Dating after mastectomy and with "chronic" breast cancer...on behalf of my Mum

[SobranieCocktail]

The background: my DMum (60) has had recurring breast cancer for about 10 years. She had a mastectomy a few years back and is now on Herceptin indefinitely. She was very very lucky to be given Herceptin "earlyish", i.e. not in the final stages like so many people. She's been on it for about 3+ years and TOUCH WOOD is doing very well...no recurrences. However, like I said she will prob be on it for the rest of her life and no one really knows what her long term prognosis is (she's never really asked and she's an unusual case).

Anyhow, My DSis and I have encouraged her to go out dating again...she really wanted to get back out there having been single for the last 15 yrs, and we just gave her a gentle shove in the direction of Guardian SoulMates etc.

She's met a couple of very nice blokes, and is keen on one in particular. He seems similarly keen. They've only been on a few dates, but it's now possibly getting to the point where she might want to tell him about her cancer. The poor bloke in question is a widower (wife died of cancer) and I'm suddenly stricken with fear that he's going to be freaked out and run a mile when he finds out about my Mum's cancer. I would be so gutted for her to have a knock back on account of her cancer.

Does anyone have any experience or advice? The actual lack of boob is also a lesser worry...well, I guess I'm maybe not thinking that much about it as it implies that my Mum might get jiggy

Seriously though - any thoughts?

bump

anyone?

I do know people who have got back out there after breast cancer, minus a boob, and have found love and marriage. But personally I think your mum would be wise to be up front from day one, to avoid falling/being fallen for by those who could possibly be worried. Im sure there are plenty of people out there who wouldnt be, but equally I can imagine some would come with their own baggage, as this new chap possibly does. He needs to be told so that both he and your mum know the score. Good luck to her.

Oh dear...bit late for the "day one" approach I feel bad now about being so gung ho about it all with my Mum.

I think a few weeks and a good few dates in is fine. There would be no point telling before you know whether you like each other. My friend has MS (the slow sort) and she said she only tells people when they've had a chance to know each other a bit and there is some closeness between them because it's very personal. Maybe that's a bit different because it would have a big impact for a long-term partner? I think day 1 would be a bit too full-on, particularly when it's internet dating not meeting through friends.

peachyfox - OK good, that was my original thinking. I suppose it's just bad luck that the chap in question has had such sad experience with cancer.

I would say about 3rd date would be about right. Once she knows she likes him.

I don't know how old your mum is but assuming this man is late fifties, early sixties, surely he's looking for more of a meaningful friendship and fulfilling intimacy kind of thing? Perhaps he'll be more worried what she thinks of his age-worn old body - unless it's George Clooney's dad or something which it probably isn't.

She should tell him when she's feels comfortable, whenever that is. No rush.

PF - yes, he's 65 and she's 60. (God that seems so old! Where does the time go?!)

no one knows how long they have got- whether they are 30, 50, or 85- and whether they will get a serious illness one day or not, or be run over by a bus.
I would have thought that her illness was a normal topic of conversation if she got close to any man.
I think you are trying to protect the man from life's ups and downs.

Put it theother way- if her DH had died from say aheart attck, would she then reject any other man who might be at risk from the same? Prob not- she'd take her chances if she really liked him.
peachyfox- I had to smile- talk about the generation gap- me and my DH are mid 5os almost- anyone our ageis not into coca and slippers - we still have a bit of life left in us- sex doesn't stop at 35 you know!

VEM I bloody hope not, I'm 41 myself ! I wasn't suggesting they weren't having sex (sorry OP, block your ears) just that it wasn't going to be body-image fixated sex, and that they would have a more mature attitude to it...

OP you sound like you give your mum a lot of support, so I'm sure you've already done the new haircut and clothes thing to give her a boost. Trite thing to say I know but it's all I can think of.

That and telling her she's a whoooooole lotta woman...

I just wanted to add a little bit in. I met my girlfriend online and she has had a double masectomy a few yrs back she was very young early 20's dont know exact age but it didnt bother me that she doesnt have boobs.

She didnt want to reveal herself but i was more put off by not seeing what she had that what they actually look like.

She told me quite late on into our conversations we had been talking for hours and for days. I would have liked her to tell me earlier but she told me when it was right for her.

Advice for your mum is to be open and honest about it from early on. If they run they were not worth it.

jellyjelly, out of curiosity, are you male or female?

sorry i took so long, am female. Why do you ask?

Jelly, just wondering whether a woman's reaction to surgery could be different to a man's. I often think men are generally more turned on/off visually than women - we are much more emotional and spiritual beings . Wasn't just being nosy, honest!!

Sobranie, good luck to your mum - she sounds fabulous

I think your mother needs to be truthful fairly soon. Obviously I feel very sorry for her, but it just isn't on not to tell potential partners about serious (life-threatening) illness.