Relationships with SILs

[JacksSmirkingRevenge]

Why are relationships with SILs so tricky?

I have 2, and both are a bit unhinged. The first one is behaving well at the moment, but has been horrid in the past and has caused loads of family upset (threats to withold access to her and my brother's children to my parents etc). These issues were solved and things got better, but had been nasty for a long while, and it involved me personally too.

Not the other SIL who was always nice has started to act oddly around me, has a baby a similar age to mine but has never wanted us to meet up and do things together, would rather spend time with her own family and friends. Now I've been accused of sending her a spiteful e-mail, which is not the truth and my brother refuses to speak to me. E-mail was about meeting up, and both my husband and Mum have read it and can't understand what the fuss is.

I didn't sleep well last night, I feel sick and just want to resolve it. I am not a bad person, but I am being made to feel that way.

How can I resolve it without causing more trouble?

Am a regular but have namechanged for this - can't be too careful.

some people are just not nice

it is a PITA as it does make things easier if people who are related do get on, but it doesn't always happen

why don't you call the SIL who has accused you of being spiteful rather than emailing?

texts and emails can sometimes be mis-interpreted

also, call your brother - just be really calm and ask to meet up for a coffee

the longer it is left, the worse it will be

Sounds just like my SIL. She was lovely and we were really good friends till she had her dd about a year after I had ds1, then she changed. She got very jealous and competitive about the dc and used to get really angry if anyone gave my ds more attention than her dd to the point of storming out of family gatherings in a temper saying people were 'ignoring' her dd. She did the same thing as yours when I emailed her too and used to phone me up screaming obscenities and then tell my db that I'd phoned her and made her cry.
In my situation things have got so bad that I don't see her or my db or their dc anymore. Its is but I can't be around someone so poisonous and every move I have made to rectify things have been twisted and thrown back in my face.
If you get on well with your db then talk to him, but his loyalties will be divided, or maybe get your Mum to talk to them both.
I'm not much help I'm afraid, but I do sympathise.

oh my SILs are wierd too

One is little princess (or so she thinks) the other is a nutter

I just think that despite all my best efforts, we wont have a relationship and after much sole searching, I am comfortable with that

3 of my 5 sils are bloody awful and these 3 are all DH's sisters. Then again, they never really liked their brother, so I suppose there was no hope for me at all...

Funnily enough, one of his sisters (who was the black sheep of the family), lives abroad, had baby out of marriage, then married the dad who happened to be a "foreigner", is the most loveliest person, and they don't like her either!

My own brothers wife is lovely.

Lillymolly - that's exactly how I feel. Its that I've lost my brother too, but he just can't see what she's like, even though everyone else in the family can, he thinks we have all turned against him.

Have been in a similar situation with both pil/sil regarding emails.

What I do now, if I ever have to email them is to bcc to dh as well, so he can see exactly what I've said in my email.

Pil told several people all about the very "evil" email I once sent them, unfortunately for them, I had also sent the same to dh who confronted them about their lies.

What did you say in the email that upset her so much?

If you were taking issue with her for not wanting to meet up (you mentioned you felt she should want to see you more often in your OP) then I think you should have left well alone.

Why should she want to spend more time with you because she is married to your brother?

I think any email (or conversation for that matter) can be misinterpreted if you try hard enough.
To my SIL "I'm sorry" "Let's put this behind us and be friends again" is emotional blackmail and judgemental.
I always bcc'd all emails to my Mum, but then I was accused of stirring.
That's why I gave up!

I would try to clear the air with your brother directly if possible, perhaps read the email to him and state that you intended no offence and want to be on good terms with them.

Then I would try to avoid your SIL as much as possible, certainly don't try to organise get togethers, etc. She sounds like a draining person to have in your life at the moment. Perhaps she is having problems you aren't aaware of? Would it be possible just to attend bigger family get togethers, etc so you can still see your brother?

i think you should phone either her or your brother.

sils are an odd bunch

Unavailable - My original e-mail was about meeting up with a couple of joint friends, who she has been seeing more of than I have recntly. Both other friends have asked me to join them all at toddler groups etc, but SIL herself has never asked me along. It was a perfectly friendly email, saying that I'd like to join them and could she let me know the venue.

I agree that just because she's my SIL she shouldn't necessarily want to see me, but she's been married to my brother for many years and we saw each other a lot socially as friends (cinema, drinks, supper just us together etc) before her baby, and then mine came along. This is why I find it hard to accept that she has 'dropped' me now.

However, I contacted DB today and he said he didn't care about it really, and I argued that he did or he wouldn't have raised it with my Mother, who told me about it under duress. We did have a row, which wasn't nice, and he made me cry by bringing lots of things I thought were history up and admitting he doesn't give a shit about any family except his own little family, not the wider 'brother and sister' extended one.

We left it amicably but it's hurt me lots and I don't know how we can get on with it without each feeling resentful of the other now.

so she has a toddler group, and you invited yourself along?

Jack - that is exactly my brother's attitude and it is so hurtful.
I know its not easy but you need to take a step back from it and let them get on with it. Can you still see these friends without her involvement?
I really don't understand it though. I love my ex's sister and my current DP's sister is lovely and I wouldn't dream of treating them like that.

I think you've been a bit pushy with your SIL. I don't see why her preferring to see her own friends rather than someone she's related to only through marriage is so terrible. I prefer to see my friends to my husband's relatives. His sister is pleasant enough but we don't have much in common.
Why is your SIL acting oddly by preferring to be with her friends rather than you? It does sound as though you need to develop some friendships of your own and be a bit more independant.
If you really wanted to go to this toddler group to see some old friends why didn't you contact your friends to find out the venue rather than your SIL?
Relationships with SILs aren't tricky if you accept she is just your SIL, not your friend. It sounds like the usual mumsnet problem of extended families living too near each other and having unrealistic expectations of the extended family relationships.

I think that maybe a lot of people find SILs 'weird', 'nutters' etc. because they are operating within your own family dynamic (which may in itself seem strange to the SIL). It's so easy to right people off or scapegoat them, when there are matters that you don't want to face yourself. Just because you are in the heart of the family, doesn't mean that you can rubbish your SILs -that is how you are coming across in your post.

a) because you said they were both unhinged, and though issues had been resolved with SIL A, that you still have a bit of an axe to grind on the matter. If matters were resolved why bring them up again?

b) because you said your brother refused to speak to you when in fact he spoke to you today when you rang him.

It's okay to feel upset by something and I agreed that relationships with SILs can be vexed in a way, but I really think you have to rein it in, accept the fact of not being included by SIL, put a smile back on your face and carry on regardless.

Mitford - true you don't have to be 'friends' with your SIL if that's not what she wants and you don't even have to like each other, but SIL's one should accept that your dh's have a family apart from their dw's and dc and should be allowed to have a relationship with that family.
2Rebecca - I don't think she was being pushy at all. Just friendly. And if her SIL was not interested in meeting up at the toddler group why not just decline? Why accuse her of being spiteful and stir up trouble?
This is all a female thing, the same problems arise with MIL's. Some women think that when they marry someone they take over from every other woman in the man's life, also some mothers and sisters resent the wife for 'taking the man' away from their family. I think its very sad and feel sorry for the men in the middle, although I've seen many men (my db included) who make the situation worse by burying their heads in the sand and not actually standing up for what is right.
That's my tuppenceworth anyway

I love my SIL, she's brilliant, sorted, down to earth, we chat about kids and and parenting all the time, she loves my kids and I love hers, can't wait for her to have her second baby.
Sister on the other hand, complete pain in the neck.

I ove my SIL too lol ... she's the listener out of her family, very down to earth, very caring, and i am the only one who she can offload on and understand what she is actually going through so in our patient/counsellor swapshop we get on very well

Indie & Stercus .
You are both lucky.

I also have 2 lovely SIL's (ex's sis and current dp's sis) who I get on really well with but unfortunately the one that's married to my db is awful, and I've lost him because of her.

Jack give it one more go with the sil, give her a call and ask her what she found nasty in the e-mail because you really didn't mean it like that,

maybe shes feeling abit insecure, as both your dcs are the same age, she might not be that confident and be afraid of you judging her as a parent, if you have other dcs and this is her first

My SIL is pg and has asked me a few things, but she can be prickly so I'm really cautious around her,

Is your mother abit of a stirer? I know its different when its daughters children v sons children (but then again my mum is abit toxic)

Your brother is right though, his priority is his family (wife and kids) and the rest of you come after them. He has made it clear where his priorities are, and now you know that in times of trouble he will stand with his wife. That is not something you can bitch about; your dh should be exactly the same, and if he wasn't you'd be mightily peed off.

As for this toddler group thing, I don't understand why you didn't ask the friend who invited you for the details.

I agree Jux, he should put his own family first and nobody would disagree, but to say that he

"...doesn't give a shit about any family except his own little family, not the wider 'brother and sister' extended one".

is just plain nasty.

Just because he's married now doesn't mean he can't have a relationship with his sister too.

Oh yes i know i'm lucky..because i have also had the twisted evil SIL.. she tried to make my life hell but in the end we had a sun and the north wind moment and i won lol

She still hates me because of it

I didn't ask SIL because really I wanted the approval from her, trying not to step on HER toes. I don't think I was being pushy at all, I've left her to it for a year or so now, only ever seeing her when she's asked me to, and the few times I have tried to initiate something, she's blown me out straight away. And incidentally, the friends she's been seeing, and who I mentioned in my earlier posts, are ones that she was introduced to via me (not that that makes too much difference).

And yes, I did speak to DB but only after ringing lots of times and he admitted he's been avoiding me.

And finally, I am not 'rubbiushing' my SILs, merely stating that neither of them are especially happy to be married into my family.

There are other dynamics at work anyway, which I was only enlightened with last night, and which I'd rather not go into on here. I am happy, have a fair few of my own friends and am happy to move on anyway.

Thanks for all your views though.