don't stop loving them because they ate the contents of the bin again even when we spelled it out to them!

Otherwise, it could be its a friendship that needs to be left to fizzle out.