So cruel

[unfitmother]

DH is a saint 95% of the time but every now and then he just changes. He has a violent temper, as do I but he can be unbelievably cruel.
We were having a row about a rash on DD's leg (it looks like exzema) and he went into a well-rehearsed rant about what a terrible mother I am as I haven't taken her to the drs, despite him working from home at the moment.
He then said all my family were the same, that we didn't care and said that no one did anything when my father had a heart attack.
Dad died a few years ago, his aniversary was last week.
He didn't have a heart attack but slow heat failure, he phoned me the day he died and said he had a cold. I was very brisk, thinking he had man-flu, told him to take paracetamol and go to bed. He did, and died.
I will never get over that and DH knows that, how can he throw it at me in an arguement? I think his cruelty knows no bounds.
I lost my temper and threw the phone at him, then puched him on the arm. I know now I'm in the wrong but could never respond to his level of verbal cruelty, I don't have the imagination.
He's gone out, how do I get him to stop using my much loved and deeply missed father as a weapon against me?

That's shocking. I don't know how to respond to your question as what he has done sounds so awfully hurtful.

hopefully someone will be here soon to give you some advice
I'm sorry for yuor loss xx

He sounds like a total wanker. Get rid of him while you still have some self respect left.

I'm sorry but you have to really dislike someone to want to hurt them with that sort of comment.

He (and possibly you too if you are acknowledging a violent temper) need some anger management.

That sort of cruelty is the sign of someone who isn't quite right in the head. Either that or he really is a nasty bastard, despite what he is like '95% of the time'.

You shouldn't have to put up with that sort of shit.

I hope you're okay
do yuo have selfesteem issues anyway? you should change your nickname
have you had any counselling re your father's death?
there are so many issues here

You say 'you're perfectly allowed to talk to me like that just as I am perfectly entitled to leave which I will do the next time you use the death of my father as a weapon against me'.

And find a way to argue without verbally abusing or hitting each other.

I don't have any anger management issues, and I couldn't imagine not punching someone who said something like that to me. Seriously, get rid. You don't need to bring your children up living with someone that spiteful.
He's lucky it was only a phone.

I got the impression that the OP was saying that she has a violent temper and that phone hurling and arm punching was not a one off. Apologies if wrong

Abbie, you may not anger management issues but for some reason you think it's ok to lay hands on someone violently.

I think what he said is terrible. I also think hitting someone is terrible.

They have both crossed that line where it's ok to be dreadful to each other.

I am in no way justifying his AWFUL comments but have you been physically violent towards him in other arguements? do you think that he is matching your phsyical agression with verbal abuse because he cannot cross the line and physically attack you?

I think you really need to think seriously about your relationship. This time he said something unforgivable and you felt driven to throw things and punch him. Where will the next arguement lead you both???

That is truely awful.

That is the sort of manipulative confidence destroying behaviour that is very common in destructive relationships.

I second compo, you need to change your nickname.

Is there other things he has done?

has he ever acted that way towards your dc?

I am not often prone to violence but somtimes just want him to stop saying such awful things. I have hit him back when he has hit me in the past. We are about as bad as each other.

Please don't think I'm blaming you I'm not. I'm just saying that this is a very unhealthy relationship. If he says things that are so awful you are driven to violence and if he has hit you in the past then you cannot stay together like this.

I'm not saying that hitting is Ok, and I agree with other posters that it is probably a symptom of wider problems.
However, I do think that with the things that the OP's DH said, many people would have lost their temper. I would hate for the OP to 'blame herself' in anyway for his behaviour.
This man is a manipulative bully. I really wouldn't waste time trying to analyse this relationship, just get out of it.
I don't believe that he's a saint 95% of the time. OP, do you honestly think that? Really?

OP.

2 of my partners have used my DD's sexual abuse against me in an argument.
The first one did it and i left.
The second did it and i stayed but i threw a right wobbly and he has never mentioned it again.
I can't say which was the right thing to do but there were other issues both times (ExP was also extremely violent)
No matter what it is unbelievably cruel to use such a thing against you in an argument. IMO a lot of things are said and done during arguments which are later deeply regretted.

Answer. Agree with your DH that yes, the rash looks awful, and he should take DD immediately to A & E. IMVHO a few bloody boring hours in A & E will soon show him where overreaction gets you. And as a plus you will find out what the rash is, while you get a good nights sleep.
Also i find that standing there and saying 'I'm a bad mother, ok, you forgot to say i'm also...' and add a few things which will make him see he is being a nob. 'I'm also crap at cooking/housework/ect something simple and silly. Then finish off by saying how intelligent he must be to only be able to win in an argument by saying things about your dad. Then say you are crap at such things and you are glad you have such a good teacher..'at least with you as a teacher i won't be crap at emotional abuse' or something along those lines.

However. Sorry to say this and i guess you already know, but no matter how angry anyone makes you, hitting is never right, for any age or sex. Never.

Can you walk away from him when he starts talking like that? I don't think it's worth engaging in this sort of thing.