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Relationships

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Original poster

Is DP's contact with ex-GF disloyal?

17 replies

sparkyoldbint · 11/03/2009 11:50

I have a very good relationship with my DP of almost a year and we're talking about marriage. There's a fly in the ointment though - his ex-GF (they were only together about 18 months and there are no kids involved) keeps contacting him, by text mostly, and it's obvious she's still very much in love with him. She hasn't met anyone else since he finished it about 6 months before we met. She knows all about me and that he's very happy and he always tells me when she's been in touch and even shows me her texts (they're not really personal in any way but seem to be quite regular).

Recently she invited him to her birthday party and he asked if he could bring me, to which she replied absolutely not! I'm quite uncomfortable about it and feel that he should tell her that if that's the way she feels about me, then it's not possible for him to have any further contact. I'm pleased he shares everything with me and I trust him totally but this makes me feel he's being disloyal. I know that at the root of it is a dislike of upsetting people (he had an angry and abusive father) but I feel I need to let him know that this is upsetting me now.

I wouldn't mind him staying in touch with her if she'd totally moved on and was happy to include me but it's not like that. He also has a good friend that he made through her and would love to see very much but he's afraid to in case it upsets her. Also, we only see eachother once a fortnight because of distance - do I talk to him about this over the phone or wait until I see him?

OP posts:

ForeverOptimistic · 11/03/2009 11:56

His loyalty should be to you. If she can't accept you he should dump her. I would mention it on the phone and tell him you want to discuss when you next meet.

OhBling · 11/03/2009 11:58

Well, I don't think he's being disloyal as such, but he's getting close to it. he did the right thing to ask if he could bring you but now that she's said no, he should tell her that in that case not only will he not be coming but that he can't really be friends with her. You wouldn't accept any of his other friends inviting you to a party and neither would he. If they are going to be "friends" then she needs to act and behave the same way any other friend would behave.

OhBling · 11/03/2009 11:58

Sorry, "not inviting you to a party."

prettyfly1 · 11/03/2009 12:15

I dont ignore my friends partners and neither should she. If she still feels so strongly about him she cannot bear to be around his new partner then she isnt his friend and he needs to let her go so she can get over it properly.

BitOfFun · 11/03/2009 12:20

Some good points made here- staying in touch is only an issue because she still carries a torch. He isn't thinking of going to the party, is he? Because in these circumstances that would be disloyal.

Original poster

sparkyoldbint · 11/03/2009 12:23

No, he's definitely not going and I agree it's only an issue because of the way she still feels about him. How would DP feel if my ex asked me to a party and told me categorically that he wasn't invited?

OP posts:

ginnny · 11/03/2009 12:31

If he's not going he's not being disloyal.
I guess the only thing is that all the time he is in contact with her he's kind of encouraging her, as he must know how she feels about him.
He sounds very honest and trustworthy so I wouldn't worry too much.

Simplysally · 11/03/2009 12:32

Are you sure that he's really moved on himself as they do seem to be texting a lot if they've been over for some time - as long as they were together? Personally if she has issoos with him bringing a new partner to a party, she has no business inviting him to anything. Try to talk about it face to face with your dp though as over the phone can be tricky for this sort of convo.

fourkids · 11/03/2009 12:52

i think he isn't exactly being disloyal because he's being open about it all and not going to the party etc...but he isn't being very loyal either imho.

it sounds like she's hanging around to swoop in if/when your relationship finishes tbh...and he's sort of letting her, which is not fair on you, especially given the distance between you which inevitably makes things harder, and is not very fair on her either. unless there is any possibility that he's deliberately letting her hang round as a back up plan? which hopefully isn't the case...

i have seen people on here saying things like it's kinder to let her keep the fantasy and not to hurt her feelings...but that is not my opinion - because this could go on for literally years (i know a couple who had his ex holding a torch and interfering for nigh on a decade...and in the end it caused a lot of insecurities and deep seated issues around betrayal and loyalty etc in their relationship even though he was totally innocent of anything except maybe niaivity).

So it may sound harsh but I'd be saying to him: "she is not behaving as a friend so she is NOT a friend." and suggesting that he needs to choose where his loyalties lie and tell her he can't have any contact with her any more. And if she continues to contact him, he can easily block her on his phone. i would be expecting him to make it very clear to her that she is in the past and has no place in his present and future. if he actually values her friendship, she can always be invited back in if and when she gets over her love/lust/crush and moves on - of course she may well not want to then!

whether you discuss on the phone or not is a difficult one isn't it? some things are hard to do on the phone, but then again in a long distance relationship like this you don't want to do the potentially horrid stuff in your valuable time together. ime if you bottle it up till you see him you might just be heading towards a rotten weekend, whereas even if you have a row over the phone, hopefully you'll sort it out and be able to wrap things up in a nice way when you see him. but really only you know how the dynamics work between you for this type of thing. sorry, not much help there!

SnowlightMcKenzie · 11/03/2009 12:57

3 of my exs cam to my wedding. One of them and his wife is my son's godfather.

BUT if I invite any of them to anything (inc wedding) it is WITH their partners.

Original poster

sparkyoldbint · 11/03/2009 13:30

Thanks for your replies and your long post fourkids and it was a lot of help! I agree with what you say about when to dicuss it - I don't want to let it stew and then potentially spoil our precious time together but then again dynamics over the phone can be difficult. I do so hate being in an LDR sometimes....

OP posts:

goodnightmoon · 11/03/2009 13:31

i have also kept some exes as dear friends, and even got one to marry my best friend. But as others say, it is her attitude that is the problem. I don't see how they can be friends if she can't accept you. At this point, he should cut her off.

Maybe have the conversation in person though.

fourkids · 11/03/2009 14:19

you are very welcome

and i have thought some more ...

it sounds like maybe your dp isn't actually getting anything from the relationship - it isn't really a friendship at all is it? they don't go out together, call one another up for a chat, have a laugh together, think: "oh I must tell so and so that!", ask each other for advice, cry on each others' shoulders...do they

If the above is the case, he should have nothing to lose by cutting contact with her. he may have let things go on this way because he doesn't see it as a big deal, after all he loves YOU, or he may feel bad about potentially upsetting her, which shows he is quite nice really nice but misguided!

and if he's nice he'll hopefully understand that your feelings should be more important to him than his ex's, and that he would be doing all three of you a favour by putting her straight!

MadameCastafiore · 11/03/2009 14:22

Bollocks to her if she won't let you come to the party, you are a couple now and she should realise that and he should tell her under no circumstances will he go to the party or see her without you by his side.

deckchair · 11/03/2009 14:28

It's not disloyal as he tells you about it BUT why doesn't he just tell her she needs to move on and find someone else.

She is not going to meet anyone else whilst she thinks he is still interested.
The communication seems to be misconstrued (sp?) by her and he needs to be very blunt with her and then cut the contact to a minimum until she has got the message!

Original poster

sparkyoldbint · 11/03/2009 14:36

Fourkids, yes he's very decent and kind but hates upsetting people and I think that's why he hasn't been more direct with her. That's not an excuse though! And good point about it not being a friendship as they never see eachother or actually speak. I might say to him that I actually feel sorry for her and suggest that he'd be doing her a favour (as well as me) by telling her she needs to move on.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/03/2009 20:40

I think you can only be friends with an ex when you have both moved on and found other people and accept each others new partners. This is pretty rare. She's not at that stage so he needs to keep clear and let her move on. He's not helping anyone by trying to be her "friend"

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