Stepkids-Finding it hard....help

[mumof2monsters]

I have two DSD. DSD1 who is 13 and has gone from being a sweet quiet girl to a girl who has an answer for everything and knows everything about everything.
She lives with her mother and sister and sister by her mothers other ex-partner (they have now split)
I have been with her father since she was 2.5 and she and her sister stay with us most weekends we are not working as we work shifts.
She can be moody and argumentative and constantly craves attention. Both DSDs are also really lazy.
I have two children DS aged 7 and DD aged 5. We try to treat them all the same but they come here, seem to take over the house and do not do much to help.
She gets annoyed if we dont include her in everything. She always wants to know what we are talking about when sometimes it is grown up stuff. She borrows my things and does not put them back.
She got angry last weekend as it was our first weekend off together for the last 5 weeks and DH wanted to do some gardening. We spent Saturday at the shops with them all and bought them books and watched a dvd. On sunday DH was in the garden and I took them home. She got really miffed and told her mother that her father did not spend time with her.
Unless she gets her own way she gets moody and grumpy. I know it is a teenage thing and hormones but I am really struggling with it. I dont enjoy having her here anymore as she never seems greatful if we buy her anything or do anything with her (trips out) and I feel glad when they have gone and I get my house and privacy back.
I know this seems so harsh and I do love them (have been their stepmother for 10 years) but dont like them much at the moment. Find it hard to tell hubby how I feel. I am sure they also resent my two kids even tho we treat them the same.
We pay money for them each month and spend money on them when they are here but there is no "thanks".

Hi,I would just like to say keep your chin up! Im 26 and have had a stepmum since the age of 9. We have had our differences over the years but i have never disrespected her in anyway, and at that time i was going through terrible times at my other home, so i dont think theres any excuse. Maybe they'll just grow out of it as my rebellious sister did, or mayb there is something thats upsettig her. Have you tried having a girly day with her and having a chat?

poor you, it sounds very difficult at the moment. Just wanted to answer really so you'd know people were listening.

Might it make it easier to bear in mind that you DO love her very much, as you say, and will probably have similar issues with your own dcs when they get a few years older? I am sure there will be periods when, although you love them to bits, you'll not like them very much!

It's hard to know what's a dsc problem and what's a teenager problem sometimes isn't it...you could pop this in 'teenagers' and 'step-parenting' and you'd prob get similar feedback! (oh, maybe you did - I didn't look!)

Also, I think everyone would understand that it's hard to discuss stuff like this with your dh. I'm sure he would find it hard if the tables were turned - and you'd probably find it hard to take! no matter how much we try to be grown-up and fair and balanced, we all have a tendancy to become wolves/she-wolves when we feel like we need to defend our young!
and it might be better kept to yourself, because this phase will pass and she'll become lovely again...someday...soon...hopefully
but, it may be that by keeping it in you are coming to resent her and it'd be better discussed. Maybe you would feel better if he'd just acknowledge that her behaviour is not great at the moment? if you felt like you could share the pressure...

No help I'm sure, but

Sounds exactly like I used to treat my mother. not saying it's right ... but she obviously considers you 'safe'.

You only have to be the adult, be calm, and kind and forgiving and loving. You don't have to like her as long as you pretend to

going from sweet and quiet to having an answer for everything sounds like normal teenage stuff. No fun for the adults, but just something you have to ride out.

Don't think you should focus on them having to be grateful for money. Dh SHOULD be supporting his daughters, nothing noble about it at all. As for spending money on treats, yes, they should say 'thank you' nicely the same as your younger kids but again, 13yos are not always brilliant at this.

good point from Coldtits that it's a sign dsd trusts you enough to treat you as an ordinary member of the family rather than being on her best behaviour. Although of course it would be nice if one's child COULD be on their best behaviour once in a while....

I have a 13 year old dsd too and I agree, teenagers are hard work and this all sounds very normal. But do you think she might have a point about the amount of time her Dad spends with her? If he spent the day gardening and then you ran her home when did he get to be with her?

Her siblings live with their Dad so get to be with him all the time. Her time is limited and maybe she feels a bit jealous of the fact that they live with him and she doesn't? And she might view it that he didn't even want to drive her home. I know that dh and dsd have some of their best conversations on the journey to and from her mum's.

Do they do much one to one stuff together?